Maybe You Shouldn’t ALWAYS Aspire To Be/Do Anything

Yesterday I was talking with dad and I said:

“Oh yeah my friends who are working their companies have asked them to come back to office”

And everytime i say a sentence like that, a wave of gratitude wash over me, and slightly guilt…there’s some how guilt that I feel because I am not suffering with them, haven’t been since November, that’s 6 months now WOW! Omg I just now noticed its been 6 months of absolute bliss!

God how grateful I am that I chose myself again,

And yes listen I do have credit debt piling up on me and yes I don’t know yet how to deal with that mess, but like whenever i think about it, my brain goes in a sarcastic tone and says “oh yeah big deaaal! Who cares” well technically i should care if i don’t want to be chased by the interpol 😂

I’m joking it’s not that big of a debt, i mean its surely big for someone without an income, but like…not a big deal, whats the point of panicking? I have this weird absolute knowing inside of me that when I decide to lock in, the situation will change over night, as in it wont be me paying that debt in installments, no no…over night. Because I know that i can build things that I can sell for big chunks of money.

But to be fair since I came back in January from Nepal till now, life was a roller coaster! Like literally the first 3 months of this year I haven’t seen anything like them! So it was illogical to do anything work related, even though I actually did, launched Project Outcast, did some fun projects, I learned ALOT! I dropped out of Harvard business school hahaha man such jokes! Well at least now i can use the label:

“Harvard Dropout” 😂😂😂

Ya alla my entire existence is jokes, but honestly attending those classes felt like torture! Like I couldn’t fathom the idea that I am spending money that I don’t have to sit and learn such basic useless information that i can just google it! Just so i can get a certificate? To validate my worth? Yeah..no I’ll pass on this one.

So anyways today I woke up super early, half of it is due to me feeling pressure from the amount of things that i need to finish TODAY! and the other half is because yesterday I was exhausted and I slept by 7:30 pm :)

So i was looking out of the window, initially there was no cars, barely any passing as it was 3:30ish and then as time passed it was more and more, and I can see also the labor workers in the construction site next to me and I felt again that gratefulness feeling, you know its not because i’m sitting not doing any work, because actually my trip to Bali few years ago made me realise how I’d actually lose my mind if I don’t do anything as in “work”

So I actually love being busy from morning to night, but I love being busy with things I love, with things that matter…or even if it doesn’t matter it brings me joy! My projects on PO gives me joy! When i test something and it works it literally makes me happy to my core!

When I now do a run on azme.io To keep myself updated with the news…every time I open it, I can’t believe I built it! And what I can’t believe even more is that now it runs autonomously and costs me zero money other than the hosting which is nothing barely a dollar or so a month, madness!

So i think what I’m grateful for the most is not work related at all, I’m grateful for the level of acceptance that I reached with myself, I don’t know what happened end of last year and why in specific at that time but MAJOR shifts happened in my life and because of them, I have reached acceptance!

After suffering for soo long in the five stages of grief, I reached acceptance.

And acceptance didn’t come for only one part of me or one thing in my life…but for everything!

So the part that is related to work, I accepted that it is impossible for me to work for others, and that its time to stand in the face of the entirety of humanity that tells me that its normal to sit in office for half of my day…because that is what being a productive member of society is.

I accepted that no body has walked my path before and therefore no body can guide or advise me! And that for fuck sake that intuition in me that never failed me ever in my life, maybe its time to stop doubting it and actually for once just surrender, and i did! And peace filled my entire existence when i did.

I don’t want success in standard society terms if it means being locked up, i don’t want to ask for permission when i’m 33 years old, if i want to go explore the world, to breathe, to live! To attend to family matters, I don’t want to ask for permission! The idea of permission pisses me off even if the company is “flexible” i just dont want any human that god has ever created to dictate how to live my life and to have control over my time.

Literally time is the only assest that once spent it cannot be regained again, and we don’t even have control of it! A stranger at work tell us how it’s “okay” and “acceptable” to use that time.

Yeah fuck that man!

People choose that and in return so they can have money to buy bags, shoes, watches…

Can you just reflect on this above? I would exchange my life for a piece of leather?

What the actual fuck is wrong with you humans!

Anyways doesn’t concern me, I stopped arguing if my sister tells me she bought that bag for 20k i say yeah congrats looks so nice 🤭

And inside of me….you don’t want to know whats inside of me hahahh, let’s move on.

Whats the point of arguing! Khalas maybe thats what bring people happiness! So be it!

For me, it brings me happiness that i can have my morning coffee for 3 hours, and then if i want to maybe i can sleep for the rest of the day!

I own my time, thats the ultimate luxury!

And thats why people don’t understand my decision of leaving dubai again, and as I said for everyone around me I’m down playing it! I say yeah yeah only few months and I’ll be back before end of year, which I will as I need to check in every 6 months.

But the reality is, I made it up in my mind that the next time I come back to live in Dubai, I won’t be a fish anymore, I’ll be a shark!

I will not rent, I will own.

I’ll not drive a shitty car, I’ll get a sports car and another family car because where would I put Adam and Celine in my two seater? 😂

I will move them all to live in my family home, including mom and dad as it will be big enough, and I will have a spare studio or something for my own peace, as I don’t like 24/7 exposure to other humans.

In a nutshell, I will be a shark in the market, and I will attain those luxuries not by faking being rich while everything is a loan. No i will actually be wealthy.

But in order for me to do that, I need to go live in a place which is cheaper, I want to focus on my work, I don’t want to focus on bills and shit and parking and rental…etc.

So now I actually have money enough to sustain me for a year, but the challenging bit is me learning how to manage my finances and to budget :) too embarrassed to say, but I’m 33 years old and I never ever in my life had a monthly budget! Can you imagine!

I spend whenever I feel like it, excessively! Like just yesterday when i was clearing up my drawers I posted on my gram the picture of four apple watch chargers…FOUR! And I don’t even wear my watch.

And I definitely bought them because i was lazy to find the one i lost, so I just buy a new one :)

Now this is one thing! Imagine how it is for everything else, ya alla I don’t know how to go shop for sneakers online for example and buy one only! Or even two! Its always like 3–4

And now whats the point? I have to choose maybe 3 of the entire collection to travel with me, and I don’t even end up wearing the 3, I’d wear one favorite one until it exhausts itself…🤷🏽‍♀️

Anyways the destinations I’ll be going to next are all super chill, super down to earth, zero flashy things, zero prestige…you just be whatever you are kind of vibe, so I don’t need to impress anyone with looks, I can just impress with my jokes, and it never fails 🤷🏽‍♀️ so all of this shit that i take into consideration in Dubai….I don’t need it there.

And this is why I wrote in the title, maybe you shouldn’t always aspire to Be/Do anything, because if I was sooo obsessed with my career, I wouldnt have had the 6 months of bliss! I wouldn’t have made that much memories with my family if i didnt have all of my mornings free to hang out with them, to go sneak on my mom chilling outside on my sister’s street balcony thingie, at 7:30 am while she’s still sipping her coffee and I just shout goodmorninggggggg and she gets surprised and Honey (the doggo) goes bananassss that I came to see them when they weren’t expecting it, and then id go in and Adam would still be looking like he dragged himself from bed and we need to argue on why he needs to wash his face and brush his teeth, while Celine wakes up later to my voice and she runs down already hyper, excited that I came unexpected!

How amazing that memory above? Yeah I was lucky to do it soo many times this past month, we’ve bonded so much both with me and mom and me and the kids, if i had a job from 9–6 i wouldnt have the time or even any energy to come play with them, take them on adventures or to do any weird science experiment.

And ofcourse it makes me sad that I’m leaving them especially that they tell me dont leave we want you here and to hear the kiddos say that, it breaks my heart…BUT! Saying this as humble as possible, but I’m the only one who can change the future of this family, so I need to go to lock in and do it.

Because when I lock in, not only I’ll manage to do the above (the dubai plan) but also i’d take the entire family to travel every time the kids have a school break, with mom and dad and i’ll take them to see the world, as each one of them is fascinated with the stories I tell them, and I’d love for them to come see it.

Like cici still remembers when I said I’m going to Nepal she said (ohhh becareful from the monkey that steals fruits from the room)

Hahaha its because when I was in the Osho Ashram its in a forest, there was alot ot monkeys and they literally have papers warning in every room to leave your windows closed as monkeys come wreck havoc and you’d have to pay hefty fine, but some guy at around 6:30ish in the morning, I was walking to the morning meditation, and I hear noise and people watching something, so I go see whats the commotion is about! And its a monkey who ran into a room through an opened window and stole the fruits😂 so i took my phone out, recorded it and send it to the kids on our Imessages group…and imagine thats 5 months ago! And celine didnt forget!

So i don’t want to tell them how beautiful life is, I want them to see it, to experience it! So if i stay as an employee even if i make 15k usd a month, i wont be able to take the family to travel as much as i want, so…i gotta go get my millions and then billion🤷🏽‍♀️

And also i love travelling so its not like omg i’m sacrificing my life, no no! I am actually beyond excited for my trip! I love adventures and i love when I wake up every day not knowing what the day holds (in a positive way)…what a blessing!

So yeah not having career aspirations was the key to my freedom, because now even when I see all of my friends with big titles, heads and directors and this and that, and better cars, better life (materialistically)…it doesnt faze me!

I am happy for them, its not something that would make me happy, and I was soo stubborn for 10 years of my life, fighting my true nature, because I knew I can reach the top of the ranks easily if I wasn’t so opinionated and outspoken, I bet I would Have been a C-suit level if I had one skill on top of my current knowledge “Ass kissing”, but I don’t and I never will, and I won’t shut up when something wrong is going, so the reality is, someone like me, can never work in any company no matter what they claim they are “Flexible, innovative…Etc” so far they have all been basic bitches, below mediocre people on a power trip, who just like to preach in meetings about “Innovation” and yet zero actions on ground…

yeah I think 10 years is enough of that :) khalas we’ve done enough standups, we’ve done enough “getting thrilled and well deserved” posts on Linkedin, I’ve done enough Brass Monkey outings and Client Iftars where I’d rather F myself than to attend, we’ve done enough performance reviews and proving why I deserve a salary raise (and every time I actually proved why and I got it) yeah I’m done! Like I can’t for the life of me accept to get paid such shitty salaries and yes even 10k usd is shitty and that was the highest i made, and it is shitty for what I know I’m capable of, and it’s not worth my freedom. That’s the end of it for me, so the rest of the world and everyone I personally know can go be a c-suit and I’d cheer and clap for them (and I mean it) but for me….I want to watch them from the side, I don’t want to be in the rat race with them.

And I actually think I’ve left it all at the optimum state, I left this world behind me knowing that for 10 years they fought against me because how good I was at what I do threatened them, i left it knowing that I sat in meetings with people across organizations (as I worked with loads of multinational huge clients) and not even one of them that I saw with, including the CEOs and all the c-suite was even close to how smart i was, they surely were talented “maybe” not all, but whenever we had a hands on execution related thing or we were faced with an issue that was crippling them and all of their power and money….I was the one that came up with solutions not them, so thats why I erased all of my work history on Linkedin, because the reality of it was pathetic! I was far too good than any of those organizations or the people I worked with and those who are not insecure and doesnt kill them to say that truth, they’d admit it, as it was a fact.

So why would I want to seek the reference of a manager of mine that was beyond useless but held the title? Why would I want to be interviewed and speak about all the amazing things done at a previous job when in reality 90% of those things I’ve done, i did just to shut the top management up and not because it was anything ground breaking (as no body dares to apply my ground breaking ideas yet they preach to us about being market leaders…market leaders my ass).

You see I’ve worked so hard for those 10 years not because I had to, because you can literally work for 50 years in the top organizations and be as useful as the desk you sit on, and do the bare minimum…i worked hard because I love “to create” i love solving issues, I actually even love the human aspects of dealing with others, working with other, teaching them, learning from them, i loved what i did until everything around me was fighting against my passion so i lost it….so i do believe i left my career while I was at the top, yes even though my latest job was an absolute joke in the worst imaginable work place a human can expect in the modern world, but that was a choice! I wanted to be in a place where i dont do anything for 9 hours a day.

And before that place, I could’ve shut up, I could’ve said thank youuuu to that dumb fuck HR who dragged me across dubai to do my degree certification because just an incompetent piece of shit, I could’ve just said yes please here do my visa as a blue collar labor worker title because you don’t know how the process :)

I could’ve let my amazing “global head” go launch that disastrous website structure even if it will get close to no organic visits, who cares they didnt even have analytics working when they have a full department of analytics people.

Oh and on that topic, I could’ve even shut up about the fact that they are incapable of tracking any investment they make, the ROI or even assess if my job is good or not and not pitch to get an analytics guy to fix it (the day that I got fired), and I could’ve nodded in agreement and fanned over that Egotistic CEO just like every body did, and let him hear enjoy the sound of his own voice and wow how magnificent you are sir! Wow wow wow! And not go mess with his ego with my jokes 🤷🏽‍♀️

And i could’ve stayed in the agency longer than 7 years and never quit to go to bali and by now they wouldn’t be on the brink of closing down, and even my closest friends wont admit it but I know because I was watching, not even one thing new they did or changed in their processes for the 3 years after I left….imagine :)

Like people love to undermine my value and make it sound like yeah yeah just an employee, but I always hit with facts, but anyways i didnt want to say anything just to stroke my ego, but i know damn well that when innovation and progress leaves the chat, its a matter of time before such a small organization collapse, because you cant stay as you are in the age of AI.

And i could’ve kept quiet about how the co-founder who is now resting in piss, was grooming me, i mean soooo many other girls actually in that same organization kept quiet, some chose to sleep with him :) but only I chose to go and expose that piece of shit for what he is, even when it made everyone flip against me, and I never really liked being portrayed as weak or victimized, I am far too powerful to be that, but I was also far too naive and young to understand, and even though technically nothing happened to me or between us, but it was a proper grooming blueprint, and the moment I woke up to that reality and realized it due to the repetitive pattern i saw with other new junior girls, only god could’ve shut me up then.

So…in a nutshell, me sitting now with zero in bank account and a debt, is not losing is ultimate success in my books, because all of that is meaningless infront of selling my soul, compromising my value or my morals….i went out of this hell as a winner, and yes it did take 10 years of my life, but I needed to pass through all of these experiences, to build resilience, as I know whats gonna come is wayyy harder than was passed and I accepted.

I love nothing more than a good challenge, so if any of the above sounds “arrogant, fake or exaggerated” please by all means reach out to me and challenge me in anything your want that requires brain usage or problem solving, and we’ll see how fake the above statement is🤝

As for what I realised I love doing i now know I love walking barefoot in villages (or anywhere really) and hanging out with villagers and napping under the sun, or maybe even wear that African Ankara fabric 🤣 and look just as annoying as those westerns in their elephant pants in East asia, WHO CARES!!! thats what i love and I don’t care what society thinks, I already know “an outcast”…always has been and always will be.

Also on the “aspiring to be” cruel to say this but i was scrolling on my instagram and i saw a woman doing a product video of a product maybe she created but anyways the way she looked made me feel soo grateful for how I look, and I know it sounds mean but hear me out.

Majority spend time when scrolling on socials comparing to those who look better, toned bodies, sexy, airbrushed faces, salon hair, the entire shabang and then they feel shit about how they look like, right?

So with me the reverse happened, I saw someone that made me think…thank god I look the way I do! So why is that a bad thing?

And anyways that lady is confident enough that she is promoting her product with her face showing when many i know who are drop dead gorgeous and they are sooo insecure about holding a camera.

So bottom line is:

Find your path

Read it again…”YOUR” path

Its never been walked before, and nobody ever looked exactly like you, basically no body is you, so why you aspire to live life as somebody else and expect to succeed?

Let go of all of aspirations and focus within, what feels right deep inside of you? No matter how silly or frowned upon by others?

How do you want to look? What do “you” like to wear? Not because its trendy or fashionable or everybody is wearing it….what “you” think?

And once you have those set, try living your life for a short while saying “i will stay true to myself” this is what I want.

And trust me, once you actually properly do it! As in you live life on your own terms truly and not just slogans, the peace is sooo addictive, that everything else becomes noise! And you learn how to silence the noise because it wont faze you anymore.

Trust me! Try it! I haven’t been doing this for years, I lived 33 years being anything but myself, isnt that enough? Khalas that may be a third of my life gone.

The next third I’ll own it 😉

Peace out!