Ya Allah When Will This Curse Break

What a lazy day! I noticed in my life the more pressured I am, the less I do.

So looking around me seeing an absolute chaos at home, boxes to be packed, things to be thrown, a hundred and billion things to do…and a day that I said I’ll finish majority of it all.

What did I do? Nothing! i actually slept from noon till evening…but the thing is I’m exhausted, and I think i realised how comfy this chaise lounge is, which was never meant to be a bed for someone to sleep on, but seeing how I have zero other options…i had to, and its sooo comfy and also the fact that this is now also the only place left to sit on, is adding to the laziness as i sleep and chill and live on that one thing for the last 2 days now 🤣

Anyways I’m brain rotting and….I’m actually upset even though I try to numb my feelings by distracting myself but like I am truly very sad for what happened in Lebanon, even though we got beef and I always say:

Id never spend a dime in Lebanon

For all the racism I personally faced when I had to use their airport.

But…my humanity aches, i’d never wish for any harm to happen to any human really no matter if i like them or dont.

But I am truly sad, how cheap our lives as arabs are, we die by the dozen and we are just numbers on the news ticker….while one western gets kidnapped and the entire world riots.

I do feel the pain of the Lebanese people, the gazan’s, the Iranians, because I personally lived it…I know what it’s like to sleep on the sound of bombs dropping by, war planes breaking the sound barrier, people you know dying, kids dying, livelyhood ruined, constant fear and panic, constant humiliation just because we were born in that geographical area.

Yeah so I am actually feeling down and maybe thats why I’ve slept the entire day (escapism) ;)

But I actually woke up even sadder, and I miss you, and I wish you’d reach out because I’ve exhausted the times that I can…

I can’t believe we live in a world where there’s soo much cruelty and pain and life is sooo damn hard on both of us, and yet….you don’t notice that it’s all not worth it.

And to he fair its my frustrations with myself that makes me sad, because everytime i think i moved on and that you’re actually out of mind…booom I get crushed again with those intense feelings of missing you, how pathetic I am….

Any normal human would have moved on by now…its been years and yet I can’t. And I don’t even know what I’m holding on to…when in reality everything is illogical, like if i try to use my brain then nothing in anything that I saw from you shows me that you’d be anything good for me….and yet my stupid heart.

Man…i look around me and i see how nothing is worth it, its not worth the fight, not worth the pain, not worth the grudges, not worth the ego, not worth the pride….and yet! Seems like I’m the only one who thinks this way.

What more would I need to wait for? We were literally on the brink of possible extinction and even that didn’t make you reach out…so how silly of me to hang on to my delusions.

And anyways knowing you….you’ve probably moved on agesss ago, yet another meaningless relationship, yet another human to dismiss, yet another empty night with someone that probably even they don’t want to stay till tomorrow.

I actually pray to god to help me move on whenever you cross my mind, because I want to…even though my heart doesnt want it, but I want to! What would I wait for? To see your pictures married or engaged to someone on the socials? It’s bound to happen anyways.

Ughhhhh I hate this heart that I have 😡😡

So annoying! Like there’s nothing that happened today that is related to anything about you! Like why the fuck do you come and be that intrusive in my mind…i am fed up.

And actually fuck you for not caring, you stupid fuck but I’m an even worse stupid fuck for still caring about another stupid fuck who I know is a stupid fuck.

Its a stupidfuckception 🤣

I can’t wait to leave dubai, and this house and everything that even remotely close related to you.

Lets see if then the curse of “you” will break.

Fucking hell! 😡

And no peace out OOOOOOOFFFFFF