But….What is “Home”?

I think it’s dawning on me the fact that I’m leaving what I called “home” for the last 10 years soon….and yes yes I know everybody is expecting I’d pull a “Bali” 2.0 like I’ve done 3 years ago and do a U turn hahaha Yikes…let’s hope not 😿

But this time it’s different….I know it in my heart that it’s different! because back then I was running away, I was escaping from everything…especially from “Me” but this time I’m not running away at all, matter of fact! for someone as speedy as me in everything in life, for the first time ever I feel like I’m not in a rush.

I feel at peace! somehow even though I’m in the most unstable place that I’ve ever been, and life is switched on: hard mode and yet…I’m at peace.

This time it feels like everything is getting wrapped up at the right time, friendships who I held so dear, turned out not worth being carried on to the next chapter, a relationship or a situation-ship (god knows) that I thought it’s everything I wanted….now I feel like yeah if there’s that much resistance then it’s clearly not for me, no matter how much my brain lists down the reason why it should work, truth is….I don’t think it should, I think I’d be happier if it doesn’t…happier with someone else…so I’m letting go.

The apartment that I’ve been living for the last maybe 4–5 years, got sold to another lady and she’ll be taking it over by May, so already this home that I was so attached to as I’ve put together every single piece in it, will soon no longer be mine, but this time i’m not doing the same stupidness that I’ve done before moving to Bali, where I gave away EVERYTHING! for 200 dirhams :) for the guy that picks up the junk as I just wanted to get out.

This time I’m starting to sell my things from now, because they are worth to me way more than throwing them like they meant nothing to me, so I already am taking this process slowly….detaching slowly.

Luckily I don’t have a car, so whenever I want to go, I give back this rental, unlike when I moved to Bali and sold my car for cheap and gave the money to a stranger who I thought needed it, and she did actually, but she’s not worth it….that money should’ve been better given to those who actually need it and not a woman in crisis IN BALI! because she can’t afford to pay the rent of her villa….sigh!

honestly sometimes when I write my stories I just want to smack myself in the face for how dumb I am….well not dumb it just that I always treated money as if it doesn’t matter, so whenever I saw anybody in distress, I’d be shut up and take my money….and they did 😢

The friendships that I have left that matter to me, are ones that already survived yeaaaaars and yeaaaars and I left and I came back, and I went into depression for loong months at a time, disappearing on them completely, lashing out on them, doing all mad things and yet they stayed…so I guess no matter where the next chapters in life lead me I’ll still be blessed to have them in my life.

As for those who matter the most…..the kiddos! yeah I’m sure it will be painful, for both of us! I kind of hate thinking about it! you know when I was in Bali my sister gave me a picture of them to put it in my room and I couldn’t even take it out of my luggage because just seeing them makes me break down in tears, they are my weak spot…and I feel guilty to leave them again, so I can go chase my dreams and to “live”.

But….I’ll try to be a better aunty this time, this time I’ll take them with me on trips, If all goes to plan then they can come spend some weeks of their summer break, winter breaks with me….no matter where I am. Maybe they can have another home in somewhere different….and If I do build a home or establish a base then it’ll surely be something veryyyy different! it’ll be unlike anything they know in Dubai…it’ll be REAL.

So that would be the most epic holiday home for them.

And I’ll get a residency in Dubz and keep it running (as currently mine will expire in April):

A) that would force me to come twice a year so I won’t let life come in the way of why i don’t come back to see the kids.

B) I need it, it’s my backup and safety net.

Now…didn’t I say I want to have a home in Dubai? yes, nothing changed..but it doesn’t feel like thats what the priority is for me now, if I wanted a home here it was just so I can give mom and dad the safety of a home, their own home outside of syria where they can have access to good healthcare and living standard, but truth is I think my parents would lose their minds if they stay here more than 2 months at a time.

They are already getting whiny now and they haven’t even finish 15 days yet this trip, so for me I think that’s not a priority at the moment, I feel like my soul needs something else..I just feel like I need to breathe! that’s all.

And I’m unable to do so now, with inflation, and traffic and bills and debts piling up above my head, if I try to keep up with those things I’d end up drowning as I can’t build my own business and keep up with “Adult” stuff here at this rate.

I don’t even feel like staying now to be honest, I need a break! a loong one hopefully, but I honestly don’t know…my life always goes in different directions whenever I plan anything, but what gives me peace is that every single time I thought I’ve lost the path, turns out I was just being redirected to what’s really destined to be mine.

Does that mean…..I’m going now to Kanyam, Nepal? to the village home that I’ve been raving about for the last few months? to the doggos, Amriiiiiiiit and Sormila aunty??

haha….mmmmm….No, not yet :)

I’d like to go on few adventures before.

So where I’m going?

Two places I know (I think I know), the first is back home to Syria with mom and dad to see my grandma as she’s been bed ridden for months now and I would really love to see her, also to renew my passport.

And then…..I’m going on an adventure haha lets see how it will play out this time 👀👀

But no matter what the outcome is…if anything is proven to me now that is no matter where I’m thrown, I’d always land on my feet, and no matter how many redirections I have, it always ends up leading straight ahead to the path I should be walking.

And maybe “Home” is not a physical thing…maybe it’s not four walls, not an address….maybe it’s a feeling…maybe it’s a person?

Maybe…it’s “you”?