What If We Disconnect?

An absurd statement coming from someone who has a scary screen time! honestly I’d be ashamed to share it….it exceeds the normal by like 3x.

But in my defense I’ve always been a digital creature! ever since I was a kid and found “The Internet” ever since mom got us that big ass desktop PC and hit the first few strokes on the keyboard and mama went and signed up for “How to Operate a PC” course and she went and learned and she showed us.

Wow…I completely forgot that! I completely forgot that fact until I wrote it now, everything that I’ve done, everything that i’ve reached to day in this digital realm…is because of my mom! she learned…and she taught me.

And then the student beats the master, mom was left behind! and I ran too far for anyone around me to be able to catchup! I became the hacker, the nerd! the source of anything digital for my family and friends, anyone that needs anything…Ask Leen. I’ve literally created the first email accounts for all of my friends! all of them! which means they trusted me to have their passwords, but i never cared! I create and I forget! I already was capable of hacking, but I never hacked to pry on anybody’s privacy, I just hack..test that the password works, log out! that’s it!

I loved the challenge not the outcome.

My grandma (dad’s mom) she lives the door next to us, and until this day she waits for me to visit Aleppo, which may be once per year, once every 2–3 years…god knows! but she waits patiently for me to arrive for me to fix the list of things tech related…things that I don’t really know how to fix! like why the satelite is no longer working Leeno, I can’t catch my favorite egyptian show!!! I don’t know what you clicked Nana! you’ve erased the entire channels list!!! she laughs! I go learn how to fix such mess, and I fix it.

I taught my grandma how to open youtube, how to search for the religious things she likes watching, how to keep track of all the Aleppo news channels, how to watch series on Shahid (The Netflix of the Arabs) and now grandma doesn’t know how to live life without them haha, just like me! I don’t know who I’d be without Youtube!

The thing is, nobody bothers! Like my aunty gets grandma the Ipad as a gift but she doesn’t teach her! she says Leeno will explain! and when Leeno makes an appearance once in a blue moon….I explain! I teach! I always loved to teach ever since I was young….I always loved to learn something…and go teach it! not school stuff, not those boring topics that kills my brain cells..no! actual cool stuff! stuff that I learned, on the internet.

But that was a double-edged sword, it set me up for success, but it also messed me up! I became aware of pornography at a veryyy veryyy young age! I had no idea what on earth am I watching! all i wanted was to sign up for an email list that sends me all the updates of “Geri Halliwell” I didn’t even know she’s a spice girl! I fell in love with her seperately! I saw her in “it’s raining men” and I was mind blown….now that I look at it as an adult I don’t get what blew my mind! I think its the abs! she looked fit as fuck and maybe even as a kid I admired that.

So while getting lost in the web, I stumbled across pornography unintentionally as I wouldn’t even know that it exists to even know how to search for it, but even 20 years ago…it was right there! to mess us up! so suddenly my email got flooded with hundreds and hundreds of sexual emails, I panicked!!! I ran to my mom for help!! mama what is this! why are these people naked! why I can’t stop those emails! how did I get here!!!!

Mom didn’t know what to explain….what can she say! I shouldn’t be aware at that age of such dirty dirtyyyy things!!! women on women, women and men doing all theeee weirdest shit! like its beyond telling a kid how they are concieved.

She just took control of the PC and she sat there for like an hour and unsubscribed each and every single email…until my inbox was cleared, but my mind got corrupted.

What was that?

I was probably at 8 or 9 years old….madness! close to adam age now! and it would be absolute horror if adam sees this now! and thats why I lost my shit when I was sitting next to him while he was on his ipad and I saw that insanlyyy sexual ad for a game that the assholes made it look like a game! the mad scientist in a lab have a woman tied up and you as the player need to rub your finger against her body to untie her and rescue her….I wasn’t even looking at the screen but heard the moaning! and I gasped!!!!

He didn’t realise! I said..adam let me see your ipad for a minute I need to look at something, I clicked on that ad and tried whatever I can to find if I can ban the creator of it, anything! nothing! absolutely nothing! you can’t even report an ad on the App store :)

I felt helpless!!! i went and did my research, and found out that there’ Amazon tablets for kids, and luckly it was both of their birthdays coming up so I went and bought 1 for each, those tablets have their own kids app store, you pay monthly subscription of $8 and you don’t get any ads, so I was at least temperorly relieved. things are under control.

But as I spent more time next to them…I realised, I can never be in control! once celine was watching youtube on the big TV in the living room and she left it and went to play something else but she was still in the room and it was me, my mom and my sister talking….and you know when a youtube video ends and another gets suggested….I look at the screen and I see the thumbnail! a full on lower part of a female body, she have her legs spread wide open! and what is the title?
Coco melon, nastia, ryans world, vlad and nikki

The sick sick bastards has included all the trendy things that the kids watch on the youtube in the title so it can get picked up and watched by them! I shouted to my sister quickkk take celine inside!! my mom didn’t know what the hell happened! I told her look!!!!!! I pointed at the screen and we both gasped! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!

I reported it and did everything that I can, but it cannot be controlled so my sister and her husband enforced a rule of “No Youtube” the kids shouted in dispair, upset…nooooooooo don’t take youtube. They did :)

But even this I’m telling you, its over 3 years ago…now! even if we control it at home, they’d go hang out with their friends and their ipads and they’d see it all.

So actually the only way to protect them, is to teach them that this is a safe space, your mama and your baba will always protect you, they will not shout at you, so whatever you see or whatever happens with you…just come tell them, you are safe here! just speak out!

And they did, because they are innocent, so adam spoke about his friend at school Mohammed who showed adam a boy and a girl kissing on an ipad, adam said: Ewwwww and he came and told us about it (good boy).

But adam is growin up, he’s starting to realise that it’s not “ew” even though he says it! but I can start seeing that he doesn’t believe it, because he’s liking the attention of other girls, celine had a boyfriend apparently a year ago who she decided it’s her boy friend, only god knows why! bless her! she didn’t even know that this kid is special but according to adam he just says:
Colors, Colors, Colors!!!!!!!

I thought adam was being a bully, but then one day i went to see the kids at a school play, and I saw Yash! celine’s boyfriend on stage and that kid is different…..he’s a special needs kid, so he doesn’t even know how to express to even tell celine to stop bugging him like other boys would at that age as they find girls disgusting and annoying!!!! so when she claimed him as a boyfriend, that poor kid is not aware!!!

and thats what scares me…4 years old telling us about her boyfriend! when us arabs, my generation they didn’t even dare tell the parents until that boy was ready to get engaged to you!!! my parents were different, so I was comfortable to go tell dad before mom even about the guy I loved! but I was first year in university and that man until this day is literally the only husband material that passed in my life, that actually my parents were thrilled when they saw my choice! the boy I was in love with is exactly what they’d wish for me on all aspects!

Before that I had a shitty first love when I was I think maybe 8th or 9th grade which I was on and off with for like 4 years, and my mom knew about him in my 4th year lol….yeah! madness! it wasn’t a thing you know! we are a muslim conservative society…so yes everyone falls in love but its not something to be public about it! the society would banish you out, literally!

The times now have changed, I’m aware….but still its not our culture for my niece when she’s 4 to say that she have a “Boyfriend” and I know she doesn’t know what a boyfriend is, but it’s a boy that she likes more than the rest and she wants to play with him the most! that’s a boyfriend.

You see ever since I was a kid and all the girls around me dreamt about their dream wedding, being a bride, having kids…I hated all 3 lol.

I geniunly dislike wedding, especially arab wedding YUCK! the digust! being a bride is such a stressful thing and knowing how i stress..I’d be a Godzilla not even Bridzilla….and kids! those little annoying creatures that they come to this world and we erase who we are….for them.

But if I’m honest thats the only way! because something has got to give! you can’t be the best wife, the top in your career, to have your own business after hours, to have the perfect clean home and to be a chef in the kitchen and to raise the most healthy (mentally and physically) kids!

It’s not humanly possible! something has got to give.

So what do you want to give up? thats your choice, but if you think you’re not giving up anything…then hehe we will see :) or actually you already saw but you don’t want to admit it…because if you admit it, then you’ll voice out to the public the guilt that you feel inside about not being the best mom you can be for these kids! and out of the list of everything I mentioned above…being a parent is the only thing you should focus on! that’s it! you made a choice to bring those humans to the world! then you carry on doing your job of raising to be the functioning adults who will be a positive addition to this world and not just clutter occupying space.

I said it before and I’ll say it 100 times again, I don’t want kids! and everyone brush it off! and say: Astaghfirullah!!! don’t say it!! god will punish you and you may not have kids….so many people said it and regret it!!!! you are never ready for kids but when they come you’ll see how god gives you the patience and the perseverance to raise them.

I just keep quiet….because if you’ve read any of my stories where I speak about my niece and nephew, if you analyze my behaviours you’d realise I’m more than ready to be a mom, no matter of fact when I see what I do and what other “moms” around me do…then I’m even more capable! because I’m an aware parent! I’m aware! look at everything I said above on this article, I go try move mountains to protect them, while probably other moms they’d just gasp from that ad! say astaghfirullah and click the X button to close it!

They wouldn’t even bother go do research to find if any gaming tablets the kids can have that are controlled…but I do…because I care!

The reason why I don’t want kids because if I bring kids to this world then I will give them my all, my all! all of my time…there’s nothing more important to me than them, exactly how I am when the kids come to sleep over at mine, I throw everything and I just focus on them, actually you don’t have any other option because I don’t have a nanny do I? so I’d be like an octopus! cooking, cleaning after them, entertaining them, washing Cici’s bumbum, showering them before bed, changing their clothes, taking them out for fun stuff, sitting playing with them the games that I have at home that I got especially for when they come over, listen to their stories, entertain their 1000 and billion questions…an octopus.

And this is what my daily life would be if I had my own. But I will not have my own because I know exactly what I’m capable of…I know exactly the wealth and the impact that I can do to change millions of lives of other innocent kids that their parents brought them and threw them…or didn’t throw them but still not present for them, I can be the one to change lives of millions with the 24 hours that I have….so am I selfish to not want to bring 1 or 2 kids to this world and give them those 24 hours, or would it be better to give those 24 hours to change lives of millions?? and when I say millions…thats at minimum :)

People call me delusional….I say…watch me:)

It’s their limitation that makes me look delusional, they don’t believe its possible because they are not capable, so they look at me and reflect their own limitations on me! but thats your own baby, it’s not mine! those fears are yours not mine! it’s your fear to grow old alone…..and I’m living my youth alone and I’m enjoying it….so why would I want noise when I’m a grumpy old grandma who just wants peace? and if you walk with god then you are never alone anyways….but why would I even bother explain all of that to the ignorant.

I just say: “Yeah…Inshallah…one day :)”

So..back to the topic of connectivity, while my childhood was ruined due to the exposure to pornography online, but also I became a nerd! because of it! it opened my window to the world, it allowed me to dream…to see that there’s more to life than this house, this neighborhood, this school, this city. There’s an entire world…there’s soo much to learn! so many skills! what do I want to learn!!! I’m intersted in everything!

And thats why I can’t stick to one hobby because I get fascinated by anything! I honestly one of god’s greatest blesssings to me is even in my darkest days…I never lost my wonder! my curiosity! it does dim down…but I still get facinated as much as my 5 year old Niece….we both get wow’ed together! when someone do a magic trick infront of us, or when we see a youtube video together where they do cool stuff, experiment stuff, blow up stuff! literally we are wow’ed the same.

If it wasn’t for that super slow Dial up internet…how would I know? how would I know whats out there in the world, what are those cool american teenagers doing….way more advanced than us…having way cooler toys and stuff than us in syria…we barely had anything! so it was my window to the world.

And this is why now I get agitated when my sister and bro in law just go take the ipads from the kids and hid it or enforce some shit rule without any logical explanation. Okay no ipads no problem, but what are the kids doing instead? do they have after school activities? do they have something to get their brain working with? or is just no ipads…and stare at walls and dumb yourself down watching pepa pig on tv.

Like what is the alternative? to say “No Technology” means you need to be a full on hands on parent, actually PRESENT! and god how much it breaks my heart the being “Present” thing as no body notice that they are not! you can sit with your kids for 6 hours and not be present…you’re on your phone, you’re watching your series on tv, you are on the phone to your cousins….you are anything but present. you just occupy the same space but you are not present.

So you take the ipad which actually if its monitored and no social media and no shit and you watch what they are playing it actually improves their motor skills, planning skills, increases intellegence as you need to figure out how to do things, how to be a team player if its a team game. there’s alot of benefits for gaming…but parents are too ignorant to even bother learn! so they just shout NO IPAD!!!!!!

But is that even possible nowadays, optimally I’d forbid any technology and have the kids playing out barefoot in nature, exploring nature, developing their sense of wonder through real things! how was this created! what is this little ant! what happens if I dig this hole…how deep can I go?? why is there water flowing when I digged this much in the sand on the beach….many questions that will develop their brains in a very healthy way…but do the parents even know the answers to questions? do they even bother google it and teach the kids in simple terms? No.

So I don’t know it seems to me that being digitally savvy for the kids has more advantages that forbidding them from this technology, because its an evil that you can no longer forbid! it’s all around us! it’s literally glued to our hands! ipads are being given at schools for education! screens are every where at home, at restaurants, at play grounds….technology is every where, me raising my kids to be farmers while I live in the city is illogical!!

Therefor, disconnecting is not an option any more for the kids! so you have to connect them to technology, but it needs to be monitored you need to save them from the evil thats out there…I always say:

“Being ignorant is okay….knowing the truth and choosing to be ignorant about it…is not!!”

What about connectivity for adults, well I already started with with my phone addiction…but I do so many things way more than people crusify me for my screentime, they think I spend it on the gram, and to be honest I do lately waste alot of time on the gram…but thats like 25% of what I do.

The other 75% is the craziest shit! omg my search history! its unreal! if they actually look into my search history I’d be qualified to be put in a mental institution…really! because I’m so curious! So curious!! even about the weirdest shit!!!! I’m SO CURIOUS!

My friends used to laugh when they joke about porn categories, and I think I’ve seen it all! not in a wow porn! not at all I actually find porn disgusting, so fake! so unrealistic and sooo boooooring! the fakeness bores my soul.

But if there’s a woman who’s “riding a horse” then…I need to see that! I need to see how is that logistically possible! like…..how! like….how! hahahah and my friends shout and say ewww and say weirdddd and I agree!! its sooo bizarre and weird! but when I say its for educational purposes they laugh! but I mean it!!! its for my own knowledge! like how on earth its humanly possible for a woman to hang from the ceiling wearing an anime costume and doing weird shit, like how does gravity work in such situations….wallah I’m not joking thats literally what goes on in my brain!

People think its a fetish and I actually don’t even watch long enough…I skim through to see the logistics and thats it! a one and done! if I skimmed through one video with a horse, I don’t need to see that ever again in my life! khalas the logistics are established in my brain, now if you ask me how its done…I can explain it to you! I’d rather not to…but if need be and gun to my head and I’m in a situation where my life depends on it! then yeah I’ll tell you how it can be done bro.

So you can imagine my curiosity where it leads me….credit card dump on the dark web…check! access to Netflix accounts for free! I can see the family:

John — Jessica-The kids

An american family in the US pays for the subscription and I go in and see what the fuck is john watching….umm jessica your husband may be gay! you better do your due diligance, because there’s absolutely no need why john binge watched Queer eye over the weekend, love!

And thats why when those corporate bitches mess with me, and think who is she? she’s like a Chihuahua barks too much but too tiny to be able to do anything, we can crush her …. I smile :)

I never actually ever had to resort to my dodgy skills, its immoral so i wouldn’t do it unless if I’m played reallyyyyyy dirty! which so far it hasn’t reached that level, I always one the arguements with facts.

But if I want to…then I can hack any phone or laptop that connects to the same wifi network at work, and get a backup of all of the weird shit on your phone and when you play me dirty…then i’ll show you a glimps of what will be released to the world :)

But i just smile….let them be fooled by my baby face and tiny size. They are not worth my energy, they are not worth my genius.

You see my nerdiness is my weapon of choice…I can end those corporations if i want to digitally…and they wouldn’t even know what hit them! I can remotely bring down their servers and they won’t even be able to switch it back on, every time they do…I’ll do an attack.

Getting their social accounts banned…..easy peasy lemon squeezy.

And can you imagine what the above means in a world where those organizations main income is literally “Digital platforms” and I have all the keys.

If I didn’t have values and morals, then I’d have been a multi-millionaire now! from all the damage that I can do, and then go sell the solution :)

But I’m not like that…my humanity won’t allow me. So I just shout and cuss and throw facts to their faces and I leave.

And thats why….connecting is way more beneficial than disconnecting.

You need to disconnect every once in a while to keep your sanity and I do it. But you need to be connected, you need to keep up! it’s becoming more digital than ever, literally AI’s are taking over! a technology that us the commoners don’t even know what the fuck is going on!!!

My friends who say: Ughhhh i hate technology and i don’t want to learn.

they’ve been saying that for the last 20 years, ever since I created that first email account for them. By now they only learned in those 20 years how to send emails, how to open social media…and lately how to ask questions to chatgpt :) 20 years.

And I…..I can conquer the world if I want to :)

All of those people will go extinct, my friends will be shouting in despair in few years when the ai agents have replaced them at work and they can’t find any jobs, they will shout in dispair when their kids are wayyyy more tech savvy than them and they are no longer able to understand what the kids are down or how to even teach them, as the kids will be the one teaching the parents, so you’ll lose your control you cant monitor what you don’t understand.

Being Tech savvy is not a preference, is not a lifestyle choice, is not a hobby….it’s becoming the only way to survive.

But it fall on deaf ears…..I literally shout into the void that I reached a place where I don’t give a fuck! I’ll be the one building AI agents to replace you at your work places, do I like it! absolutely not! but what do you want me to do? shout in dispair with you? or go try to save myself?

Wouldn’t you do the same if you were in my position? you would do even worse.

So…if anybody reached her, it’s more important than ever to connect! but be wise what are you connecting to, who are you connecting to! it’s okay to be on the socials…we all need to unwind and to entertain ourselves, but you have alot of time in the die to learn digital survival skills.

It’s no longer wilderness survival skills….it’s literally digital survival skills.

And if you go extinct in few years…..I won’t be able to save you.

Only you can save yourself and your family.

Peace out!