Just Be Quiet Leeno…Just be Quiet

I don’t know if its the intensity of life lately (but what’s new) or am I actually older? But It’s just 33! So many people I know who are close to 50’s and they are Immature as fuck, so I can’t really put my finger on what caused the change.

But I changed…….drastically.

What I like about myself (lol yeah I do shush yourself and try to be like me) anyways, what I like about myself is how selfaware I am or like I’m becoming, maybe on spot not always I’d be aware but 100% within the same day or within short few days….I’d be analyzing myself or reflecting to self regulate and I’d become aware of what happened.

So…I noticed lately how my social battery is draining quicker…how I’m being drawn more to silence than to the meaningless chitchat, and how my tolerance to bullshit was always so thin and it became 10000x worse.

And I know if you see me or know of me, hear of me you won’t believe what I’ll say now….

But I became quieter….

Yeah! All of the loudness you see now, is actually like 40% less than what it was 20 days ago…my instagram stories are less, my trouble making is less….the Capitol was throwing obstacles every single day, now its every few days.

I’m just prefering the silence somehow…i’m aware more than ever of my energies, like I can sense them actually sense them when they are very high and when they are very low and I arrange my day and my schedule accordingly.

I now know that I need 1:30–2 hours minimum when I wake up to just sip on my coffee, reflect, write, think and just start a slow day.

Then after that, its peak energy time! From 7 am to around 11 thats peak energy! My performance levels are insane! Any work that needs to be done should happen now.

After that it becomes a blur between lunch and a mandatory nap (as i dont sleep enough at night) so i take a long nap, wake up groggy, takes me 2 hours to adjust, then if i didnt have a socially intense morning then I still have energy to go out and be social, but if i had a draining morning then its best to avoid humans because a fight will surely take place.

From 8–10 thats my wind down time, unless if i’m out, then at home its “me time” and voice notes gets thrown to the next day, any serious conversations, anything that require energy i park it till my next morning 5–7 am chitchatting time where the entire humanity is asleep and I’m the one responding to what they sent me the day before lol.

You see before my life was a mess, it still is to an extent but i’m becoming more and more aware of what my body actually needs and how do “I” function, not based on anybody’s advise, not based on some proven methods, no no…what I need.

So i still need to figure out my mid day till early evening routine as alot of time gets wasted unnecessarily, i can do better, optimize it better, rest less or maybe just dont eat heavily that i wouldn’t have the mid day crash.

But also it became more and more clear how I’m no longer capable to spread myself thin for others, i became even more selective and i already was very selective with my friends but now even those selected few, I’m trimming them down.

This 24/7 access to me is no longer serving me, its draining my energy unncessarily…its making me talk unnecessarily, argue unnecessarily, fight unnecessarily, try to explain unnecessarily, try to prove a thing unnecessarily, share a story to those who ask and then mid story try to cut me off as their attention span cannot tolerate it anymore…..and its always ending in frustration.

So I actually am taking strict measures. New phone number so far only 3–4 humans have my whatsapp number and maybe it will be always like this, as only those i care to respond to on spot, i need to be there whenever they want me to. The rest they can message me on the gram dm’s and i dont have notifications on, so when I check it…I check it! If they are dying then I’m surely not one to save them.

And I’m very strict with this! Even today i met a friend and her business partner to help them with a work thing and the business partner said:

“Lets make a group for better discussions” and i kindly rejected and said….I don’t do work on whatsapp.

If its a must for it to be a “group” then you can do instagram dm’s else I’d rather it be on email as anyways we dont need to communicate that much.

For the person hearing this, they won’t like it much but they have no option but to respect it. And for me..thats how I’m conserving my energy for what matters.

Also today I found myself venturing one story after the other about crazy stuff that happened with me and honestly the person infront of me was the one who asked so i was responding and every time I respond with something they only listen to respond with something dismissive, like:

But how is that related to?

But how does that impact you?

Lots of buts….zero analysis.

But here it was my fault, i didn’t notice! I didn’t notice and should’ve got the hint that this person is an energy sucker! I’ve met this type waaaaay too many times, the ones that actually would like you ALOOOOT! If they are the one talking.

They’d love you! Even though the convo ends and they were the the one doing the talking and thats exactly why they love you! Because you made them talk about themselves and people love nothing more than “me,me,me,me” hearing the sound of their own voice (even though some do hate it…still that won’t stop them from the self yapping)

So i left that outing…drained! But it was my fault, i wasn’t aware…i should have been aware from the first 5 minutes, but maybe I was trying to impress? Maybe i was trying to prove something? I don’t know….but i should’ve just been quiet.

Ask few questions, let them yap, nod in agreement….move on.

That’s it a very simple formula.

So for me, i am learning how to speak less, listen more.

Not because those who are talking are better at it than me, more insightful than me, smarter than me. No no no no…

It’s because no matter what i say, it falls on deaf ears, and even if it doesn’t fall on deaf ears even if they listen…whats the point? Why do I need to share or to entertain or or or….why? Whats the purpose.

I think its more beneficial to me, to socialize with humans, build the connections, entertain, say whats needed…else….be quiet.

I need to be quiet.

It’s not mandatory for me to state my opinions every single damn time.

For who???? Who are these that I fight so hard for them to listen?

What impact will happen to my life if they do listen?

The impact is zero.

So….that means the energy invested is wasted because if you invest that much anything and you get zero output.

Then thats a failed investment.

So…that’s it! That’s what i want to practice doing more of now.

learning how to listen more

how to react less

And just being silent…..

This is live…I came here after that draining morning to try and do some work, and ended up just staring into the nothingness…then i started writing this’ because i have zero energy to do anything! Even listening to music feels like a chore.

So i’ll just be silent today….

And make better use of my regenerated energy tomorrow.

Peace out!