True Love is…The Hard Conversations
That’s it!
True love is…the hard conversations.
I worked for over 10 years and I made soooo many friends, besties, enemies…but the only one that mattered from all the hundreds….is only one.
The one that stayed…when the conversation got hard…multiple times.
Basma
My first manager…she literally chose to stay and to help me fight my demons, without even knowing what my demons are…but you don’t really need to know anything to help anyone. You just need to be patient, listen, accept and forgive.
Thats it:
Be patient, listen, accept…and forgive.
Thats the formula you apply to any relationship if you love someone unconditionally.
In my case I’ve said it a hundred and billion times…I fell in love with Basma the moment I saw her, for me she will forever be the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my life.
But she was even more beautiful on the inside, I have never met anyone like her!!
And when I reflect on my life and if i block out all the noise…I realise how insanely lucky I was to start my career with her, and I could’ve stayed with her till the end, but that’s not the path thats destined for either me or her.
And it could’ve ended peacefully, but we both wouldn’t have grown.
So I wrecked havoc on her, and I’ve hurt her sooo deeply even though she have never done anything but loved me!
But you see if you do enough shadow work, you realise:
The size of damage caused = the size of pain felt
So you can imagine how much pain i was suffering from to go shatter the only human in my life at that point that chose to love me unconditionally.
And you know how I know its unconditional? Because even after everything…all the damage…and after so many months…
When I called, she picked up! She was so cold with me but she picked up.
And when I sent her that voice note while I was sitting in the car crying hysterically due to everything that is happening in my life.
She left everything…she left all the damage I caused her, and she called me back! Worried about me!
She was so scared that I’d do anything stupid because she can see I’m on the verge.
She loved me unconditionally without her even trying, without me even asking…it’s just like that…destiny.
She always used to tell me, that for her she feels like I’m her little sister and she doesn’t know why but she just let all my mistakes slip!
All of that mad shit that I used to do at work to drive her insane! Everyone respected Basma, no one dared.
I respected her too alot! but I dared! Hahah because I’m mischievous! I don’t know how to be a good girl, honestly….impossible 😈!
If you tell me you can come to this life again and choose a sister, I’d choose her! But then again! She’s not meant to be my sister….I wouldn’t grow! She would be taking all the blame, the heat, the shouting…i’d be too protected, I wouldn’t be me!
And also the same case for her, I would have surely corrupted her! She’d probably be an angry rebel sitting rolling joints somewhere in the jungles, because she’s too fed up from what she saw in life with me….she wouldn’t be the kindest, most patient leader I’ve ever met in my life.
So…I think its for the best, the roles that we, not by choice, but by destiny…filled for each other.
An unspoken agreement 🤝
Her role was to be only my manager, not to be my saviour, to listen to my traumas she actually barely know anything, she never asked…I barely told.
And yet…she took that role without me asking.
I haven’t seen her since May 2023 when I broke her heart and left.
But I apologized 100 and billion times and after the last one…I think…she forgave me, maybe she already did…before I even said the first apology.
And what I realised is, maybe I’ll not see her in years! And she’s not even on my socials…But that’s all noise!
She’s always there when I truly need her, she always responds when I reach out, she’ll always be in my life, I’ll forever be there for her’ even though she’s the protector of me and I’m not…I don’t want to be, I can’t fill that role and she doesn’t need me to.
But for her….I’ll always be “around” that’s it! I’ll be the safety net.
I’ll be there, for when she will need anything ever, I will leave everything and be there as nothing would ever matter more than her.
And I do help now…without her asking, and I always will, now and forever and when I’m broke or when I’m a billionaire.
She will forever be, the only boss that I’ll accept having. Period.
Because if she managed to stay to have with me all of those hard conversations…then I don’t see how she can’t lead my businesses to where they need to go, she will be my boss, even when I’m a billionaire…I want her to, I need her to.
Without any offers, without any negotiations.
Whatever the price, whatever the conditions are, wherever the locations is.
My answer is…”yes” 🤝
And we won’t even have a “price” conversation, that is wayy too pathetic for your value to me, if I put a price then I’m linking your value to something…worthless.
There won’t be any price…you take whatever you want, and I’ll double it (because you’re too humble), maybe tripple it 🤷🏽♀️ MAYBE!! I’ll sign it all off to you and just go become a hippie hehehe! You see’ that’s exactly why you need to be MY BOSS🫡!
So i wouldn’t do something stupid like that 🤍
Just give me some time…and enjoy your own journey until then.
And linking to what I wrote yesterday, the conversation that I had with mom, I realised that our entire existence in this life together until yesterday was a “hard conversation”, our life as two individuals who for whatever reason were created to live this human experience linked to each other like this, with all of our challenges, all the trauma, all the anger…we never had any conversation…but a hard conversation.
And we stayed…we both stayed! Even though I left but I always stayed, I actually worked sooo damn hard and I isolated myself for so many years and I took the blame and the burdens to try to heal “me”…so I can heal “her”.
I chose her over my pain.
Just like how she chose me over all the pains that I caused her.
True love is in the hard conversations.
You know I’ve read my article from yesterday way too many times, maybe i’ve never read anything I’ve written as much as that one.
It’s like something I’ve been searching for my entire life..and I found it! And I can’t believe out of all the places, i found it….within! Soo cliche and yet! Thats the reality!
I found the answers, the solutions, the closure, the healing, the love, the forgiveness….within.
And in one part I said:
Mom brought me to this world, and unintentionally instead of giving me a “home” she gave me “hell”.
She gave me demons that took 33 years of my life to beat.
She gave me so many traumas that put me at disadvantage at life, she didn’t prep me to win the race, she overloaded me with burdens that forced me to drag my feet…I could’ve never won the race.
You see upon reflection…I don’t know why mom chose to have us, maybe she wanted to, maybe society pressure, maybe anything…doesn’t matter it’s done!
But I believe she already knew this is “hell” so she didn’t give me “hell” she had no other options! As this is “hell” already, but within “hell” she tried to create a tiny protected safe haven for me, and even though she left me in it alone….but because she had to go fight the demons outside and she knew I’m in the safe haven…safe.
And she made sure to toughen me up, to not need her, not need anyone! No one!
Because she knows that time will come, and I’d be abandond…she’ll leave one day whether we like it or not, she’ll leave as that’s the undeniable fact in life, we come…we leave.
And others will come…and they will leave me too! And she didn’t want me to collapse when that happens, as she knows how painful that is.
So she toughened me up! No crying allowed! Literally military training the way she used to deal with me!
She actually was training me for the battle! She didn’t burden me to not win the race, she actually broke me, to toughen me up, so I can win the race.
Wow….
You know how those martial arts students go to their masters and the master beat them up with no mercy, for them to toughen up, to grow, to tolerate…to win.
That’s what she did…she made me a warrior.
And what a fine work she’s done! Honestly…what a fine work.
She created an undefeatable warrior.
She made me a true warrior, a warrior of light, the one that doesn’t care if the entire evil in the world is against me, id put my head vs. the head of the strongest and most powerful. Because I was already trained like that!
I was already trained vs. an opponent way bigger than me! She was way bigger, way more powerful and she fought me as an equal.
So i grew up…to fight evil…as an equal!
I have never met anyone as powerful as me, never in my life…no man and no woman. Everyone was around me, seeing it all…and they chose to look away.
I chose and always will…to fight!
because I wouldn’t be who I am if I let evil win, if I let them break me.
You see when someone says “I’ll be a billionaire” do you even know how big of a liability that is? Do you know how many eyes, evil, dangers, bad people will be looking my way.
I won’t be able to hide then…I wont be able to fight small battles then, I won’t have the freedom to be as opinionated as I am now, as every word I say will have consequences.
I’ll lose my freedom
Governments will be aware…of me!
And if you’ve seen who I am so far….lets just say, I won’t be people’s favorite cup of tea…I’m too loud :)
If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have been this sure that I’ll reach that status, and that I will be capable of it, I wouldn’t dare….
But not only I dare…I know.
I need to do it, to prove a point. That’s all.
If I say “thank you” it will be just as silly as “sorry” so I don’t want to say it.
I’ll show you how thankful I am mama, with the difference I’ll make in this world.
Other kids maybe were A students, gifted in music, sports, reached high titles in corporates.
But your kid…will go down in history books, and I’ll make sure…everyone knows about…you :)
MY MASTER 🕉️
There’s a third one…but that one for me to worry about.
**MY ******
So we move on….focus on your own life please. God bless 🙏
You see people throw around the term “i love you unconditionally” i know it’s been said to me many times in my life, and I believed it…only for me to do one mistake and booom I’m out of the picture, gone! No begging! No apologies, no nothing can help me…just gone.
Where is the “Unconditionalism” in that?
But thats it…people throw alot of terms just like that, and I always talk about how it frustrates me…like dont call yourself my best friend or push me to say it! Because every time I said it! You guys fucked me up badly!
And until this day…I FUCKING HATE THIS “Best friend” no human ever came and is worthy of that, and I mean it NO HUMAN.
I label some people with it, because they are the closest to it, but none of them stayed to have the hard conversations….one of them tried, we did, now gone again, maybe in the future we will have another hard conversation and we will be back but as it stands….no.
If you can’t have the hard conversation then you’re not anything not even a close friend.
And that’s where we all go wrong, giving people who are not worthy of us, our energy, our presence, our kindness, our time…our existence!
We give them those titles, undeserved.
Well it never felt comfortable for me saying that, it always felt wrong…and now I realised why i always felt wrong saying it, because my gut feeling never lies…it wasn’t deserved so it’s a lie, a lie that i kept on saying to convince myself that they are worthy…and to give them what they wanted to hear.
But i no longer want that, so If I ever told you you are my best friend, forgive me…I lied.
No explanations needed….no closures…no fights.
Just accept it…as it’s the reality.
For me, it would be hella hard for you to be my best friend and I actually never surrounded myself with those who are like me, none of my friends are like me and I love them to death.
But that doesn’t mean they are (my best friend) to be my best friend is a whole another game…that none of you is qualified to play in that game so I can’t even be bothered telling you what the admission requirements are.
So to wrap up, reflect on the relationships around you and think…
who is having the hard conversations with you? Who is the only one that bothers to tell you or give you feedback about your business to help you make it better, when everybody else may have saw the same faults but cheered and clapped for you, because that was so easy!
But they can’t be bothered to help you!
Its soo easy to say the positives…but who loves you enough to say the negatives? As the positives take so little energy, its few words…but the negatives require alooooot of explanation & justification.
Its sooo easy to fake support you with a reshare a like or whatever the fuck is considered support these days.
But who is the one that when shit hits the fan, actually roll their sleeves and go into the trenches with you, without you even asking.
Who shouts at you in anger for something that doesnt even concern them, but they say it out of worry about you, because they can see whats wrong and you are too blind to see…who does that?
Because those who do that are the ones that piss you off…trigger your insecurities…challenge you.
But they do that because they love you…while the rest who “love you” they choose the easy path…
to cheer for your wrong choices and fucked up life plans or partners…
because they can’t be bothered tell you otherwise and have a hard conversation with you…even though they see it.
So when you reach here…the exercise is to reflect and identify those people.
And if you didn’t find any…nothing! Then don’t feel victimized, it means you didn’t put yourself out there enough, you didn’t love deeply, you didn’t love unconditionally, you didn’t give kindness without anyone asking for it in return, you were never genuine and honest to yourself before being that to them, you weren’t that friend for others, for them to be like this back.
Because if you did…then you’d find at least one!
one who is willing to have the hard conversation with you.
I am blessed to have 3.
3 that are so different, so unrelated, so unique.
3 of the most challenging relationships that I ever had….the 3 that will forever be the top three that matters.
As whether they are physically close or not….that’s all noise, doesn’t matter…it’s unconditional.
And maybe the 3 will be 4…who knows.
But for now, those 3 I will forever love them unconditionally.
Peace out!
P.S: I won’t be sending this article to those 3 above, if they stumble across it…good. If not, they already know :)
