Something’s Gotta Give

I noticed myself saying that sentence 2 days ago as I was trying to do everything all at once, juggling 100 and billion things at one go, and a sudden voice inside of me said “STOP”.

And I did stop….I stopped and I reflected.

You know I have this very annoying habit of overwhelming myself, like literally no body asks me to do anything…and yet I go take initiative for anything and everything.

Host first day of Ramadan while fasting and invite around 10 humans and kids (because it’s debatable if kids are humans pre a specific age 😭) and I’ve never even ever hosted like this! Or even cooked like this! I literally live my entire year on deliveries because I can’t be bothered.

But I always knew I’m a chef! Nobody believes it’ but I don’t care about them 🤣 I know that once I enter the kitchen and I’m in a good mood…then the output would be a masterpiece.

Waking up super early like I always do anyways but in Ramadan we fast, which means I’m waking up by 3:30 am and not drinking water or eating till around 6:30 pm. Not the easiest you know! But I love my routine, I literally look forward to my mornings like now (it’s 6:15 am now).

I love the peace I feel, the no rush in sipping my coffee, listening to my music, writing, scrolling on socials or playing 2048 while I let my thoughts wander.

That all is such a sacred ritual that I can’t even imagine starting the day not like that, but what changed is! The fact that after we break our fast its our ritual every ramadan that my sister makes arabian coffee (not turkish, the one with extra cardamom and its lighter in color).

So literally she preps it and takes it to the terrace and once we finish eating we all go up stairs and hang out, drink coffee and chitchat….without me noticing i’d be on my first cup, second…third or I lose count, you just sip, laugh, talk….and be present.

So I’d never not do it! It’s part of “what Ramadan is” for me, but this also mean this late caffeinated time is making me sleep way past my bedtime, 12 am — 1 am.

I honestly don’t remember the last time I stayed up that late, because as I said my morning ritual is sacred that I intentionally go sleep early so I make sure to wake up rested and ready for my rituals.

And add to that the feeling of guilt that I’m not doing any work…I have many things ready to be released, things I built, things I learnt, things I need to do…and I literally need to do it like yesterday🤣 because my entire financial survival depends on it…but what do I do?

I go to the kitchen and I cook not one, not two’ no no , I need to make the family a main, a salad and an appetizer or two.

But….I’m just loving cooking man! Like when I’m not in the kitchen, I’m just thinking about it hahahah! (Tell me you’re becoming old without telling me you’re becoming old😭).

And also I need to start wrapping up my life, and selling my items…alooot of adhocs to be done.

And I need to make sure my parents are happy and okay and they got all of their needs and to pick them up and drop them off wherever they want to go, and they don’t really ask me to…but I love to! Because me and mama have this thing where we both get nauseated to the smells of taxis in dubai.

No matter if its an uber, a careem or the street one! The taxis in the gulf because its hot outside and its highways they always close the windows, which ends up when the men stink the smell of stinkiness gets engrained in their AC system and the chairs, so it doesnt matter on the day we ride in it if they are clean or not, the smell is already locked in there.

In syria, taxis dont have ac’s or those who do, never turn it on as we don’t have petrol…so the windows are always opened (which I love) so for me, getting a taxi in dubai is hell! I only do it

To/from airport.

So i’d never want mama to suffer, as we both have the same sensitivity to smells which others may not notice but we both do 😭, hence why I always jump first to offer to pick up and drop off, and with the current dubai traffic…my goodness!

So there’s aloooot going on, way more than the 24 hours which we all have can be enough for.

Which brings us to:

“Something’s gotta give”

When I started entering the kitchen to cook, I’ve dropped “work”…I literally haven’t opened my laptop for 4 days now.

Even this article, I write it on my phone.

Many times I just write directly on the medium app on my phone, so I’m used to it.

So when something’s gotta give, i gave away “work” hahahah! The onlyyyy thinggg that should be my top priority now, literally INSANELY IMPORTANT FOR MY SURVIVAL!

No no…what do you mean?

I need to go chef it up in the kitchen for 8 hours of my day 😭

But there’s weird sense of peace inside of me…a type of peace that I don’t remember if I ever in my 33 years of living if I had it before.

Its a weird kind of peace, a peace that logically i can’t really understand how on earth I’m that calm when literally everything is unstable! Like crazy! And yet…I’m so calm, so joyful, so at peace as if none of those major life changes and obstacles are hitting me right and left.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful that I have that peace, my god I’ve literally spent a life time searching for it….but I’m just saying my analytical brain is not finding a justification for it hahaha its so weird.

But I think thats what “faith” is…..accepting that god has a plan, trusting that god is there to protect me from all evil, and having enough proof from my past that no matter what happens, I always end up exactly where I should be, even if it takes months, years, many heart breaks, failures…each and every thing that happened, I realized later exactly why, and I was shown how it fit in the creation of the bigger picture.

Such a sad thing that people are brainwashed to think that “faith” is, saying a set of prayers, specific movements meaninglessly, without having your heart in it, without feeling it, without anything…just follow the mechanics! Thats FAITH!

And that couldn’t be any further from the truth…

But I guess…god intentionally made it hard to achieve, so only those who truly seek…shall find.

And I’m not in any ways saying I’ve got it all figured out, no no…maybe we never do as humans.

But…every step I took whether a wrong step or a right step, it either was progress up or a lesson that took me back few steps down to try and do it again to actually be worthy of the blessings of the next step or maybe to be ready for the obstacles at the next level that god always preps for them in advance.

And while yes the preparation do mean I get crushed and shattered to pieces, but isn’t this how diamonds are made? Under pressure?

I was looking at crystals and gemstones yesterday and read yesterday about diamonds and I had no clue that its the hardest known natural material.

And it represents “Invinsibility”, or something that cannot be broken, hence why it was chosen as “THE” representation of marriage, because it resembles a promise for an unbreakable bond.

But I wonder how many of those who pay thousands and thousands for carats….actually know the beauty and story behind it :)

Anyways, does that above means I’m saying “I’m a diamond”….I mean, duh! Of course I am hahaha well I think so far I’ve proven how unbreakable I am, I saw with my own eyes how I’m stronger and more resilient than those who are way older, those who are physically 10x more muscular and strong…etc.

So yeah my features surely represents a diamond.

But this diamond need to sit her ass down and actually work, you know what…If i was doing a stupid office job like I used to, working on something useless and unfulfilling just to grab a cheque at the end of the month, I wouldn’t feel this guilt I’m feeling.

Because Meh! I don’t need to be exceptional at work during ramadan, I have the rest of the year to compensate and please the bosses.

But this time…my work is directly linked to my life mission, my purpose, my impact….so many lives will be changed because of it, so I feel the guilt because the faster the ball starts rolling the sooner those lives will be changed.

So when I sit and waste time, or go spend my day in the kitchen, I feel insane guilt that this is not the best use of my energy and time.

Because I know what I’m capable of, I know exactly where I’m heading, and I know exactly what I’ll be achieving.

So….when “something’s gotta give” I think its time now for the first time ever for that thing to not be “work”.

So I’ll sit today and figure out a system where I’d still give myself the joy of cooking as it’s a creative outlet for me, but maybe I should just maybe limit it to 3 days a week and not message mom every day now at 7 am…mama! Don’t cook anything today I’m already at the supermarket will surprise you guys with the menu hahahah.

Legit! Its me and like 5 others at union co-op at this early hours.

God how blessed I am to have this life, how its an absolute privilege to complain about not having enough time, that I have to choose between the many things that brings me joy.

Because even the work I’m doing now, honestly it makes my heart skips a beat, as I’ve i’m falling in love! I literally LOVE IT! I think about it when I’m not doing it (and feel guilty about it).

But also how blessed I am, that I’ve lost or more like dropped from my life all of those who don’t matter all at one go (not by choice, life made sure it naturally happened) that now I have way more time and energy, to those who matter the most.

Because “something’s gotta give” also in relationships, I can’t be my best for everyone.

I can’t be the best daughter, the best aunty, the best friend all at the same time, some mornings I’m the best daughter and in the evening I’m the best friend, and on weekends I can be the best aunty 🤷🏽‍♀️

And I think…no I know actually not think, I know that I’m ready to be add to the list above, the best “partner” ;)

It’s time, I know it’s time, and everytime someone exceptional came to my life, I knew few months before it, I had the same intuition that I have now.

So I know someone is coming, and I’m excited for that adventure.

Because now I have the energy, the capacity to both love myself and my partner, to build a home with someone, to have a life partner, someone to share the good and the bad with.

I always was “life partner” material, I always was there for the bad before the good, the challenges of life never deterred me, as I’m used to challenges, I don’t know life without challenges.

So when a person with challenges comes to my life and I love them, I always accept the challenges, it doesn’t scare me away, we can work through them, fix them, heal from them…we can do it together.

I want someone who is a diamond like me, strong and resilient, else they won’t know how to be with me, my life and my actions will be tooo overwhelming for them.

Because they’ll keep on trying to change me, and I’ll always end up in frustrations.

I don’t want someone to tell me, why do you fight like this? Why do you always have to go do whats right when you’re the one losing? How about you just focus on yourself and let others fight for themselves?

Yeah I heard those statements before, and that means we’re not a match.

The person who is worthy of being my “life partner” is a person who have the same moral compass like me, who have integrity, who their values doesn’t allow them to see evil and look the other way, for their “convenience”.

God has built me in a way that I have so much energy and power to fight, to fight to make a change, or at least try to.

But I can’t be happy if I look the other way, matter of fact I’d be miserable.

And I know that this means being with me is hard, because you’ll always worry about me, because life with me is a constant unfortunate life events and challenges.

But when you are a diamond like me, then you know there’s a time to fight and a time for “us”. So i never take my battlefields home, I actually be wrecking havoc and I’d be on the beach chilling :) for others they think I’m at home panicking or crying or worried.

Yeah maybe I am worried, but I’m worried while I’m tanning on the beach love! If I let my life stop every time I went to fight evil, then I wouldn’t be living!

Only a diamond would understand.

I am not interested in anything less, and I’ve been with enough people now, to actually when that person comes I’d know from the get go, is this the diamond or not?

And if not then this time I wont spend exhaust my energy to try to make them one!

No…it’s not my job to do so.

You’ll never be so, and shit will hit the fan quicker than we both like, and it would be time wasted for both of us.

I am no longer interested in that, I am beyond blessed and happy with the life I have now on my own, that either I share it with that one who’s worthy of creating a life together, or I’m not interested.

As simple as that.

Peace out!