The Cheap Dopamine From Societal Validation

For a while now I thought that I don't care about getting the validation of others, and that for sure I'm as far from being a people pleaser as it's humanly possible...right?

Wrong :)

When I was at the monastery, if you read the previous stories you'll know that I met a veryyyy interesting girl which the conversations between was were flowing for hours and hours and we didn't have time there because no phones and I didn't have a watch and neither did she, so the only way was to go walk to to the main entrance where there's a big clock in the middle of the yard,

So every day we have from 2 pm to 3:30 pm a discussion group, each one of us got assigned randomly a group number and we gather every day and have a list of questions which are given to us and we can sit and discuss them, and to be fair they were really interesting actually because of how diverse it is, so you get to hear perspectives of people from all walks of lifes, we were:
French, German, 2 Russians, 2 Israelis, 1 Argentinian, 1 Hawaiian, 1 Korean and yours truly (Syrian)

Some days the discussions were really good, others were bland, but surely I was more interested in talking with that girl over the discussion groups, so one day as I was rushing us to go check the clock because I don't want to be late to the discussion group, she said sarcastically:
Yes yes go run to your boring group, you do know that staying and talking with me is way more interesting right?

And she was absolutely right! but I said: but I can't! I have to go!

She said: Why??? you are choosing to waste the limited time that we have together, to go to that discussion group?

I said: Yes I'd love to stay, but like I don't want the people in the group to know that I ditched to just stay and chitchat with you.

She said: Who cares!!! who are these people anyways!

I looked at her perplexed, because yeah I 100% agree to everything she said, why the F am I choosing still to go to that group discussion when she was so easily willingly to ditch hers, and its not like this is school! no body cares where you are and whether you attend of not...but I couldn't! so I just went to my discussion group....

And while I was sitting with them, I was so absent minded, I couldn't stop thinking about how I literally chose to do something that is not what I wanted in my heart, but because I didn't want to displease others, mind you..others that are basically strangers..I couldn't find an answer why.

At 3:30 when we finish the discussions we have a teaching session scheduled by one of the nuns where we sit in the big Gompa and listen to whatever topic we are being taught about, so I took my regular spot ( I have a thing where once I like a spot, I just become uncomfortable sitting any where else, so that became my regular spot that if anyone wants me, they know they can come find me there haha) anyways my friend came sat down next to me, and the moment she sat down, I said:

I can't believe I chose that discussion group over staying and talking with you! that was lame AF!

She rolled her eyes and we were laughing but I actually told her that this incident requires reflection from my end because I genuinely don't know where did that come from? or maybe it's who I am already but I didn't know? because in my head I thought that me seeking the validation of others was a thing of the past, especially after 2025 that year has brutally forced me to shed down all of my layers, perceptions, beliefs..everything! like it stripped me from everything that when I went out of it, it felt like I broke all the chains that were tying me up!

And in my head, I thought caring about what people think is a thing of the past! because I literally rebelled! holy shit what I've done in the past few months, if I was no filter before I became a no filter x10000, not in an unjust way, but I genuinely stopped putting anyone above me, not their opinions, not their feelings, not anything!

But where did that come from? me caring about those strangers? and why? why did it feel like No no no no I can't I can't! I must go!

That was soo weird! but it made me go deep within, and that was the perfect place to reflect as every day before bed and every day when I wake up, I have time to chill and no phone to use, so I can just go deep within me and monitor whats going on, and I realized that the culture that I come from, the way that our parents raise us up, its always "Comparison based"

You are always compared to anyone and everyone in every situation, "oh you should go look at X daughters how good they are at X", "Your cousin got perfect A's while you barely got one", my mom used to compare us ALOOOOOT to every human being, thank god she stopped doing that as we are older, or maybe because now she knows that if she says a word, I say 10 😂 so she can never win an argument with me, especially that every person she may mention I'd prove with fact why they are not better, but anyways to be fair it's literally been yeaaaaaaaaars since I heard any comparison, I don't even remember any in my adult life...but the impact from childhood lingers:

The acceptance of the society

Every action we do in my culture, is derived from the intention of wanting to appear in a specific way so people in the society approve of you, get higher marks so your parents can brag about how good you are infront of the society, score a good fiance/husband so people in the society will be impressed by how good of a catch you are that you managed to score such a husband! wear brands, hang out in specific places, speak in a specific way all so others can look at you and approve the woman that you became.

So I think, my action of not being able to just say yeah fuck it I don't want to go to that discussion group (which I didn't want to) comes from the fact that I am uncomfortable with the idea of doing an action that may trigger dismay in others, like I don't want them to see me at the gompa or at dinner or tea and to come say oh we haven't see you at the discussion group, what do I tell them? knowing that there are 5 rules we should obey during the duration of the course, one of them is: No lying.

So what do I tell them? yeah actually I was more interested in talking with X than joining your discussion group 😂 yeaaaah....that will not go down well haha.

I don't know it's such a silly incident but it made me actually see a part of me that I thought I overcame, and I realised that I actually didn't!

maybe it's waaaayyy less than before, but it's surely still there! because I still get happy when I get praised, I get happy when my efforts are acknowledged, and in the teachings of Buddhism they told us that you shouldn't be attached to the outcome, so basically in the scenarios above its okay to get happy if praised (that's normal) but you shouldn't get upset if you don't get praised, same thing if your efforts go unacknowledged, it shouldn't impact you negatively, you should be neutral about it. but I actually do get upset, not that I'd go cry myself to sleep but like I'd sense a mood shift in me if I'm putting efforts for someone and it goes unacknowledged, and that means: I STILL SEEK VALIDATION

FUCK!

Who knew!!! little miss rebel turns out I'm still a basic bitch haha not but jokes aside you know what I love, and I actually think of it as blessing, it's the blessing of "self awareness" like that incident happen and my system immediately caught my behavior as something odd! and it made me go into reflection and fixing it is not an over night thing but being aware of an issue is the first step to finding a solution, I actually believe most people are validation seekers, some more than the others but I can't think of one person who truly in all of their actions didn't care about what others thought of them.

Even that girl! in that incident she didn't care about those strangers in her discussion group and she can ditch easily, BUT! she cares about her image IRL (IRL here I mean outside the monastery) because she's for example not comfortable showing her face without makeup, because IRL she's a model who's always in shoots and looking perfect for the gram...etc. So she does care about the opinion of others but in another aspect, yeah I don't know man everything around us fight against us accepting ourselves in our true nature,

Like look at Social media (which I call the tools of the devil) it's literally nothing but constant cheap dopamine rush that actually fries our nervous system, and it makes us link our self worth with vanity metrics: how many liked, how many commented, did they react? did they interact? did they like me?
And even the greatest of them all (in the materialistic world) the celebs, the athletes, the content creators, no matter how much success they achieve, it still gets to them the comments and opinions of others,

And that's why so many celebs when they are no longer relevant whether due to the fact that they aged, or they've lost the "IT" factor, or maybe they just can't keep up with the changing world, no matter how much validation they got in the past and how much success they've achieved and the millions and billions...once they stop having the validation, it kills them! so many ended their life because they couldn't deal with the self worthlessness they felt from being "invalidated"

So I don't really know at the moment, how can I care less? I mean I thought I did, but clearly I still do...so I don't know, maybe it still falls under the "Self love and self worth" category, maybe if I keep on improving myself in that aspect, maybe it comes as a bi-product to be so accepting of oneself that no comment, opinion or action of anyone on the outside can impact it.

Worthy of a reflection.

Peace out!