The Saddest Person in Paradise [Moving to Bali]

Somewhere in Sayan, Ubud

This is a story of how I wanted to escape the rat race, moved to Paradise…shit hitting the fan and I spiral into the darkest place on the planet earth.

So..Bali! I went the first time to Bali maybe 2017 or 2018 with a group of friends and we had an amazing time, everything about it was exceptional, it is everything you see in pictures and even better!

You stay in amazing villas with private pool for cheap, you get to live the island life yet its quite modernized (western restaurants, good amenities, high speed internet…etc) and also its a hub for Digital nomads, the coolest people on the planet earth, the ones that they didn’t want to succumb to the traditional work life of sitting behind a desk in a confined space, looking outside of the window from your desk seeing life moving outside, and you’re stuck here…years are passing from your life, and you have no control of it, you go to work and you leave when its already dark outside barely seeing any sun, yeah Digital nomads are the ones that hate that…I hated that too (still do).

For me it feels unnatural the way the world works, it genuinely feel like a trap! They are trapping us in prisons that they make us choose but the reality is, is it even a choice? Because if we don’t go into that prison, are we able to keep up with the demands and basics necessities of the life outside of prison? No we don’t.

And what’s even more crazy is that we all know we are trapped! We all know its a prison and yet because we are all doing it, those who try to swim against the flow, those who question this life and the reason of their existence they will know that this “modern slavery” is against our human nature, we weren’t created to be locked up in confined spaces, as far from nature as possible, sitting behind a desk the entire day, not using any of the muscles and organs that were gifted to us by god, and letting them die and waste away…every passing minute.

I actually got the feeling of being trapped the first day I started my full time job as an intern in a digital marketing agency, I sat down behind my desk and an hour in and then the sudden realization hit me! I said oh shit!!! I’m trapped and this is just the beginning of it, I felt I can’t breathe, I wanted to run away, I started making excuses in my mind how to quit, even though when I did the interviews I loved the office, the people! How casual the environment is, it was the perfect atmosphere for someone like me, and yet once I started on my first day, I felt like I did the biggest mistake in my life a crime against my human nature, and I really wanted to quit!

But somehow everything was conspiring against that, from the day I joined to getting my emiratesID it took 10 days (insanely fast, and not the usual case) they increased my salary twice within the first month because they felt sorry for how I didn’t negotiate the intern salary that I accepted (I was soo clueless to even know it was an option) but all other interns negotiated 2k dirhams more, so they matched my salary with them because they saw from my first month the big potential that I have, so they weren’t giving me any reason to quit, add to that my boss was the sweetest human on the planet earth, and the most good looking one! When I met her in the interview I was WOWed! Like how is it possible for someone to look this good and be so sweet at the same time! I loved her!! So it was the perfect start for my career literally more than anyone can ask for…and yet! I’m suffocated.

But I needed to be an adult, so I pushed through and pushed through, years passing, career progressing, salary getting higher and higher, yet I’m empty on the inside, I’m miserable, nothing feels satisfactory, but i need to be an adult and I started having responsibilities, my parents took care of me my entire life (up until the day I came to Dubai at the age of 23 and that was the end of my financial dependence on them) so when I financially became capable I immediately stepped in to start taking care of them instead, they’ve done more than enough for me and now it brings me absolute joy to be the one that they rely on, the one that can get them anything they wish for, anything they desire, I make it happen.

So with responsibilities and commitments I dig myself into the trap deeper and deeper.

2018, I couldn’t take it anymore, I was putting so much pressure on myself in all aspects in my life, I started getting physical symptoms, my body alarming me that I’m on the verge of massive breakdown, but I had no clue!

I was sleepless, and when I sleep my brain doesn’t shut down! I open my eyes at 3 am thinking of a strategy to present to the client, I lost my appetite, my mouth was dry no matter how much water I drink, and I started having insane heat waves! I sweat like crazy even when everyone around me in the office is normal and the AC is blazing, these all happened for 2–3 weeks and I was ignoring them, until the day I wake up at 4 am (I didn’t use to wake up early back in the days and didn’t have my current morning routine).

I woke up and stayed lying in bed, dreading life, dreading my existence…not wanting to be here, not wanting to go yet another day to work, so I lay down in bed thinking of what can I tell my boss to not show up today, knowing that she never asks me anything, I can just say my stomach hurts or whatever and I need a day off and she’d instantly would say yes to all of us! But I didn’t want to lie! I felt like what a shitty world we live in that I’m mentally literally struggling, I’m losing my mind, I feel absolutely horrible but that all is nothing important (back then) to take a sick leave for, so I need to make it sound like a physical ailment? Didn’t want to do that!

So I stay in bed staring at the ceiling from 4 am to 8 am, then I roll out of bed and I go to work, I sat behind my desk and I swear to god, I only needed to move one task from one Asana column to another, that’s all! And I couldn’t do it! I hovered my mouse over it for 2 hours incapable do it, and here is when dread started filling me, I felt the walls around me collapsing on me, I’m unable to breathe, oh shit! What’s happening!!! I need to get out NOW!

So I see my boss sitting alone in a fully glass meeting room she just finished her meeting, I go in and I say “hey, there’s something wrong with me, It’s either I take a long break now or I need to quit and I can’t afford to quit because I need the money so please just give me a break” I say that and while saying it I collapse! Hysterical crying! And if anyone knew me back then, they’d know that its almost impossible for me to cry, and at the office I’m the jokester! The one thats always laughing and chitchatting with everyone, no one in a million years would think I was mentally struggling.

So my boss gets shocked and she doesn’t know what to do to make me feel better, she says do whatever you need to do for yourself I support you, for now just leave the office go back home and we talk later. I pack my stuff with tears streaming, my closest friends around me in the office thought someone died from my family, my close friends runs behind me to the elevator shouting my name, asking me what happened…I couldn’t respond and I didn’t even turn, I just left.

Those two weeks after this breakdown were absolute hell! I’ve never experienced anything as scary as this, I have lost all of my cognitive function, I can’t read, I can’t listen to anything unless if its on a very low volume, I can’t watch tv, I can’t do anything but keep my eyes closed.

I even tried to write my handover to my boss as I was fully managing 5 clients so its a disaster to not do a handover, i try to write a doc file and I breakdown again, i call my boss hysterically crying again saying I’m incapable of writing that doc, so she meets me in person and I verbally dictate to her my handover while she writes it down….yeah it was that bad.

And all of my close friends they had zero clue, I’m a person who suffers in silence (not good- don’t do that) so no one had any clue, even the people I hang out with every single day! So in those two weeks they were with me, they never left me, I started opening up about everything that was happening, all the depression that hasn’t been going away for years, my childhood traumas…that break down opened all of my wounds and scars BUT! It was time, because that was the beginning of my healing journey.

Fast forward 2022, over those years since my breakdown, I didn’t have another breakdown but I was still depressed, on and off, but mostly depressed! And my career kept on progressing and my salary becoming higher and higher, they loved me alot were I work and I was given the authority to do whatever I want to do, and when I give an advice to the higher ups it always gets implemented, and I was allowed to be myself entirely! I didn’t have to wear any masks in the office to cover who I am, I can make whatever jokes I want and everyone would laugh, it was unlike majority of the other places, so for me everything about that job was perfect (hence why I stayed and never left).

But what happened is 2022 I told my boss I’m miserable with my role I feel my true potential is not in doing client work and management, but its in innovation, technology and revamping processes, so she created for me the role of “SEO Innovation Lead” and took away everything that I hated doing (yet I was paid really high salary), so that was another Morphine injection to numb the screaming sounds inside of me that were shouting ever since 2016 when I stepped foot into an office.

2023, I find myself again unsatisfied, empty, my boss gave me everything I’ve asked for and yet….I’m miserable, until one little incident between me and her happened (and even though it was my fault) but that argument was the breaking point, it was on a Friday and then we had long weekend, that long weekend the sounds inside of my head became deafening, I couldn’t not hear them and they say “quit quit quit” Tuesday morning I ask for a meeting and I quit! My boss bless her she tried to tell me to wait, to find another job, to have a backup plan but I was too stubborn, and I was already miserable even though I have the best job a person can ask for, so I definitely dont need now yet another job, I need a looong long break.

So I quit in May,2023 and after few days in a moment of inspiration the idea of “move to bali” pops into my brain, and by then I’ve been to Bali another time a month before quitting, we went backpacking for 21 days with a friend across Indonesia and ending in Bali for a week and I absolutely loved Bali and everything about it and the dream of being a digital nomad who goes surf if I’m on the beach or meditate in the jungle in the morning and then go sit in an amazing nature looking cafe behind my laptop and working or nerding on whatever…Ahhh what a beautiful dream! So I set my mind to do that!

That summer I had the most amazing time, I got loads of money from my end of service (stayed there for 7 years) so quite a good amount, along with my savings..I’m in a great position, so I started traveling, went camping in oman, Uzbekistan, travelled to Turkey to see my family and invited all the ladies of the family to a coastal vacation on my expense (heyy I just got money and I’m ballin) and we had an absolutely AMAZING TIME worth every penny, and then went to Barcelona to attend a digital marketing conference, then back to Dubai then got bored in Dubai in July so I go Turkey again, then from Turkey I go to Syria to see the family, then went back to Dubai, sold my car, emptied out my house, threw away all of my furniture for nothing (200 dirhams for things worth 15k minimum), shipped all of my clothes to Syria so my mom can give them to people who need them as I don’t need that anymore! I just need my shorts, my fliplops and bikinis…Moving to paradise Babyyyyyy!

September I go to Bali, first few days, I’m insanely excited, still filled with life, and I was busy searching for a villa, I wanted to stay in a tiny villa with a private pool to treat myself for all the years of misery that I made myself go through, I found a villa, looked amazing.

My own pool and garden looked like this👇

Then on the third day in that villa, reality starts syncing in…what have I done to myself! Where did I come? I know no body!I don’t even have a secured remote job, what am I doing with my day.

And ooooo boy! The person who was dreading going to work every day for 7 years, turns out is a person that without a job or set routine of something to do in my morning, I spiral into the deepest depression, I felt like my compass got completely wrecked, I didn’t have any thing to force me to wake up, I didn’t know what to do with myself, like yeah going to meditate and yoga is nice but….and then what?

So I sign up for a Bahasa class, thought people who would sign up to such class would be people who are considering to stay long term, so I’d make friends.

I did! It was fun, those two hours of my day gave me something to do, something that I have to go to! (Many days I didn’t because i didn’t feel like it) and some times id hang out with my class friends and we do things, it was quite fun…but then what?

Thats few hours of my day but what about the rest of my day? Absolutely empty..I have no direction no plan..nothing..and that money i have in the bank account is going down without anything coming in, another thing that made me panic as ever since I became financially independent, I always had money coming in…this was new and scary.

So I go into panic mode, applying to jobs like crazy, anything and everything, if it says remote, I apply even if it pays me $1k and I was making before $8k, I’d take it! 1k in Bali is amazing money! I apply and apply and nothing! Only automatic rejections! i was shocked!!! How come someone who thought of myself as the best one out there at what I do, I don’t even get interviewed and rejected, no! Im rejected from the get-go!

Not exaggerating if I say I was applying to jobs almost every waking minute, I go into panic mode, I’m seeing nightmares every day, and ever since I was a kid my stomach is linked to my emotional response, so if I’m not feeling okay I’d stop eating entirely, and my anxiety is so strong that It would make me throw up, so imagine me being in Paradise in that nice villa, and yet I wake up in terror every single morning and I run to the toilet to throw up, throw up what? I’m incapable of eating anyways..even though I was trying to eat every single day pushing myself, but i eat two bites and half an hour later my anxiety intensifies and I go throw up…it was bad…really bad…and I was alone!

One day from the lack of eating I tried to get up from bed to go to Bahasa class, I got soo dizzy, so I go book an appointment in the clinic to get the vitamins serum, anything to make me get stronger.

I’ve went to Bali around 2 months and a half and I’ve lost 17 kg! Can you imagine that number? Because daaays would pass by and I’m incapable of eating, so my body went into insane ketosis mode!

And everything was making me break down into tears, Fairuz! The singer that i listen to every morning, I couldn’t play her music not even once as that makes me too emotional! My sister gave me a picture of her and my niece and nephew to put next to my bed, I couldn’t even bring it out of my luggage, it makes me break down in tears, my family! Mom and dad just asking me to send them a voice note so they can hear my voice not even a video call, and I couldn’t because I’ll just break down in crying.

I felt like I’ve lost everything, what a loser, everyone had high hopes on me, how courageous, the one that broke out of the system and made it out of the rat race, the one that is living the dream in Bali, the one that said I don’t need a backup plan I’ll figure it out and ofcourse I’ll find a job…I’m soo good at what I do!

None of that was the case, I was the most miserable person alive in paradise, that private pool that I had? I swam in it once and i was soo sad that i couldn’t even get myself to stay in the water for longer than 10 minutes, I was literally in paradise yet I was noticing only the negative things, everyone messaging me, where are you? Why did you disappear, everyone wanting to know about my life, how come I’m no longer active on social media…WHERE AM I?

The truth is, I’m not a person that knows how to or like to lie, I don’t feel the need to make others envious of me, jealous of what I have achieved, and making them wish that they have my life…not at all! I was miserable, so showing you on my instagram how beautiful Bali is, would give you the idea of wow I’m living such an amazing life, when in reality…I’m in hell! My own mental hell!

And then the day comes and I talk to my sister and I breakdown in tears, she tells me what am I even doing there, they miss me like hell! The kids always asks about me, I can’t stop thinking about them…why am I even there if I’m that miserable??? She’s right…she’s absolutely right, but coming back to Dubai means I declared that I was defeated, that I lost!

But she didn’t care anyways (I’m thankful) she booked for me a ticket back without me knowing and shared it with me, I panicked ask her to cancel, turns out she cant cancel it (If i refuse to come it means she would lose $1k) so the maximum we can do is push it two more weeks from the date she initially had the return date, we did that..and I came back.

Coming back didn’t mean I was in a better mental place, no no I kept on spiraling to even worse places, it was hell! the hell was inside of me anyways, so no matter where you’d put me, it’d be the same outcome, the only difference is, I had people I love next to me, I was in a comfortable environment, I started eating better, maybe not every day but once every two days, my insane anxiety attacks that cause me to throw up started becoming less and less, waking up in terror mode was becoming less, so I was still suffering- but I was suffering less.

That period in my life, was crucial, it was insanely crucial for my spiritual and emotional growth, I had to have that horrible experience to be able to see life for what it’s truely is, to be able to see myself for who I truely am! To let go of attachment to anything materialistic, as I already didn’t have anything (gave it all before going to Bali as I said), to have that experience of [Ego death] is what for the first time in my life I can say, it healed me! I now no longer attach myself to a job, I lost one, I can get 10 others, someone treats me like shit, it hurts me but I stopped blaming myself for how they treat me, they treat me like shit because it’s a reflection of who they are, and they are too blind to see the goodness that I bring to their life, for the first time in my life I get my priorities straight.

And it took Moving to paradise, to go through hell…to find paradise within.

And the picture of the people I love the most, have finally found a place in my home in Dubai, and I glance at them every day when I’m drinking my morning coffee and listening to Fairuz… I’m beyond grateful🙏