The Illusion of Stability

New day, new generated excitement, new energy and new luck! trust me I was beyond lucky today and it hasn’t even passed 9 am.

I woke up and not only showered but washed my hair, and then after the half assed beyond bland hotel breakfast, I went down to walk and head to my Work spot and guess what happened, not above me but directly opposite side of me, like if I was walking not on the left but on the right side of the road (thamel roads are veryyyyy tight) I would have been showered again by the biggest Bird dump I have seen in my life!

Like I have never seen anything like it! the splash was soo loud I literally thought someone threw a bucket of water or something from up! I said holy shit (no pun intended as I can guarantee there isn’t anything holy abotu that shit)!! and everyone around me was looking exactly at that! the biggest dump in the land! and a wet one!

So…I felt like I’m the luckiest girl alive, because I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened had I chose to walk on the right side and not the left :)

And it got me to think about “Life choices” which is something I was actually contemplating about yesterday as I was watching all of these shaved heads Buddhist monks going in circle around The Boudha Stupa,
Those monks have made a choice at one point in their life, for whatever reason that may be….to leave it all and to dedicate their life to worship.

You may think its a cultural thing, maybe their families were on that path and they just followed along, which is true in some cases.

Did you know that the Vipassana 10 days silent meditation which is offered for free globally (operated by donations) there are so many that join it just so they can eat 3 meals a day for free! and I did meet a kid buddhist monk in Kopan monastery on the mountain in Kathmandu, and I asked my guide to ask him why did he become a monk (the kid didn’t speak english), and the boy said, his family sent him to become a monk because they couldn’t afford paying for his life expenses.

So, it is true that some people chose that path weather due life circumstances, family, society…etc. But there are others and those are the ones that I’m talking about here, which I have been seing them increasingly more and more on my path, especially in Nepal…where they don’t look eastern at all! matter of fact they are as white as it gets! full on westerners, women!!! who shaved their heads and became buddhist monks! Fascinating!

They were born into families that are as far from buddhism as possible, their culture is as far from “religion” as possible for the majority of them (even if they are christians and they attend sunday service, but they don’t actually practice or live by the religion teachings at all), they had friends who they used to go out to drink with, to party with, they had a job in an office somewhere or maybe any other work path…..and while everyone around them chose the stability of the known, they chose the thrill of the unknown.

Once in the deepest of my depression my sister told me to go with her to this session of activating your divine feminine something something, and my sister is even better in sales than I am, that woman can sell you anything!

So she sold it to me sooo good! that I actually paid and signed up, but an hour before the session panic set in! I didn’t want to go, I don’t want to meet anyone, especially not my sister friends, or anyone for that matter, i just can’t do it! I CAN’T DO IT!

I called my sister and said that, and she didn’t push me, as she knows I’m going through shit that maybe she never experienced herself but she understands where I come from, so she said okay if you are sure about it, as you wish.

But then as I stood there, half dressed half not, there’s a voice in me that said:
“If you don’t go then you already know the outcome, but if you do go…what if there’s a 1% chance that something different will happen”

So I actually went! and the session was shit! and I was super uncomfortable…well it’s not shit per se but like it’s everything that I don’t like, I don’t like this new age spirituality movement, I do believe that the ones that do it properly are very VERY rare, so that lady, even though I actually tried with her before the “Energy Washout” method becuase I’ve heard about it for so long, and it was for the first time in my life that I try something in that realm and I can see something tangible happening to me while I’m in the session, so she did have some legitamcy in my books, but 
those healers or whatever they call themselves, they go wrong when they commercialize it soo much that it loses its essence.

If I were here and I was gifted lets say, or if I learned the Energy washout method (which there’s a scientific paper about it) I would stick just to that! and help people with it as much as i can while i get paid (because its an energy exchange and shouldn’t be free), but I wouldnt start doing a loooong list of all that mumbo jumbo, divine feminine and past life readings and tarot and life coaching and reiki…yada yada.

So anyways while I didn’t enjoy not even 1 bit of that session, nor learned anything…but its the concept of choosing the path that may have another outcome, over choosing what I’m comfortable and familiar with.

I could’ve stayed on that weekend on my sofa my face burried deep into the pillows under my blanket like I was doing for a full on year, but then it’s guaranteed that nothing will ever change, not even getting a glimmer of hope! nothing!

You see society, our families, our friends and love partners majority of the time they are indoctrinated by school, religion, governments, to think and behave in a specific way, and no matter where we come from, what culture we live in, what part of the world whether east or west, the same indoctrination applies but it varies.

However we are taught from our early years in life to not think for ourselves but to listen to what others are telling us…
What mom thinks about this (then it must be true), what did is doing (is definitely right), what our aunties have chosen in their life (they are older so they definitely know better)…and then you get teachers at school that want to shape us all into one mold, and then you go to work and thats where really shit hits the fan, as you become a slave to the system not by choice!

No body told you even its a choice! its a path that you MUST WALK! YOU HAVE TO! if you don’t then you are such pathetic loser who is a disgrace to your parents, extended family, your friends and society.

And you find yourself in a cage, nothing feels right! everything inside of you is screaming this cannot be it! I don’t want this! what is this I’m feeling! what do you mean I need to sit here for 9 hours while I look outside of the window and I see life passes by me! what do you mean I need permission to do anything and everything! I have spent the first half of my life asking for my parents permission, and I thought when I’m an adult I don’t need any more permissions! Who are these strangers that are telling me yes and no! at least my mom and dad I can rebel and shout and talk them into saying yes..but here my entire lively hood depends on me accepting! accepting whatever they say, with no arugements and no defiance.

Welcome to the Adult life….it all goes downhill from here 🤝

And you start seeing your friends choosing guys for marriage, guys that you do like them as friends so they are not horrible humans, but you’d never imagine yourself sharing a life with any of them…so you question how did your friend choose this! for a life partner! is she sure??? like how can they be so sure when we are just starting life? we are in our early twenties….how are they so sure when I don’t even know what the fuck I’m choosing for lunch in the next few hours…how can they be so sure about a decision that big, and when I ask, I hear the answer:
“Stability”

And I nod and say….yeah..maybe! I just…can’t 😕

And then life start passing, and you get used to the cage, and you progress in it, and money starts flowing….but still deep inside of you, you feel as bad as you did on day one when you sat down on your desk for the first time.

I look at colleagues who been locked up for years and years more than you, and you ask….how did you do it? how can you do this for so many years…don’t you feel like I feel?
They answer:
“Stability”
I nod and say…yeah…maybe!but it just….feels wrong 😕

And you progress even further in the cage, and now its time for more bigger decisions, people around you your age are buying houses that they actually put on the down payment their entire savings, and they lock themselves up in monthly installments for the next 20 years, and they get the fanciest cars in the lands, and lock themsleves up in installments for 5 years…which means! they are hundred percent sure that they are choosing a life in a cage, maybe not in this same cage but another one, an upgraded one but still…a cage! else, how would they be able to afford the commitment they are making.

And when I ask, are you sure you want to do that? how do you know what you want to do in you life for the next 20 years?

They answer:
“Stability”

I nod…I say yeah..I guess…But I can’t 😕

Someone who I illogically loved in what I’d say easily consider the worst day in my life so far, said:
“I NEED STABILITY”

That time I didn’t nod…I did’t say yeah…I guess….

I actually tried to fight it to shout to convince other wise, but I knew….deep inside of me that I can’t give “stability”…I don’t have it.

But I kept on trying, because I said my love was illogical and I don’t say it in a way that I am not taking ownership of my actions but that one was really not within my control my feelings or my emotions.

And sometimes that incident does creep up on my mind and I wonder, what really did they mean when they said:
“I want stability”

Is it because I just got fired from my job? so I can’t provide the life of luxury that just few days ago I was speaking of?

Is it because I speak my mind, emotional, expressive and I say what I want whenever I feel it is not considered stable because we are indoctrinated to be emotionless, to have manners, to only say what you are allowed to say? what society says is allowed to be said.

Is it because I am willing to fight for what’s right even when it means I’m losing everything “stable” but I can’t lose myself…yeah for sure that means I don’t have stability…its impossible to have stability and not to compromise on your soul and true nature (in the modern world).

I guess that person was farsighted more than me…they saw that I don’t have stability for myself, so how I would be able to give it to anyone else?

The illusion of stability

Its been few years since that incident and today and yesterday I was thinking about “Stability” I was thinking how grateful I am that I didn’t have any home rentals or didn’t even own a car that when I wanted to leave I just packed up and left with no attachments.

I’m so grateful that I don’t have a “life” partner and I put that in quotation marks because many I know doesn’t but they have someone that exists in their life that limits them from choosing themselves, from doing what their heart actually desire, they all become molded into one mold and they lose their individuality, they lose their passions, their essence and then when you look at them 7–10 years down the line in their marriage they look lifeless and then they say:
“yeah…well! that’s life!”

Is it? are you sure? that’s life? or was it your choices of “stability” is what made your life look like that.

I’m so grateful that I never chose work no matter how much it paid, over fighting for whats right, I would have never forgave myself if I didn’t act the way I acted, and if time goes back and you ask me would you do it again? 
I’d say 100000%

I love having a home that I own, that I decorate every piece of it, that I build memories in it and it stays with me until the day I pass…but I don’t like doing so when it will paralyzes me financially just because “stability”

I love having a partner to share life with, I actually love “love”, and I know I’m very fun as a partner so it will not be boring nor dull any relationship I enter, but I am not willing to choose someone that fits the checkboxes if my soul doesn’t feel “that’s the one” just so I can seek “stability”, bruv I can’t! like you have no idea how much I love my personal space and my solitude time, that actually the idea of having someone that needs to be with me in life 24/7 gives me anxiety sooo bad!

So I need someone who also is looking for a life partner and not just someone to “complete each other” ya akhi don’t complete me and I don’t want to complete you…you can be you! and let me be me! and we’ll just share a life together, where both of our spaces and individuality is respected.

So in a nutshell, I am so grateful and relieved that I didn’t choose “stability” and without me actually knowing it, but I always trusted my gut feeling, even though I doubt it! quite alot! but I guess subconsciously no matter how much I deviated from my path…I, somehow still in my choices unconsciously, I chose what was good for “me” and not what’s good for “others”.

And I never had any justifiable answers to my actions, because no matter what I say its considered “wrong, frowned upon, weird, crazy, unhinged” whatever the fuck they called it and labeled me…..

But where I am now in life, and the peace that I feel…I couldn’t have done it if I wasn’t wrong, weird, crazy and hinged hahaha

So yeah…”Stability” is an illusion that I don’t want. I don’t want illusions I want what’s real.

And everything “real” comes in due time.

Peace out!