But That’s Your Fear Not Mine

I’m laying down on my sofa, contemplating how lazy I am…how much work is piling up above my head, and by work I mean wrapping up my Dubai life work, too much to pack, too much to ship, too much to sell…..and I’ve done ZERO.

I wonder if I’m too attached, or if its my comfort zone, like I look around me now and I see how pretty my apartment is, and I love every single bit of it, its soo homey and soo cozy and probably thats why Im lazy (or thats what i like to tell myself),

But like I knew that this day will come, and to be fair no one is rushing me to leave, i can still end of may as I do have rent paid till then, but also I’m tooo bored to stay! The itch for an adventure is too much to ignore, and also stay for what? For the uncertainty? For the what ifs? For what?

And I can’t believe I’m wrapping up my life to leave again in less than 3 years than the Bali incident 😭 when I came back, I said never again! Only for the idea to start creeping up the moment I was comfortable again…but you see the title of this article is:

That’s your fear not mine

And because its not my fear to lose it all…maybe that was a fear before, but I actually lived it! I did lose it all on all aspects in my life, mentally romantically financially psychologically…all of it! I did lose it all, and I don’t say that in an exaggerated way, no…I actually did.

So seeing that I’ve lived already the worst outcome, it made me realise…that life keeps on going on, no matter what! And even when I wanted it to end, it didn’t!

So the worst thing that can happen, turns out, while it was horrendous! But it wasn’t as bad, like…I did have the resilience to survive it, so what to fear?

Also luckily, I don’t know if subconsciously or it was god plans but somehow everything in my life wrapped up in a way that it made me have as minimal attachments as possible to my life here.

Work? All bridges burn, I burnt them intentionally to never again no matter what, bow my head down and go slave for the unworthy.

Friends? Bruv….I don’t have words to even explain what I saw from those I called “friends” no no even better the “besties” hahah! Fam! The idea of those humans actually triggers my nausea, thats how much I’m disgusted from them.

But i am still blessed to have many that I love so much, but i’m not too attached to them, and never was…so we’re good to go.

Family? Yeah that one is tough but I will try my best that in around every 2–3 months I’d come spend some proper time with them inshallah.

Relationship? Luckily…I don’t have someone in my life worthy for me to stay for, and I’m so thankful for that, else I know how I am, and I know that i’d have changed everything to compensate for my partner…well 🤷🏽‍♀️ no partner to worry about, innit?

Bottomline, all of the fears that people fear due to a job that they have progressed so much in to lose, or a salary that they can’t afford to lose, or a relationship that you need to take them into consideration.

I don’t own a house, my car is a rental which I can give back any day, and I’m free! Free from all the burdens and liabilities and connections.

So what would I fear? Like what is the worst thing that can happen? A Bali 2.0? Well this time I prepared myself hahaha I am telling people that I just need a break and I’ll be back in a few months, that way! If I do, then its business as usual 🤣 unlike last time when I said my goodbyes as If I’ll not see them in 10 years.

So yeah…I dont have any fears at the moment but I know the day I see my apartment empty I’ll cry, but I always cry so what’s new? Sometimes I tear up on stupid shit that I see while scrolling and even I roll my eyes like:

“Ughh not a again woman! Hold those tears in!” Hehe…eh what to do? I’m a sensitiveeee person!

So its okay, and first few days or a week abroad might be hell, and thats okay too.

I mean I’ve already done this when I was 20 and moved to Malaysia alone, and then I’ve done it again at 30 and moved to Indonesia, so like I know how this feels, I know the drill, I know the getting out of comfort zone shenanigans…I know it.

But still, I can’t stop procrastinating and not getting my bum up to pack and ship and sell.

Man…I should have done this when mom was here, how stupid I am.

Bro last time mom came over and saw my laundry, I swear to god not exaggerating, she did over 6 or 7 (sixxxx seveeeeeen🤲 ) rounds of laundry over 2 days just for us to see the bottom of my basket! How on earth is that even possible I don’t know…I just really dislike laundry and hanging to dry and packing them up….no no no no, thats not a task I’d like to be doing.

So packing feels like that 😭 anyways look at me, writing about what I should do instead of actually doing it….yeah because I’m procrastinating didnt I just say that? Tsk.

Speaking of fear, people tell me:

You’re fearless

And I’m actually not fearless at all! My heartbeats like crazy and sometimes my knee buckles (if i’m doing some extreme sport or high altitude thing) but…I never let it stop me, so I always say:

“Feel the fear and do it anyways”

Because we are only humans, and our systems are built to protect us, and thats why we have a

“Fight or flight” mode, so its illogical for someone to be “fearless” because that means there’s actually an issue in their nervous system, as you need to fear the unknown, you need to fear the dangers of the world, you need to fear the consequences that may happen from that walking red flags person…..

But you do it anyways hahaha!

Well…at least I do! And it has been hella fun! So I advise you my childs to follow on my footsteps.

God bless 🤣

Yalla peace out! (Not because god forbid I’ll go do anything useful…no! I’ll go waste time 🤝)