The Survival Raft & The Contingency plan
You know when you haven’t met a friend for a very long time that when you plan to meet again you’d be anxious about it, because you wouldn’t know from where to start the conversation, what life updates you should give, do you even still get along?…well this is how writing again feels like.
Probably my writing skills are rusty, but did I even have any skill to start with? Or was it just the act of blurting out all of my thoughts and feelings out for the world to read (by world I mean those 5 of you humans😂).
So, where do I begin?
In a typical Lin fashion, the last year nothing went as planned, but did it ever?
Did I actually ever plan ahead for something and I see it happen? honestly I don’t think so 🤷🏻♀️ so thats why I started with “in a typical Lin fashion” because nothing ever goes as planned, and probably if it did! I’d panic because I’m so unaccustomed to that!
But somehow, whatever ends up happening always turns out to be way better than the original plan that I had, but amidst the storm I never manage to have the clarity to remember that fact, and it always feels like, life is ending…but how many times life has ended already for me in the past only for it to turn out to be a new beginning.
Maybe for a new chapter of life to start, the previous one must completely end, but why does it always have to end in such a dramatic way? Why can’t the chapter for once be one of those boring ones where you just flip to the next one without even noticing that the chapter actually ended?
I don’t know man, I don’t have the answer to that.
So let’s reflect on the time passed while I was MIA.
I’ve learned that:“nothing changes if nothing changes”sounds basic right? Well…no!
Because when you’re going through a storm, the last thing you want to do is improvise! You hold so tight to that broken life raft which is already used and abused in so many storms before and pray that you’ll survive yet again one more time, but that raft is no longer as strong as it used to be, as with every storm that passed, a piece of it got broken, holes got drilled in it and the chances of survival using it became less and less over time.
But what I always used to do is, wait for a storm to take place for me to do damage control and try to hold on for my dear life, but seeing the state of my raft, if I do this one more time, I think drowning will be imminent.
So thats where “nothing changes if nothing changes” comes into place, it’s the contingency plan!
To survive any storm, the core structure of the raft should be in a strong condition, and the core structure for each one of us is different.
Family = the people you show the worst version of you and yet they always stay.
I reflected on all the storms that passed before and I realized my sister was always there! Even though I never tell her in advance what shit I’m going through in my life that will lead me into yet another storm, but I always end up finding her patching up my life raft with me while I fight for my own survival.
My gratitude for her runs so deep! We both show each other the worst versions of ourselves every time we fight, but we always end up being there for each other, maybe she shows up for me even more than I do for her, but hey! That’s what big sisters are for no?
I don’t know why there’s this misconception that sisters must be best friends, I mean you come to this world with this person assigned to you not by choice, so why would you get along by default?
Me and her we have barely anything in common, we don’t share any interests, like literally none! our idea of fun is so different, our choice of friends are so different! our ambitions and aspirations are so different! Even our looks! I wish I can have a dollar for every time someone new comes to my life and came to know after a while what my sister looks like only to get shocked!!! Double checking if we are actually sisters sister or cousin sisters haha!
The only thing I can think of, that is indeed weirdly in common between us, is how much we both love yogurt!
But why do we need to be best friends? I mean if you are sisters and best friends then brilliant! But if not, then thats more than fine! We have our entire life to go meet new friends that become best friends and fill that role for us, siblings shouldn’t be the default option.
But my sister is my rock! She’s the one I count on to be there in every storm, where she forces me to let her in, and after much resistance , I give in because I actually need her.
She’s the one that we have the biggest fights and come back to talk again giving each other attitude but without ever expecting an apology, she’s the one that we don’t approve each others life choices and yet we completely understand it!
So I came to the realization that, having my sister close to me is important for my survival, so I would always choose to live in the same city as her, if she moves somewhere else, I think eventually I’d consider moving there too! And I’d think twice before ever making the stupid choice of moving somewhere else and leave her.
But I won’t tell her that, because I don’t want her to send me a screenshot of this, next time I message the family group saying “ Yooo peeps! Guess what! I’ve done enough thinking and I’ve decided I’m moving to Bali…AGAIN!” only to call my sister from there bawling my eyes out telling her how much I regret that choice and that I want to come back 😭
So yeah, next time I come up with such a shitty life altering plan, I think I’d always weigh my options based on, would it be worth it not being close to my family? And the answer will be probably not, so maybe instead of selling all of my belongings and doing final round of goodbyes as if I’m not gonna come back for 10 years, I think its wise to just take a long vacation, go there, enjoy life and then just come back home where I actually belong.
Friends = the ones that you disappear for months at a time on them, only to come back and they take you with open arms accepting you with all of your faults and shortcomings.
A close friend of mine told me, the next time you go through a storm stop shutting all of us out, reach out! Let me come sit with you, even in silence, just let me be there for you.
And I think that would be crucial for the next storm…the thing is, I don’t know how to not shut them out, even though they give me so much grace, even though they reach out again and again reminding me that they miss me, that they care, that they just want me to be okay, and they keep on doing that, even when I don’t respond sometimes for days, sometimes for months…they would yet be the ones reaching out again.
Gosh I wish I was a better friend to them, like they are to me! I wish I can be with them in their storms like they are in mine! But unfortunately my storms were waay more shattering then theirs or maybe they just have a better equipped raft because they had a contingency plan in place and I didn’t!
So I always ended up finding my self way too overwhelmed fighting through my own storm, to have the capacity to help in theirs.
You know, when my storm started settling I reached out to each one of them, wanting to see them again, and for the prick that I was, the minimum I deserve would be them giving me attitude, some coldness or even some tough love or at least leaving my messages on read for a while, like I did! but they didn’t do that!
They literally opened their arms wide open to give me the squishiest hug that god knows how much I needed.
I actually told them, I don’t deserve you! Because I genuinely feel like I don’t!
One of them we actually just became friends last year, she met me literally for a very short time pre-storm, not even enough time to understand my struggles, my personality, my challenges, my worst side…why on earth would she be there for me during the storm? I honestly don’t know! It’s baffling actually! Why on EARTH would she choose to give me such love, time and energy when she didn’t even get the chance to see the goodness in me!
I don’t know, I think she’s just a really good human and I lucked out! And I love her, even though I always make it awkward when I tell her how much I love and appreciate her!
Even though she named me on her phone “Lin My New Bestfriend” from the very first time we met, and I kept on reminding her that she’s just an acquaintance that I met during a retreat, so she needs to chill out😂 but…she declared me as a best friend and I kind of had no option but to give in!
But god how thankful I am for her! For her craziness, her hysterical laughs in public that make everyone turn their heads to our direction when she does it so unapologetically!
For her capacity to hold a full conversation with me on her own, dumping on me all kind of stories from her past, present & future while I just sit there and listen, entertained without needing to feel pressure that I need to pitch in.
For her patience with me, for not giving up on checking up on me…I’m really thankful.
For my brother, who I always called him my best friend but realized over the years that he’s not my best friend, he’s my brother! Because he’s the one that sees the worst of me like my sister does, and he never budges, I release all of my anger on him even when it wasn’t really his fault and he forgives me before I even apologize.
I disappear for months and months on him, only to reach out to him and he acts like it never happened, he’s the one that I realised is also crucial for my survival, he’s the only one I’m comfortable asking for financial help from when all of my shitty life choices backfires on me, he provides before I ask, he listens and doesn’t judge, he’s always available for me to go bawl my eyes out on his sofa, only for him to give me all the support I need in the world without asking or expecting anything from me in return.
And lastly the one that told me, let me be there in the next storm, don’t shut me out…I want you to know that as silly as most of our conversations are, and how we deal with our traumas with sarcasm because probably thats our only coping mechanism.
I want you to know that you are the voice of wisdom that helped me through many things in my life without you even knowing.
You always gave me the chance to see things from a different perspective that I never thought of, you helped me understand that friendships doesn’t have to be transactional, I give you this so I take that.
You showed me that sometimes its okay to take take take, because a phase might come where you give give give without any taking.
I promise you in the next storm I’ll let you come in, and I’ll be there in yours too…not because I have to! But because I want to!
Because cracking our silly jokes and having our free therapy sessions where the blind leads the blind actually do help!😂
Guys, the word grateful is not enough, but I’m genuinely so grateful that you exist! I’m so grateful that you chose me and accepted me even when I never gave you any reason to!
I love you so much, you are crucial to my survival and I pray that one day I can be as good of a friend to you, as you are to me 🙏
Money = the root of all evil…but is it?
I’ve learned the hard way that money is energy! and if you keep on wasting that energy, you’ll end up in a lack! Just like anything in life.
What I was doing wrong is, I think I never respected or was grateful for the money that god blessed me with, so I had to learn again what it’s like not having it at all.
Ever since I started working after university, I was blessed to be in a place that always compensated me very well, always getting promoted that I reached a place where I forgot what it feels like being financially stressed, and while that is amazing, but I think I didn’t realize how much of a privilege that was…so I ended up taking it for granted!
I thought I was invincible in a way that NOOO WAY I’d go back to not having any money, because how could someone like me with my skills and brain ever experience such a thing! IMPOSSIBLE!
LOL! man plans god laughs!
Safe to say that with enough bad choices in life, I burnt it all like it never existed.
I’ve learned that, what I thought was good actions, turned out to be what drove me back to point zero.
I’ve always given so much to whomever I thought needed, always thinking that they need it more than me! Oh no no for sure they need it than me! Oh I made extra money this month…yeah let me give it to X they need it more than me!
Saved few K’s? Yeah well someone seems in really bad position and they need it more than me so let me give it to them, because I can easily make more.
And while you may think! Wow such amazing generosity! WRONG! Thats not being generous, that’s being stupid and irresponsible!
Because I kept telling the universe, they need it more than me over and over again, that the universe listened! And I ended up without it, because I don’t need it!
So how can I change that for the next storm? Well first of all, I learned the hard way, that I won’t be able to help anyone if I can’t help myself, and while giving is good and it’s important, but I should never give to the point that I end up the one needing.
And also, I need to be more logic driven than emotional driven when it comes to this aspect, because emotions doesn’t pay my bills, so establishing a sense of financial security is so important for the upcoming chapter in my life to survive the next storm, and while it was a tough lesson to learn, but I like to think that I learned it.
Turns out you can actually survive life without Amazon boxes of useless inventions piling up on your door step everyday! Who knew!
I can’t even remember the last time I bought something I didn’t really need, and if you know me, you know that this is a drastic change!
And even though this means there are high chances that Amazon might close their financial year in a loss! But I think Jeff Bezos will be fine, so I don’t have any guilt about that.
Oh hold that thought, I kind of just remembered that I literally just bought like 8 plants of different herbs few days ago, because Pinterest convinced me that I need to become a herbalist!
Umm…well but in my defense! It really has been a long long time since I splurged on useless shit, and if anything then this one, It’s an investment in my own health haha.
So yeah back to the point, as bored as I get when people talk about saving a % of your salary for the future is crucial, but I actually started listening!
Because how many times do I need to go throw everything I own on some shit coin in crypto thinking its the next big thing only to see that chart dumps to zero along with it my life savings, to learn that this is actually gambling and not a solid investment option?
Well…I don’t know, but I’d like to think that I stopped doing that (cue to the next Elon Musk tweet that pumps a shit coin and I say shut up and take my money *and they actually do😭)
Dreams/Aspirations/Goals = the things that keeps my fire ignited even if sometimes it gets very dimmed.
Okay am I delusional most of the times about what I think I’ll be achieving in life? Yes.
Do I still think I’ll be a Billionaire? Yes.
Is there any logical signs that this will happen anytime soon? No.
But that’s who I am! I’m a dreamer! So why change it? Why being delusional is such a bad thing? Reality is so cruel as it is, so what if I have that tiny space where I can escape to my land of “what ifs”
I’ll never change that, I’ll never stop myself from dreaming, I’ll never tell my crazy ideas to shush! Even when nothing is tangible, even when I say I’ll become a billionaire, while I don’t even have anything in my bank account to prove that I’m on that path.
But it will happen!
But the raft cannot survive on dreams and delusions, so a stable income is a must! Even though it feels like I’m reporting to jail every day, even though it makes me question daily the purpose of my existence and why did humans go from hunters and gatherers to corporate minions…like seriously where did we all go wrong?
Because I honestly believe I’d feel more fulfilled chasing a deer in the jungle, over circling back to emails that hope they find me well because I’m really not!😭
So yeah, I shall survive yet another water cooler conversation, yet another networking event, yet another pizza as a reward for all our sweat and tears.
I shall nod in agreement to yet another stupid idea, cheer to yet another below average milestone, stare blankly at my screen to develop the skill of “acting busy” for the hours to pass until my release.
Until then, corporations can strip away my time, youth and the will to live, but they can never take away my fire, because it started before them….waay before them.
I learned the hard way…out there its survival of the fittest!
Where my honesty & integrity which I believe were god’s greatest gift to me, belongs to the bin in the corporate world, and it’s a hindrance to my growth and progress in this messed up world.
So, until I’m in a position to make the rules, I shall follow them.
Now to wrap this up, am I back to writing? I don’t know! If I feel like it, I’d do it and if not, then not.
But what will be different is, I won’t be posting this across my socials any more, because why would I?
Maybe when I did that, it was because it had the element of novelty! I was shocked with myself that I can actually write! So I wanted to show the world my hidden talent to get their claps and cheers!
But this time it’s different, I’m not writing to impress, I’m writing to de-stress.
So if anyone stumbles across this by chance, then you’re a one lucky little champ! And if not, then I already feel way better than when I started typing the first word.
So…mission accomplished.
