Would You Choose Living With The Regret of Doing or Not Doing?
Yes I know two articles per day what’s going on in here Leeeeeeenooooo???
Well I woke up sick, and it’s very rare for me to get sick (Flu, sore throat, body aches the whole shabang)..shhh! no body tells my ex-boss because then I’ll confirm that what he thought was a lie is actually is indeed a lie to WFH, Teehee.
So I’ve been just sleeping and waking up wrecked, drinking hot stuff, you hot stuff! and I have my creative juices flowing, and alot that needs to be released to the world, because what would those 5 readers who are dropping to 2 do with their life if they don’t hear my rants? I can’t do that to them can I?
So the idea of “Regrets” and “What ifs” has been bugging my brain for the last few days, and I do what I do best during my blessed early morning hours, which today they started at 1:30 AM 😭 so I lived an entire lifetime by the time it became 7 am and the world started waking up.
So “ What ifs”, somehow ever since I was young I made an unconcious decision that I always want to live with the regret of doing over not doing, and I remember exactly a Facebook post that I shared over 15 years ago and if I wasn’t now locked out of my facebook account like a grandma because I can’t figure out how to access it! then I would have showed you, but just take my word for it okay, when did I ever lie? I mean except that I’m sick to WFH, but I was actually sick!!! sick of social interaction! but can I say that to my manager without being fired? No! so of course I need to add physical symptoms to the mix.
So ever since I was young I decided, I want to do the action and regret it over not doing it and knowing my personality I’ll be regretting it ten folds, so I always had the approach of “Fuck it! what if I don’t live till tomorrow!” and honestly I know that sounds like Cliche as people preach that, but do they actually do it? I know I do it! well not for every single thing thankfully as if I did, I’d probably not be alive to write this now.
But anyways I always said I’m sorry to not drag a fight even though I’d be hurting but I know that I loved the person infront of me and I didn’t want to live with the 1% chance that they’d not be here tomorrow, so why would I let them go without me telling them that yes we are fighting but I love you! and I did that with all of my friends, maybe at a younger age I wouldn’t express my love as much as I had issues expressing emotions but still I’d always apologize at least, I never had the ego that stops people from saying sorry, even alot of us feel it! like you know you want to say sorry because you are truely apologetic but you choose to be quiet because “ego” tells you no no why would do that, don’t say sorry, show them that you don’t care.
Okay, you showed them that you didn’t care, and they died tomorrow, who’s the one that will be impacted? them? they are gone already! but you…Ooooofff!! it’ll eat you alive.
What if my childhood wasn’t a cold one where mom, sister and I were each in their own lives with minimum interaction? while the opposite would’ve definitely been nice, but this loneliness is actually why I became a tech nerd! I fell in love with my computer and the Dial up connection to the internet that my heart still skips a beat when I hear the sound of the connection till this day hahaha, such a vibe! but yeah that became my world! and thats why I’m really good in English! there was no enough content in Arabic and I was so curious to know anything and everything! so it was my window the world and I taught myself English.
BTW I was so good in English even before living abroad, actually for my baccalaureate in Syria which is the exam that decides your future as the university major is based on the score, for the “English” subject I didn’t sign up for classes unlike all my other friends, and to be honest its such a big risk! but I just got it! like I’m not good at grammar so I don’t know anything, but I can listen to a sentence and decide what makes sense and based on that answer, and I got 29/30! :)
As for the tech nerdiness, man it opened so many doors for me, it ignited my fire, and it will be the reason why I’ll become a Billionaire.
But also what if My mom and dad weren’t my mom and dad? If mom wasn’t my mom (which for the majority of my life I loved her but I didn’t like her AT ALL) I wouldn’t be who I am! like not even one bit! the strength thats in me, the warrior that’s within! the power to bring down the biggest heads in the world, it’s all mom! she’s exactly that!
And what if Dad wasn’t my dad, how else I’d learn to think for myself, how else I’d question religion, life, politics, the world around me? how else I’d get the chance to travel abroad without being forced into marriage like the rest of my friends, he’s the reason for my curiosity, my deep thinking and my obsession with conspiracy theories! because he’s all about that! but at least I do proper research and form opinions, but dad now just relys on Whatsapp fake videos that sell a specific agenda, and he sends it on the group to trigger me, so I can go do research and prove that is wrong, as its not enough for me to say “It’s fake dad!” no I need to provide proof and resources because its not like I have anything else in life to do! hahahah but to be fair I learn alot doing that.
And what if my sister wasn’t my sister, who we never got along, who else will bring me to Dubai, give me her house fully furnished with everything so I can survive on my low salary, who will step in to save me whenever shit hits the fan and I never tell her or give headsup, no I wait until like I’m on my last breath and then booom smack her with all the shit thats going on all at once, and she always responds in such a calm manner:
“So what? is that’s what you are worried about, it’s fine we will do this…xyz” and she either gives me the money, do the action, change my mind, connect me to someone, but she always do something! she was always the one that saved me, and last week I realised also all of my spiritual transformations that happaned to me, it was through her! though people that came to her life that she linked me to, and those who know about that realm, know that this is such a big deal!
What if I didn’t switch schools every year and pick up my friends with me from one school to go to the next one, how else I’d have that big group of wonderful humans that my survival at that phase in my life was dependant on them.
What if I didn’t come back from Turkey after begging to get that scholarship, only to go there with my parents and decide “I ain’t staying in a dorm with a minimum of 7 people”, If I chose to stay in Turkey I’d have studied “IT” not marketing as I’ve told you I was obsessed with technology.
What if my bestfriend at a time didn’t mention that there’s a university in Malaysia that’s giving 50% scholarship to all war torn countries and that she is convincing her parents to go, which got me to do the same and I went to Malaysia to continue my studies, if I stayed and graduated from Syria, I’d have been sent to do my masters in Europe just like my parents did for my sister.
What if I actually didn’t break up with the guy that not only I loved but also my parents did too! As he was the perfect husband material, but I knew it wasn’t the life that I wanted, if I didn’t do that, I’d be the one now in his pictures with his cute wife and kid (god bless) but I’d be so unhappy and unfulfilled if that was me.
What if that guy didn’t fall in love with me, that made me break up with my bestfriend as they then “fell in love” with each other and It became super uncomfortable for me, I’d have stayed in Cyberjaya the village where nothing exciting happens, but we had a fight and I followed my dreams to move to Kuala Lumpur and dream to at least to get a chance at something different than the life I always knew.
What if while I’m at the university, Google team didn’t come to do for us the 2 days Google ads course, and that was my intro to digital marekting and I was like Aha! sounds like something I’d love doing, many of my friends didn’t attend, but I chose to do and I loved it! and decided that post graduation thats the field I’d like to work in
What if my sister and close friends weren’t living in Dubai, I wouldn’t have ended up here, but also what if my mom didn’t pass my CV to her friend who passed it to another colleague and that colleague to another colleague and it reached the agency where I worked.
What if I didn’t have that interview with Basma the woman who was the reason to all of my growth in my career and also I’ve learned alot about the leadership style that I like to lead with because of her.
But Also what if they didn’t follow their gut and give me the job, even though they were at final stage with another candidate and they did the interview with me just out of curtsey for the person who shared my CV as she was an ex-employee there, but they felt I’m the one that should be hired and I got hired, if that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have met Ammar who we’re now almost 10 years into our friendship and I can’t imagine my life without him!
And what if I didn’t reach a point where I felt I’m suffocating that not enough money or promotions would make me stay, that I’ve quit and moved to Bali, if I didn’t go to Bali it would have always been a dream inside of me that life there is the life that I want to live, but I went there and it turned out to be everything that I don’t want it to be! and it made me realise how much I love my life in Dubai and the closeness of my family and friends.
What if I didn’t get that job at the Fintech place, even though it was a short month and got fired, but it was destiny, I needed to be there, I needed to go through that experience and yes even though it triggered after it around a year and half of absolute devastation, but I needed this! I needed this awakening, I needed to face more fears that I was running away from, I needed to have the hard conversations with myself.
What if I didn’t go to that retreat and meet the craziest girl in the land, who she brings me so much joy and now her messages memes, unnecessary video messages? 1000’s of unnecessary voice notes that drives me mad, but became an important part of my daily life (#shlox)
What if I didn’t reach a point of having zero money in my bank account that the next month rent I didn’t have it? I would have literally be forced to move back to Syria which I cannot imagine a worst nightmare than that, may it never happen ever in my life time, all the respect to that place, but it’s not my home and I don’t want go go there unless for short visits.
What If I didn’t get the job at the most corporate place of all times (I applied in January — February was my rent due and I didn’t have it), and have to work in conditions that if you’d ever tell me I’d work in such a place Id die laughing, as in no way in hell! are you crazy! YUP! but that if anything taught me resilience, it built my strength, I learned politics, I learned patience, I learned how to be quiet, I learned how to survive in the most disgusting environment, that now you can literally throw me in any company culture and I’d be thriving, because I’ve already been through the worst.
What if that woman didn’t trigger me so i snap and resign, the big bosses didn’t want me to resign but its always an ego game, where it would kill them to say “stay don’t go” instead the approach would be “ Lin you are self sabotaging, think about it” and I said, you know what yeah maybe I’m self sabotaging but every time on the surface it appeared like “self sabotage” it always ended up being the exact thing that I should have done to shift me to the next step.
What if that close friend of mine who few days ago I’d have literally given my kidney to if she needed it, only to see a side of her that shocked me, I saw hate, resentment, jealousy and absolutely unexplainable things! but I’m so glad it happened in this horrible way that it happened, because I know FOR SURE and 100% this now this chapter the 2026 onwards, it will be everything I’ve ever dreamt of, Inshallah, and she doesn’t deserve to be in this chapter, so god had to cut her off in one Chop… and I’m very relived.
What if on 30th of November, my sister didn’t send me that one sentence on Whatsapp that made me open up to her in ways I’ve dreamt we would be able to talk like that, I’ve been carrying a burden for so long that it was unnecessary because I always knew my sister would love me and support me no matter what, so it was so easy to release that burden and I’ve seen nothing but love and support and everything that I’ve ever wished for, which would be crucial for the next phase in life.
But what if on that same day 30th of November, I didn’t have that strong energetically push that something will happen and I knew exactly what would happen, and it did! and I looked back and saw something that I don’t know if its an illusion, if my mind is making things up or was it real?! but I looked twice and it felt real so like how fucked up my brain is to make it look so real! now here was the first time in my life that I didn’t say “Fuck it let me do it” I just looked away because If it was an illusion then shit my brain is really fried! and if its not an illusion then what can I do about it? I don’t know…like do I want to do anything about it? I don’t know..
It didn’t feel like it’s an action that I should take, so I just let myself for the first time ever to live with “what if” the what if not knowing and its been bugging my brain soooo much!!!!! but why do I always need to be the one not living with “What ifs” why the rest of humanity need to wait for me to take action, I don’t want to do that anymore!
and I know that the paragraph above was cryptic but it’s more for me than it’s for you, as sometimes I read my stories after a long time and I like to document things, so just read along bruv.
What if I didn’t write this article and the part about Nepal reignited my passion for travel, as I haven’t travelled since August 2024 (and for me that is insanity, as I used to travel alot) but just writing those memories made me want to say fuck it! I’m going again, only to go search and find an ashram who they are looking for a digital marketer to help with digital stuff and in return I’ll get my own room, 3 meals and i’ll get to meditate twice, hike in nature and just have the break that my soul really needs after such a hard year, so yeahh babbyyyyyyy December will be LIT! and I also I didn’t want to do yet another house party for NYE, so this time it’ll be different, it’ll set up for a great start for 2026, as it should be, because IT’LL BE MY YEAR!
And also what if I never tried and failed in all of those projects, ideas and businesses that never saw the light, I wouldn’t be here today for the first time ever in my life feeling that it’s time for me to action on my Billion dollar idea, and I know its my destiny, I had it in my for 6 years now, 6 years and no human ever did it! and there’s 8 billion people alive! but it’s my destiny I always knew, but the time was never right, this time is different, because I’m no longer looking for partners to help me, no longer needing funds, I’ve done so many things over the years that I built all the skills I need to build it all alone, and that will be one epic success story.
And I’ll be “The First Syrian Self Made Billionaire Woman” and I don’t care about evil eye and jinxing because if god is with me, so it doesn’t matter who’s against me, so I’ll put it out to the world because it’s time and it’s my destiny and it’ll happen and thats all I know.
Bottom line, I’m so glad I’ve always lived like tomorrow may never come, I loved with all of my heart, I cried with all of my heart, I apologized, I met people, I’ve lost people, I moved abroad, I came back, I tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed, I’ve had heartbreaks, I’ve had alooooooooot of depressed days, I wanted to give up so many times, I sent messages that were never responded to,I felt ashamed so many times of who I am, I’ve failed myself way too many times…but if it wasn’t for all of the above, I wouldn’t be here today, and that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t let my fear of “what if” take over, I was in control and while it was hella of a ride! but what a beautiful ride it has been.
And I’m grateful beyond imagination to the divine for always keeping a little hope, a little light, a little “what if” that kept pushing me forward.
🙏الحمدلله دائما و ابدا
