A Broken Vase, A Cracked Vase & A Glue
Haha! man I’m laughing even before I start writing this story because I know what’s gonna come out, I know that there are sooooo many people that keep on pestering me! Why are you single? Why you’re not married? How come tho? like there’s nothing wrong with you (umm…who told you that?)…sigh.
Ok relationships is a topic that gets brought up in literally almost every outing, every friends gathering, every time you catchup with someone after a long time and they ask, so….anyone new?
And I personally always engage in those convos even though I’m the least experienced and yet the one who preaches the most!
You know that saying:
“Those who can’t do, teach” well in my case “Those who can’t do, preach!”
So lets roll back to I think around 2018, when I had a nervous breakdown at work, that was the first time I acknowledged that there’s actually something wrong with me! and that I need professional help, so I looked up a random Psychologist clinic that had high ratings on Google and I booked an appointment.
First thing they did, they gave me an ipad with a quiz on it that i need to do so they asses my case, i did it and apparently the result came back as :
“Severe Depression & Anxiety Disorder” okay…I actually never looked into those before that day, because I knew there was something wrong with me, Like I had sirens blasting in my head that there’s something insanely wrong going on with your system…HELP HELP HELP!! but I was too ignorant to acknowledge it so I literally made myself reach the breaking point of a “Nervous breakdown” which absolutely distroyed me for one full month!
I have fully lost the capacity to read, write, even look at my phone! it was insanely overwhelming to do any basic task! driving! I lost it crying while a friend was next to me and I was driving as suddenly my brain couldn’t comprehend where is the direction which the cars around me are going, I suddenly found myself lost and I started shouting and the poor guy he was probably scared for his life! and I just parked and broke down in tears…yeah man! it was BAD! and honestly it was so unnecessary! had I acknolwedge the symptoms that were going on for soo long! I wouldn’t have reached here.
Anyways that led me to the Psychologist clinic, did the test and I entered to see the doctor, the lady was a Therapist not a Psychologist (so basically she was someone who cannot prescribe medication I didn’t even know that I needed medication.
She tells me yeah tell me whats going on, and me as a person who suffers in silence, a person who up until the point of breaking down no one of my closest friends who see me every day even know that I was suffering! like they were actually shocked how the fuck the person who is the funniest, loudest, most sarcastic in the office..is the one who the next day literally break down mentally in the worst way possible.
But I was just too good at masking! I’m still too good at it! I literally just survived 9 months at a corporate where I barely even spoke to anyone (so unlike my nature) where I did the bare minmum (also so unlike my nature) everything was so unlike my nature, but none of them would know because I’m so good at masking who I truly am! so yeah for them I’m Lin who’s an introvert who probably doesn’t have anything intersting to say as she barely engages in any conversations, and someone who is mediocre at their job :)
Those who know me, would know how hilarious those statements are, as it couldn’t be farther from the truth! but this is just to show you..how good I am at masking! like i can literally be on the verge of breaking down and I’ll just look at you and smile :) and go back home and collapse.
So anyways back to the therapist, shockingly I didn’t find it hard to speak about whats wrong, I didn’t know whats wrong exactly but I listed down everything that I was feeling both physically and mentally and she started asking me questions, childhood, family, friends, work…and relationships:
-So Lin is there anyone in your life?
No
-How long you’ve been single for?
7 years
And she was shocked, I can see it on her face, at that age I was 25 years old, why would a 25 years old who is cute looking, can speak, not missing any arm or leg, would spend her early twenties where the normal humans would be going wild….alone!
There’s definitely something wrong!!
So she started jotting down rapidly on her notebook, and moved to the next question, and from only 1 hour conversation she decided that I actually need medication (horrible doctor*) but she’s not a psychiatrist so she referred me to her colleague in the same clinic which I got another appointment with.
I go to the Psychatrist on another day, expecting that she would already be briefed on my case, as why did I waste 1 hour with the other doctor but clearly this place is so unprofessional (maybe those google reviews are bought) that she tells me:
Yeah tell me whats going on..? and I said huh? did the other doctor brief you about my case?
She said yeah top level but she rather hear it from me.
Ok I repeated what I can repeat and the doctor again within that very short hour decided I need to be given Prozac (Horrible doctor number 2).
And I don’t remember the conversation that went on but I remember the she told me that she goes smoke shisha at a place that I also go to, and she was joking and talking while my entire world was collapsing.
She said:
Okay Lin so I’ll prescribe you with Prozac, it’s not a strong medication and we will start with lower dosage, it barely have any side effects, so you have nothing to worry about, maybe you’ll experience low libido (no interest in sexual stuff) and when she said it I actually laughed and said Doc…that’s the least of my concerns! just get me out of my misery!
So I go out of that clinic and immediately take the first pill and you might call me ignorant, I was… but I was just so desperate for a solution! anything! I can’t take the mental and physical pain that I was going through, and I also told her that I’m planning to go to Nepal ALONE for the first time ever travelling solo but I’m so suffocated here I just need to go anywhere!
She says:
“Umm…yeah…It’s not really the best to go travel when you just started being medicated as it needs to be monitored, but anyways since you’re just going for 2 weeks it should be fine, we’ll schedule a meeting when you’re back, enjoy your trip”
Popped the first pill — lo and behold….the placebo takes place! I feel I’m better the second day (the pill takes time to work in my system actually from my extensive research I remember it needs around two weeks to start showing improvement so what i was feeling was placebo *it’s all in my head).
My sister told my parents what was going on with me, and for some reason when I broke down and the pandora box was opened, it somehow all was linked to my Mom! I felt like I can’t deal with her she’s the reason for everything! she’s the reason why I’m suffering..etc (P.S: she’s not — she was only a human who didn’t know any better, nor did she ever experience anything better from her parents)
Anyways I told dad, I don’t want to talk to mom AT All! not even good morning! I don’t want to talk to both of you actually so if you want me to be good just leave me alone! and i was so harsh and shouting on the phone to dad and he was worried sick! like he was literally begging me to not isolate myself, I remember exactly how trembling his voice was, I never heard dad speak like this ever in my life, not even on the day his father passed away.
So I was speaking the bare minimum on the group with them, and I told dad that I went to the psychologist and that I’m on Prozac now (that was day 3).
Mom says:
“Leeno be really careful usually when you have your monthly cramps you take Ibuprofen, you can’t take that with Prozac it’ll cause internal bleeding, I know a person who that happened to them”
But I was hating on my mom, so I said yeah yeah whatever, and in my mind said that woman always have something negative to say, but anyways let me email my doctor and ask (it was a period of a public holiday in dubai) so I email her and while I wait for a response I go and google everything about prozac, and even though reading was impossible as I told you my brain was not functioning, but I kept on pushing through…I spent literally full day just researching, and the disasters that I found shocked me!
I haven’t found one person who said they advise taking it, and everyone emphasise one point which is, yes temporarily it will make you feel better but it’ll fuck you up for the rest of your life and going off of it later on is so hard and it will cause alot of weight gain, physical issues, hormonal issues…etc. and to never quit it cold turkey even if its just few days.
I had my flight the next day, which obviously my parents were super against, but I was already hating on them! like only god can stop me at this point.
I get a response from my doctor that says:
It is not advisable to take Ibuprofen with Prozac as that can cause internal bleeding.
I was shocked!! the audacity! she literally made it sound like its candy! yeah take it take it nothing happens, just low libido! Who the fuck cares about libido if I’ll die from internal bleeding bitch!
I didn’t even respond, what I did I woke up the next day packed up my backpack to Nepal, and I looked at Prozac and decided fuck it! Those pills are not going with me to Nepal and whatever happens happens, I won’t be slave to big pharma for the rest of my life (it was day 5 on Prozac).
I reach kathmandu, day one its fine, day two I don’t know what on earth happened to me! supposedly Prozac builds in your system so I shouldn’t feel the withdrawal symptoms this soon! but Boy! It wrecked me up.
Those who know what Kathmandu is, can imagine!
I was in a dodgy hotel room with minimal cleanness, where the water from the tap for the first 3 seconds you open it is yellow, kind of situation.
I fell so sick that I couldn’t even leave my bed! I kept every day calling the receptionist saying I’ll extend one more, unable to even leave my room to go eat, I remember day 2 I felt so weak from the lack of food, so i just went down there’s a small shop next to the hotel, i just picked up a small packet of biscuits and went back to bed.
It felt like a train crossed over my body, everything is aching, headache, fever, and on top of that i don’t know if pollution was also the reason that my throat got infected and I lost my voice! that when I wanted to talk to the receptionist I sounded sooo weird that the first reaction people are getting shocked from my voice haha and then I explain with my broken voice that I have throat infection.
Anyways I went through all of that and I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t tell my parents as they were anyways against me traveling, so why would I worry anyone, and anyways i managed their expectations pre traveling that there will be minimal communication, I’ll just message that I’m okay once in the morning and once at night and thats it! and they were okay with that.
So, day four I started regaining my strength, I showered, I started feeling like human again and I left my hotel and the rest is history, I quit prozac cold turkey! and never again and the day I came back i threw it in the trash.
The picture used on Medium is from that trip, the day I got better I left kathmandu and went to Bhaktapur I stayed in a hotel that is a Unesco world heritage where they preserved it in such an amazing way that every piece of it has history behind it, the windows of my room overlooked a square where people gather and also a temple where people used to gather and pray every time the priest ring the bell…just sitting there looking at life unfolding outside, for all of these humans that they don’t even know that I exist! was also when I fell in love with people watching, I actually love now to travel to places and just sit in a cafe, drink something and just observe how life is unfolding for people who don’t know I exist.
Underneath the room directly there’s a shop that kept on playing mantras/buddhist music the entire day and that was the first time I heard:
“Om Mani Padme Hum”
Means “Hail to the Jewel in the Lotus” and you can google what it represents. And it kept on being played in my mind over and over that I couldn’t get over it, especially everything about that trip was transformational, hence why it led me to have a tattoo on my right arm that have a lotus, a world map and “Om”.
When people see it they think I’m hindu, even though Om is a Sanskrit word and while it is part of the Hindu religion teachings, but the meaning behind is wayyy deeper than religious teachings, and anyways for me “Om” is a reminder of the Mantra of “Om Mani Padme Hum” that the shop kept on playing, and I don’t bother explain all of that for people who see my tattoos, I just say “Body Art” 😂
And it’s a custom designed Tattoo, so it didn’t exist before, I literally knew I wanted a Lotus, a World map and Om so I told that to the tattoo artist in Chiang Mai, Thailand and he sorted out how it should look like.
So anyways in that picture it was the first time after the “Nervous breakdown” where I got a chance to just sit down and breathe! and just exist, I had a book with me and I was jotting down few things on it…and that’s why I chose it as the picture on Medium, because it was the first time that I physically wrote things that I was feeling/thinking of.
If you’d like to listen to that exact mantra that the shop kept on playing then it’s this:
https://youtu.be/mvBLSJWk6HE?si=AvTdz39KJVhVUcJx
And oofff the goosebump that I felt now relistening to this ❤
that was 2018 and since then I’ve been through so much shit! literally the darkest days ever, and yet medication was never anything that would come to my mind, i simply refuse it! and I don’t care if it works for others, I already have trust issues with big pharma, and I’m a massive consipracy theorist, so nothing about it makes sense!
Anyways I had to go in details about this experience, because I remember covering before in an older article my childhood, also my teenage years and my university time in malaysia and how it was and also my early work years.
So I already spoke briefly about all the trauma and disasters that I’ve been through and this nervous breakdown was the cherry on top!
And that experience with the therapist & psychiatrist was such a turn off for me, from seeking help again (more about this later*)
Also for the record I also tried Betterhelp, and I had an american therapist called Lynn as well haha! the irony, Lynn fixing Lin.
Anyways She was an old lady who was very successful in her business and we used to chat (I didn’t want to have voice or video calls) so we chatted for like a month or two, and let me tell you that I don’t remember the details much but I wish I can go back to see the chat!
I literally remember her telling me that she broke down in tears and that the experiences i shared reminded her of something she experienced, bla bla bla…somehow I broke down the therapist! Yikes.
So yeah…I didn’t see this going anywhere, like yes Lynn I know you love talking to me, but I’m not going to pay you $400 so we can chitchat!
So lets do a quick life recap:
Tough childhood, cold house, cold mom, dad works in another country so he’s distant, my sister and I were in different age groups (she’s 4 years older) so when I’m in elementary she’s in middle school..etc so we never were at the same phase and add to that, we are completely different characters so we never got along, so I was a very lonely child.
3 Heart breaks in my teenage years.
Friend betrayal that absolutely shattered me.
War broke across the country and my friends started leaving me one by one, death was all around us.
I lived in the active war zone for 2 years where bombings and shellings were falling literally next door, so everything you think university life should be, it wasn’t, I was just praying I don’t die in the next minute.
I left Syria and spent 6 months in Saudi being stubborn to convince dad to send me to malaysia to continue my university as my best friend at the time was going there, those 6 months in saudi was complete isolation, dad goes to work 2 shifts, its just me and mom at home, and we go out once a week on Friday when its dad off day, we had no friends there.
Went to Malaysia, got attacked by a gang who tried to rob us (me and a friend) that was on day 3 of me arriving there, this is actually a really cool story that I’ll speak about it another day, but yeah we were attacked by a gang, and that night we ended up sleeping in the streets literally in the street! as in behind a bush in the middle of a main road.
Got scammed my money from an agent who rented me an apartment in a block that turns out is filled with drugs and troublesome people.
Lost the rental money but I rented another empty studio with the help of a friend as he used to live in that building, but that studio was empty! so I slept on the floor and yet was super grateful that I have a roof ontop of my head as its way better than street gangs and sleeping behind the bush where ants had a field day in my shoes!
-My best friend came from syria after me in two weeks, she came after everything was sorted, I already had 2 beds, my friend lets call him Mo he’s actually was someone who my best friend knew, and he was studying at that university so he helped me when he saw the shit i was going through, he was with me when we were attacked and when we slept in the street and he was the one who carried on his head a mattress for like 5 kilometers from his room who he shared with friends to give it to me, man I’m so grateful that this guy was there to help me.
Anyways long story short Mo falls in love with me, even though I literally was dropping hints all around that PLEASE DONT TELL ME!! THE ANSWER WILL BE NO! but typical man! they don’t use their brains so he came and confessed his love and ruined our friendship as we used to hang out all 3 of us, me and my bestie and mo.
-I go to Saudi for a summer break, which is after Mo’s confession in one week, my bestie messages me that her and mo actually fell in love and that they are now together….huh? (actually they are now married haha but thats madness)
-I lose my shit on my friend as how can she do that to herself! she was there infront of him all along and he loved me! why would she be with him! anyways she was so stubborn we started hating each other, i said fuck it I’ll move out!.
I moved out to Kuala Lumpur as before that we were in Cyberjaya an area in the suberbs of KL next to the University, I decided that I love city life and thats where I can chase my dreams, so I started looking at rooms to live in KL, and let me tell you that I’ve seen horrors! and I had a very limited budget but somehow divine intervention took course and god blessed me with a chinese land lord who gave me a master bedroom with my own bathroom which goes out normally for 1,300 ringgets for 800 Ringgets.
In KL I was on a mission to find a job, waitress level jobs, I just wanted to make my own money! and I applied for thousand of jobs literally thousands and even though some brought me for interviews only to reject me because I’m a foreigner (could’ve been an email bro), anyways I was obsessed with finding a job, and I was heart broken from losing my bestie, and I was alone! and I did have some university friends but like not close enough for me to want to see them every day, i did use to see them but like once a week or so, and I was so focused on getting a job that I didn’t want to waste my time partying and drinking and shit (such a bad call-I didn’t let myself have fun when I was at the age where I should’ve had fun), got a decent job so I spent my time between my part time job at a travel agency and 3 or 2 days a week classes in UNI which now i need to commute like 2 hours each way on classes day, so I didn’t have time to think about love.
-I graduated university came to Dubai, dad gave me 1,000 AED and said figure it out! and honestly if it wasn’t for my sister who was already living and working here, I would’ve never been able to build a life here! she literally gave me everything! she gave me the studio she lived in with all the furniture as they are, she left everything for me when she got married, else I would’ve never been able to afford it as I got a job as an SEO trainee for 4k, and then they increase it for 6k but still way too low to survive if it wasn’t for her.
-I started learning what is being financially responsible, bills and shit that up until that moment i didn’t worry about because dad was giving me monthly allowance while at UNI, but now I’m on my own, so imagine having to make it with such a low salary, I directly went into debt just to get a driving license, so I was fighting for my survival yet again, but this time financially.
-Life burdens started increasing more, more, more that I literally started losing my will to live, I just go to work and even though I liked my job and I liked the team and the entire vibe of the place, but I would go back so tired especially that I hired a car lift which we used to squish in it 4 people so by the time i reach home its 8:30 and i collapse on my sofa so tired to even eat, and i wake up the next day rinse and repeat.
-We also had an egotistic manager who actually follows me on Medium and I pray he reads this because I want to tell him “FUCK YOU” I told them I want a salary increase this won’t work! and he started telling me how even our COO now when he came to dubai he was living in a shared apartment and that i have a car (I had a mazda 2 which i paid 800 dirhams a month for which was actually cheaper than the 1k carlift) and that my lifestyle is unrealistic! here my salary was 9k and i was breaking even between rent, bills, my credit card debt, food, i finish the month with zero or even minus.
He was acting as if he pays my salary from his pocket, man I hate people like that! like it’s not your fathers company you little shit! anyways he was a horrible manager with an ego 10 times his size.
-Thank god Basma my manager, the woman who I was hired to work with her she got promoted and because that man was so shit they removed him from his position and Basma took over, and you might by now memorize that name as I mention her alot in alot of my article as I owe alot to her! she’s the reason I am who I am career wise today! and even on a personal level, she gave me the care, love and patience that even my parents weren’t even giving me at that stage.
So when she became the head she did what a decent human would do, pay the employees fairly as there wasn’t any objection from the management for salary raises its just that piece of shit of a manager who wanted to establish dominance.
-Anyways I got my salary raised to 12k, and i started being able to breathe i was able to save a little over what I’m spending so now I can breathe you know….well!
life had other plans, by the time I was starting to stand on my feet also my system started catching up on all the traumas that I went through in my life as I was bottling them up, and pushing them down whenever they started coming up, but at the end of day I’m only human and the body keeps the score :)
So apparently my mental health started deteriorating, and even that I kept on ignoring because I was Naive! i didn’t know! i didn’t know that depression is a serious thing! as where I come from if you say you’re depressed they say yeah you’ll be fine in two days don’t worry about it!
So I kept on waiting for those two days, saying yeah it’s fine no big deal, yeah I’m sad for no reason but no big deal, yeah my body is sweating massively when everybody is around me freezing but no big deal, yeah I wake up middle of my sleep at night panicking and thinking about work in a way that feels like I didn’t even sleep, yeah my mouth was getting dry and I didn’t know why, yeah my heart sometimes was beating faster than normal that it hurts, yeah I have very low energy and I’m losing interest in things, but yeah all of that is no biggie it happens man its just what being an adult is….WRONG! and here we are now at the answer:
I’ve been single for 7 years :)
The doctor judged that there’s something wrong with me, but could she possible even know everything that I said above in that 1 first hour of meeting me? ofcourse not!
did she even care to give me more sessions to know more about my case before Assigning a label for me as “Severe Depression and Major Anxiety disordered kind of person” also no, did she wait to see if maybe any other form of therapy would work before putting me on pills to just start billing money on insurance and to hook me up for refills for life, also No.
That’s why I was single for 7 years, because I was going through so much shit, so rapidly that I didn’t have time! like when will I have time if I’m so burdened with everything in life! like literally life was crushing me right and left, the only thing which I tell you I regret is actually worrying too much about finding a job to make my own money and not partying and having fun, as actually my dad was already giving me allowance even though its basic and enough to cover my need, but i didn’t need to work.
But thats who I am! I was always dreaming ever since I was a kid about the day I get to work like I see those american highschoolers in movies working and making their own money, I was fascinated about the concept of making money ever since I was a kid that I just couldn’t wait! like i need to do it NOW! so yeah I burdened myself unnecessarily in this aspect but everything else was out of my control.
After my nervous breakdown, my life changed not in a positive and not in a negative way, it was neutral but the acknowledgement that I actually have an issue and that issue have a name “Depression”, and if you know about the five stages of grief, you know that they are:
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance
So I’ve passed through the first three and I reached the forth and inorder for me to go out of the fourth, I need to open the pandora box, and start unfolding all of the wounds and traumas one by one from the first one in my life to the last one till that day, as thats the only way to reach acceptance, is me having to learn how to sit with myself, as running away will just further delay my suffering, i can’t put a bandaid on a gushing wound anymore…I need to go through it.
And I won’t go through the details as I’ve done enough in my older articles, but yeah the Journey up until today was a very dark, painful and lonely one, and every time I thought I found light at the end of the tunnel, it only turned out to be a little break before the next tunnel, and I had no other option but to go through it as its a one way tunnel, actually there’s another option, here are the options:
- Go through the tunnel and hope there’s another light that will come.
- Give up and get burried mid way in the tunnel.
And while I’m not gonna lie, option number two creeped up to my mind way too many times more than I like to admit, as those who know, those who’ve been through this journey they know that the pain reaches levels where you as a human are incapable to tolerate anymore.
But I always had that 1% hope that this might end, to be honest even though I went through phases in my life where I thought I was atheist as the idea of god didn’t make sense to me, seeing all of the injustice and misery that I was seeing around me, like why an all mighty god cause that by choice? like what kind of god is that? and is it a god that I should even believe in, if he’s that cruel?
Well…that’s their god :) thats the god that they speak about in media, thats the god that religious preachers make you fear, but that’s not my god.
I found my god in the midst of all darkness, and it came with little nudges of hope that kept on pushing me, a sense that kept on coming in my darkest nights that maybe there’s a 0.001% chance that it won’t be like this for the rest of your life leeno, and also it came through people, through little opportunities that made me dream again, like yeah what if I get this opportunity? what if i actually manage to travel to that place?…alot of what ifs that gave me hope, to hold on for just a little bit longer.
Okay now we’ve covered the miserable part, lets cover the human part….have I been living as a nun in a convent all of those years? No.
again I’m only human, so I’m just like you! I love to have someone next to me, someone to laugh with, someone to watch a movie with, someone to go in a car cruise with just to enjoy some nice music and chitchating about life, someone who we can sit in silence and still enjoy each others company, someone who i can collapse infront and will hold me without making me feel like a burden…have I found that person? No.
Now lets address why not.
Okay this is a realisation that I reached actually two months ago, after months and months of almost solitude and tons of reflection, I realised I’m a broken vase! and I was going wrong in all of those relationships / potential relationship because I was acting like a glue!
Do you know the concept of:
“You attract people based on psychological wounds”
Basically it means that we attract people who have similar wounds/traumas to us as it feels familiar, it feels like a comfort zone, and also for my case because I know that hardships shapes a personality so actually a person who’s been through alot of shit would have a very interesting personality to me, because they’ve been through alot that it would have definitely shaped them into someone who’s not shallow, someone who thinks and reflect about life with a deeper sense of meaning, someone who knows that not enough money in the world can buy you happiness as money didn’t help them to get out of the shit they’re in, so they’re not materialistic..etc.
So I basically kept on attracting people who are similar to me, but here’s a catch! I’m a broken vase and I didn’t know it! so what was happening is, I meet another broken vase and because I have the capacity to love in an insane way (i don’t know why god gave me this feature I would’ve passed on it if it was a choice) anyways, so I end up taking it on my heart to fix them, but how can a broken vase fix another one?
The only way is by giving them pieces of my broken vase to complete theirs, and while that is a selfless act, but I’m not a GLUE! so every piece I lose, its gone forever! so their vase is being reshaped again, but mine is getting even more and more broken that even for them they’d start feeling, ummm…i’m starting to feel like a full vase, why would I be with a broken one? valid.
I only reached this realistion lately, I am a broken vase and there’s nothing wrong with that, but in order for me to have a successful relationship I need to accept my true self as a broken vase, and stop acting like anything else other than who I am, which means in order for me to be with someone, that someone needs to be either a glue or a cracked vase, it can never be another broken vase even if thats what attracts me the most.
What does that means in a none philosophical way?
basically it means if you’re a “Glue” it means you had a very healthy childhood, supporting and loving parents, and those parents luckly also had enough money to set your future up in a nice way that you didn’t have to struggle, you had relationships that didn’t work out but nothing damaging, basically you had a very comfy and blessed life that If you reflect back on it, you can’t actually pinpoint a major trauma that ever happened that shaped you.
Ok friends, can you take a minute to think about those features above…do you know anyone with those features from everyone around you and everyone you’ve met before in your life…let me guess…No :)
The odds of being a “Glue” in this day and age is really maybe 0.1% because everything around us if fighting against us, starting from the simplest things.
The way we spend majority of our day, sitting not moving, no sun = no vitamin D, too busy barely able to reach back home after work sitting in traffic for hours, you barely eat and sleep, weekends you are too tired from work that you just want to relax which means minimum social interactions.
No movement + no sun/nature + no sense of connection = depression :)
and this is a basic example of something all of us share in our modern life, but then have you ever met someone who didn’t have a childhood issue? no
friends/relationship issues?no
so basically its really impossible to find a glue who has infinite amount of glue to fix the broken vase back together.
And if I’m honest with myself, and since I know myself really well by now, I know for a fact that a “Glue” would bore me to death, because that would also mean they didn’t go through the hardships that shapes the personality that i like! I don’t want someone who’s in their 30’s and dad is so rich that spends on them, I don’t want someone who’s also dad is so rich that they were given everything on a silver plate that didn’t require them to hustle, i don’t want someone who’s so used to a posh life that doesn’t know how to travel in the same way i love traveling and experiencing “REAL CULTURE” of places which you won’t find it inside of a 5 star resorts no matter which country you go to.
So a “glue” would never go anywhere past the talking stages with me.
Now we are left with the only option “A cracked vase” a cracked vase is someone who’s been through enough but not enough to shatter them like I was shattered, so they understand my pain but they have the capacity and patience to hold my pain with me as they have enough space for that, someone who is aware of the issues they have and is actively working on it to not let the vase break.
So here’s the funnel that they need to go through to see if it’ll be a match:
Are you emotionally available? yes — proceed
Are you seeing a therapist or seeking help in any way? yes-proceed.
*BTW almost 90% of my friends now have a therapist and I am more than aware that I should too.
but, one I don’t have the financial capacity now, and also I just went out from the darkest tunnel in the land that I can’t put pain and stress now on my nervous system to reopen the pandora box with the therapist, but I shall do that soon.
If you say “I don’t need a therapist or help in any way to get you to grow (spiritually/emotionally/psychologically)” then don’t bother, i don’t have time nor patience to wait for you to reach the realisation that you are actually a broken vase just like me, so don’t bother.
-Are you patient? because I have zero patience, so one of us have to play that part, and while I’m not saying I’m proud of that, its just not who I am! and I can improve it but it’ll never 100% change, so if we are both impatient with each other, shit will hit the fan quite quick, so don’t bother.
-Are you calm/ or accepting at least? because I have temper issues, which honestly sometimes you won’t see it for months at a time, but if i let my frustration build up then I’ll blow up and burn everything around me and you’ll be burnt in a very damaging way that your vase will actually crack, not break but it’ll crack! so are you willing to have an occasional crack that I’ll help you fix with my intense love?
But you see its a double edge sword, like I can give you love that you’ve never experienced before ever in your life, but at the same time there’s a chance that I’ll hurt you in ways you’ve never been hurt before as well, so..it’s a wild ride and you need to have the “Fuck it” I’d rather experience that type of love and not worry about the consequences until they happen, kind of personality. else, don’t bother.
-Are you a kind person? because I don’t care about nice people, I care about kind people. Meaning you can be the nicest person in the land (appearance wise) and then you go and destroy lives. i don’t want that, i’m okay with someone who can even be interpreted as mean, but they’d never cause harm to others, as thats what matters at the end of the day, whats in your heart not what you show the world.
-Are you a person who leads with ego? if yes then run as fast as you can because I have problem with ego and once I see someone acting with their ego, it becomes my mission to crush it! and I’ll literally be your worst nightmare and probably destroy your confidence and self worth while I’m at it, so don’t bother.
-Are you a liar? or do you have the habit of lying frequently? if yes then honestly don’t even bother, because the moment you’ll look me in the eye and make the first lie and I know you’re a liar because I can read people so well 90% of the times, is the moment that all of my feelings for you will die, it’s very easy to say the truth, or just say you don’t want to say the truth and I’d leave it at that, but never lie. Else, don’t bother
-Are you ambitious? I don’t care if you have zero in your bank account now, tell me how the last few years have been? what did you try to achieve even if luck was never on your side, if you were content with you office job and very happy with your 2k AED salary increases in 3 years, then don’t bother because I’ll be a billionaire and you’ll be a liability.
And it’s not at all about “Money” its about ambition, now I have the lowest money i’ve ever had in my life, but I’ve done some really good money before, I was just not good with managing it, and I have dreams that are larger than life and its not actually dreams as they’ll be a reality sooner than people think is logical, but I’ve always created my own reality so either you match the vibe or don’t bother.
I think these are the core things for me, and if you reached here and you are saying who the fuck she think she is? well the fact that you reached here means you know exactly who the fuck I am and you know that I’m so damn worth it :)
So to wrap up, I chose to be single and to deal with my shit because I’m a person who is accountable, I’m aware of my issues and it breaks my heart to reflect my traumas on others, alot of you are just as damaged as I am and yet you’ve been in relationships continuously, and those relationships are always failing and you are putting the blame on everything but yourself..i think it’s time to acknowledge that you are a broken vase, work on accepting all parts of those broken vase, stop giving the little pieces to others in meaningless relationships hoping you can fix them, because it’ll never actually work out with that person and you’ve lost pieces that you’ll never be able have them back.
so if you really want to get a healthy and loving relationship which you know you deserve, then you need to do the work, have some faith and take it one day a time.
Society keeps on putting pressure on us, deadlines, expiry dates (for women), and that is forcing people more and more into relationships and marriages that are more damaging than being single, more divorces are taking place, more cheating, more traumas…why?
because no body wants to admit that they are a broken vase! but if we start from that acknowledgement and we work on it, then the next person that will come your way will no longer be a broken vase, it would be a cracked vase :) because you’ve done the work and if you remember:
“We attract people based on psychological wounds”
So you’ve worked on your wounds that by now they are just scratches, no longer gushing blood, and the bandaid that didn’t work before, will work just fine now:)
So to answer your question….why are you single?
Because I’m doing the work 🙂
Peace out!
