Don’t You Ever Say You’re “Sorry”

What a powerful realization that is… it hit me as I was writing it!

Do you know that everything I write whether personally to people in messages, emails or articles here it is never planned! Nothing! I just get the idea of what I want to say, as in the topic and then I let my emotions flow.

Even the jokes, they come on spot and honestly sometimes when I reread an article I’d laugh and think that damn how did I even think about this joke! Donno! Gifted in being silly I guess 🤷🏽‍♀️

Anyways, yesterday….was a tough one.

And no not at all due to the Linkedin shenanigans lol that is a side hustle, like if people think such stupid stuff keep me busy then,

I want them to know that I wreck havoc like this while I’m having breakfast or chilling on the beach, its not like my life stops while I’m in the battlefield, so when I say it was tough….that wasn’t it.

I was having one of the hardest conversations that I ever had in my life, and it wasn’t really a conversation as I was the one talking…but for the first time in my life, the person who I thought its impossible for them to listen…she listened…my mom.

And for the first time in my life, I was able to speak..well I wrote it! As I’m better in writing my emotions than saying them, but said everything that I ever wanted to say, ever since I was young and it hit me hard when I said:

“I beg you to never say you’re sorry”

You see I realized we live our entire lives waiting for an apology, a conversation that will give us closure, the person who caused the harm to feel the guilt, realise their mistake and to say “sorry”.

But…I want the opposite! I want her to never say she’s sorry.

Because it will invalidate everything…everything.

All of those nights I cried myself to sleep as a kid, the months that passed and I was alone at home just going to school and coming back to lose myself on my PC to escape the nothingness that I was living, all those times I was covering my ears so hard under my blanket to stop hearing her and dad shouting, the infinite times she shouted at me without any mercy, without noticing the difference in size, in age, in how its not a fair fight.

I’m too small, weak, fragile…a tiny kid! And she was the one that holds all the power, so how could she shout at me and to fight as if I’m an equal opponent.

Mom brought me to this world, and unintentionally instead of giving me a “home” she gave me “hell”.

She gave me demons that took 33 years of my life to beat.

She gave me so many traumas that put me at disadvantage at life, she didn’t prep me to win the race, she overloaded me with burdens that forced me to drag my feet…I could’ve never won the race.

And yesterday I said…I beg you don’t say you’re sorry, because it would kill me.

Imagine all of the suffering, all the pain, all the struggles, all the sadness, all the shattered dreams to be forgiven with…..”sorry”.

What a silly word! What a silly statement!

How can I accept that all the hardships that made me who I am to be wiped with “sorry”

No!!! I would never accept it! Don’t even say it! Because even the act of saying it! Offends me! So just dont offend me and dont say it….just listen.

She listened.

And you may think that this above happened as a fight, like it always it with mom…everything is a fight. It wasn’t

It was a closure, an end to generational trauma.

But the plot twist now….

While I was releasing all of my emotions, expressing all of those things I wished I was strong enough to say when I was a kid, I was having revelations as I wrote everything….I got clarity.

I saw who mom was, no scratch that! Remove the label.

Who “Houda” was.

I remembered all the messed up things I’ve seen at her side of the family, literally Madness! So I can only imagine how her childhood was.

I can still see how horrible my grandma is to them until now! Until now! And they are all over 60, so how was she when they were weak, small, fragile….?

I looked at dad and for the first time in my life I saw it…I saw how he chose the easy route! The peace of mind! I lived my entire life thinking mom is the issue because she was the loud shouting one, and dad was the peaceful calm guy.

Yeah?…really? Now that I know what life is…really?

How do we expect from a woman who is raising two kids as a single mom, in an unforgiving society, while being too ambitious to let go of her career so she started it from scratch while raising us, while also being an excellent housewife! Literally our home was spotless 24/7, we always had the best food cooked for us fresh every single day…..how can one human do all of that? And yet…i’d expect of her to have the energy after fighting battles from dusk till dawn to come sit and chitchat with me or to acknowledge my silly drawings, or those new found passions?

How would she be able to? And all of that and I dont even know what was going on in her life, but knowing how horrible my work experiences was….damn!

I can only imagine what mom faced at work and she was and still is…really good looking! And in a jungle like Syria where there never been any laws….I can only imagine.

So ofcourse dad would be the fun one! What does he even do to stress out? He goes to work, comes back!…he had all the time in the world to hear my jokes, my stories, my silly drawings, my pc nerding…..and he chose, not to :)

Yeah he lives in saudi…but so? Its his choice! He could’ve stayed in Syria and he had a shop, he could’ve stayed and be a shop owner..and we would have lived a good life! Education is free, healthcare is free (not good but free), we own our apartment, groceries are cheap because syria is very strong agriculturally so we dont need to import.

So we could’ve lived a good life! But he chose it!

He chose to walk his father path…..and only now I can see why! And he will never admit it, and I will never confront him anyways…it’s noise! It doesn’t matter!

But he literally escaped! Escaped his responsibility as a dad, he choose to have two of us…and yet leave us!

He chose to not be involved, he chose to only come twice a year when it was convenient for him, he chose to call us once a week only, he chose to be miserable at work and never change the company that he worked at for 30 years, he chose to not grow or to improve to give us a better life.

He chose it all :)

Now whats messed up is! Is when you make those choices as an adult, and come and ask your kids who had no choice! Nor they were ever asked what do they want…but you expect them to be grateful.

Mom used to always say…your poor dad he’s alone, he’s this, he’s that, he’s sacrificing his life for us, you should be grateful!

And now I realised….the only one that really sacrificed was her, and she was and still is…unaware.

It hit me…how selfless mom was! Amidst all the anger, but she always gave without us asking, she always wanted us to be better, sign us up for classes drawing, music, caligraphy, whatever it is! Scout! Anything! She got me a guitar that costs 30k syrian pounds…that was aloooot! Like ALOT!

She could’ve got the one that is for 5k, we are not even rich to splurge. But she wanted always the BEST for us.

But she didn’t know how to communicate how she feels, so she would ruin it! So maybe she’d get that guitar but give it to me while she would be in a rush or snappy…etc so I only saw that! I didn’t see what was going behind the scenes…until yesterday! It all came crashing down on me…without her saying a word.

Reality…came crashing down on me.

The woman that I lived an entire life blaming her for everything that went wrong in me…turns out! She’s the only one ever that actually cared! She’s the only one ever that fought for me, and wanted me to stay with all of my stubbornness and the shit that I was reflecting back on her….she held too tight for me to not leave…and I left.

I left the only one that ever wanted me to stay.

She’s the only one who with all of my silent suffering as an adult (as I never tell my family any of my struggles, not even my sister…no matter how hard it is) so amidst all of my silence she was the only one that knew…without me saying it.

She came with an envelope of cash, that she saved over the years from money that I gave them, she was saving them for her bad days….and she came to rescue me during mine.

I never asked her…I never told her to! I’d never accept it….but I was too desperate for anything that I refused to take that envelope but she left it for me. She left it for me…

And I was so ashamed of myself…how did I allow myself to reach here? How did someone like me let myself reach a place where I’m taking money from someone who in normal days need the money more than me!

And even though the source of that money was me…but still…it was hers!

I gave it to her so its no longer mine…and it wasn’t a small amount…it was alot! She can do alot with that in Syria.

But….I’ve failed…and she rescued me.

She rescued me without me asking her to come save me, as I never do! I never ask for help…just like her! She never asked for help, and now I grew up to know why.

She probably was like me…she was heart broken and let down, backstabbed way too many times in life and learned not ask anyone for anything any more as everyone failed her…including me…she only had herself to rely on.

But yesterday I realised…she had no one! She never had anyone!

But….I always had her.

And the woman that I lived an entire life waiting for her to say sorry….turns out!

I’m the one who owes her an apology.

But how would I even say it….how would I reduce all of her suffering, all of the nights she stayed up while I was sleeping next to her feverish, all the times she left all of her important adult work and went to school to take me out from the principle office for some dumb shit i did, for all the times she signed me up for classes and stuff and I was never good at any one thing!

I’d lose interest and move to the next….and frustrate her, all of those times i shouted back…said hurtful things back, told her I hated her…left her….how can I say “sorry”.

I didn’t say it…well I said it but I said it for just one incident which started this entire thing yesterday, I said I’m sorry I blew up like this today, forgive me….She did.

But I’ll never say sorry for what has passed….it’s offensive.

Yeah…a heavy thing to sit with…it really felt like a closing of a chapter, but that was way more than a chapter…that was a life.

Yesterday I’ve started the shedding of an oldself…and I started stepping into a new one, a new one that is way too new for me to know who i am now.

Who am I? if I’m not that shy kid that suffered, struggled, shouted….who am i if all of that is forgiven and left in the past?

Who am I?

I don’t know….

But what I know is, I’m beyond grateful to god! As I always used to pray that I don’t want the day to come where my mom passes before I ever get to get a closure from her, and when I always thought the closure would be an apology.

Turns out the closure was in the silence….

she listened…

and I realised….

then it was silence…..

acceptance.

And now I grieve…I grieve that long lost childhood, I grieve a younger self, I even grieve the struggling adult that I was untill yesterday as it’s all connected.

Doesn’t matter how long the grieving takes…it takes as much as it needs to take, I’m not in a rush for anything.

And once I’m done grieving….I’ll start living.

Living life with a new aware self, but who will I be…?

I guess we will find out together :)

Peace out!

P.S: if your mom is still alive…talk to her, get to know her…maybe you owe her an apology like I did, but she’s not waiting for one…She already forgave you…just talk to her.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed.