A Roller Coaster Or Something Like it…

What a ride fam! I have no words to describe the last two weeks but…WHAT A RIDE! And for the first time in my life, I don’t know what am I even feeling? Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I mad?

Because there’s no pattern! There’s not one theme I wake up one morning having the best morning ever, and I finish my evening by a call from the police because a person who’s dying to get my attention, has complained :)

complained about what exactly? Even the police officer didnt even know what to say as he knows he wasted his time listening to some dramatic nonsense…

I said okay bro hold up i’m coming to the station because this is ridiculous that this time I’ll be complaining back! But he had enough headaches that he said no need no need, lets just wrap it up all is good😂😂

so he called me basically just to tell me that there’s an attention seeking brat that is DYING to get your attention and since all those “unknown number calls, and the burner accounts checking my stories and the “business accounts” messaging me to see if my whatsapp is on or not, couldn’t get my attention..then yeah lets ge the police involved :)

Sigh….dear god I beg you, can you for the next phase send me mature adults! Thats it! I’m not asking for much! Just Mature Adults! Whether friendship or relationships or work! Just MATURE ADULTS! Thanks🙏

And one day my family comes and I’ve been waiting for them for ages to come and the next shit hits the fan and I find myself leaving it all and driving aimlessly till i reached RAK! No plans no nothing no energy to even plan!

But I’ve already lived way worse conditions that I don’t give a damn! About hotels and shit, all i wanted peace of mind!

And i already have everything in my car! Spare clothes, sleeping bag, tent, fire stuff, heavy jackets! And the malls are everywhere! So i spent 3 days disconnected from everything!

I slept in my car because i was too tired to even set up a tent or to even plan anything! I just slept, ate, went on walks, listened to music…and turned off all the noise.

I realised years ago that I really enjoy my own company that nowadays i can literally spend a full month alone and I feel zero boredom!

So when I was in RAK, I was resetting but I was actually having fun! And when I went an unplanned mountain hike! By chance two ladies on the path offered to pick me up in their cars and I never left 🤣 we hiked together for 3 hours and they are hilarious! So much fun those bunch!

What was shocking is, those ladies both were Hijabis but didnt speak arabic so when they told me where they are from (spanish/italian and the other one is a mexican/american) i was shocked! Both of them are reverts! Covered and being modest and I’m the muslim arab, i was in shorts with my tattoos are on full display! Qhahah

Never judge a book by its cover indeed.

Anyways, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions the last 2 weeks, but it made me realise how resilient I became! Honestly the world can collapse in the evening, and once I sleep and wake up…I wake up as nothing has happened (emotionally) and its not like I’m faking it, no for real! Its like i have a system reset while sleeping, so fascinating! What a blessing!

Maybe thats why I wake up electrocuted (those who follow on the gram will get it) maybe a reset do actually take place and it shocks my system of all the madness and misery of the day before.

Anyways that above is not what this article is about, but I wanted to give a recap of how it has been since my last article.

So along with all the drastic changes that are happening in my life, I became stronger, louder, more annoying (to those who deserve it) and I can no longer tolerate not even 0.01% bullshit!

So i can go from 0 to 100 when people are being bitches with me, what they don’t realize is that I’ve told them a hundred and billion times that I can see through it all!

Like if I tell you i can see through what you’re saying and I can see whats on the inside and yet, you disrespecting me by either lying to my face or playing games, then honestly! What a waste of energy!

I became very aware of how limited my energy is, well its quite abundant but its literally a tank! And I’m reaching every single evening by 8 pm honestly, I can’t even open my eyes, so i’d be so hungry but cant be bothered to wait for food to come that i just sleep hungry! And I’m too tired that even watching tv is a chore! Like its something that takes from my energy after a long day that i just choose to sleep! Thats the only activity that i need after a long day.

And lately every day is a long day! My god how busy each and every single day and eventful! I dont even know where things are coming up from! Both the positives and the negatives! Everything is sooo intense! I’m losing track of time, between the time i wake up and sleep its a blur because i dont even how time to think what time it is.

And with all the changes and the zero BS policy that is being implemented naturally (i dont even force it) i started seeing people falling off, one after the other…wayy too many! And what used to hurt me that noooo dont! Dont fall off please i need you!

This time i realised the negative impact they had on me, i realised how they are falling off because there’s no space for them anymore in my life! And i’m no longer attached to anyone not even the closest humans to me.

I’ve seen enough! Honestly…I’ve seen enough! I’ve seen alot of things that are not even spoken, jealousy, hatred, resentment, envy….so many things from the closest people that are not spoken, but they slip through the smiles and fake support.

And it used to hurt me, i used to think but why???? Why do I wish well to all those i love and even the ones i don’t love! It honestly have zero impact on me whether others succeed or not, it wont take from my opportunity, but why cant they see the same?

This time…i saw that pattern of behaviour not from one but many at one go…..and I’ve just released them. For the first time in my life i didnt feel i need closure, no fighting, no explanation, no shouting….just distance.

You see we put alot of emphasis on “friendships” “relationships” “human connection” and dont get me wrong that is CORE! For our human existence, but the state of the world is soo messed up, that our humanity is no longer humanity! We became a shell of a human. Like we look like a human but we are nothing on the inside.

So i started seeing myself happier alone, in my own la la land, dreaming, building, experiencing, traveling, talking to strangers, clicking that button that i should not click, sending that message that i shouldn’t send.

Doing whatever i want! Whenever I want! No noise, no fakeness, nothing!

And while others would say ohhh thats soo sad!! Is it? Is it sad distancing yourself to save your peace and your humanity? Or is it sad to be surrounded by shells of humans who are latching to you soo hard to keep you down, down with them, because they can’t even fathom the idea of its possible to be up, to get out! To be released from being a “shell”

So my humanity, my freedom, my craziness! Shakes them! Agitates them! They start avoiding me like a plague because i trigger all of their insecurities.

And this has happened to me soooo many times in my life and it used to make feel like shit! As if there’s definitely something wrong with me! I’m the issue even though i cant even identify what the fuck did i even do!!!!! Other than just being myself!

And i realised, i didn’t do anything…thats it! I am being myself now, and before I was the version that is accepted by them, the milder version, the quieter version, the scared version, the dimmed version that wasn’t a threat to them.

And the day i became….”me” more like I found “me” because i lost it for yearssss, I found myself and I started losing those who are around.

To the extent that I can see how people are to afraid to be even associated with me 🤣 whether on Linkedin or anywhere! Because I’m a threat! Because there would be big red flags if you entertain “my loudness” “my opinions” and i dont even mind! To be honest maybe if i was in their position, with responsibilities, kids, families, I’d think 10 times before liking a post of a crazy girl shitting on all corporates collectively as that would make those in your network KNOW that this is also what you feel! But you can’t say it!

Don’t say it!

Don’t be guilty by association!

I’m doing fine on my own….an extra like or comment wont make or break me, those who think so lack substance! Hence they let vanity metrics define who they are as humans.

But i don’t i use those platforms to play the rigged “game of life” and whether the crowds cheer me or not.

I can already see the progress

I can already see….that as it stands, I am winning this game of life.

And whats more important than winning as the game can flip any minute, is enjoying playing! And I’m enjoying every single minute :)

So just watch in silence ❤️

Peace out 🙏