Building Resilience Through Rejection
If you search on Google “what are the things that people fear the most” you’ll get number one:
Public speaking.
And if you give it a thought what’s the emotion behind that fear of public speaking? It’s “rejection”.
We fear that we may say something that others wouldn’t like so we get rejected, we fear that while presenting we would make a joke that no one would laugh on and we would feel rejected..etc. so it all stems from “the fear of rejection”.
And it’s not a surprise really, most of the things we do in life, we do them so we can be accepted, we buy branded clothes, fancy cars, expensive bags and watches so we can impress and get accepted.
*Not sure why I wrote “we” in there as I don’t have any of the above items, not because oh wow I’m so humble, I just don’t have the money for that 🤷🏽♀️ and how would I, if all the businesses I tried to launch failed!
Anyways, so we do everything we can to belong, same thing for physical appearance, everything we do and all the plastic surgery its all so we can be accepted.
So we are living our lives running away from rejection by doing everything we can to not be rejected.
But what if rejection is not so bad? Yeah unpopular opinion I know, trust me I feared rejection for as long as I can remember! BUT! Life….my life is nothing but a series of unfortunate events, not in a sad miserable way no no, not at all! But really It’s just a challenge after challenge after challenge, it never ends!
And the latest theme or life lesson that I feel god is sending me, it’s the same repetitive pattern of a situation where:
I give my all — get rejected-my soul gets crushed.
And this has happened both on a personal and professional level quite alot lately, and had this happened 2–3 years before, I would have spiraled into the deepest darkest depression, because my overthinking brain would make me intensify every situation and blow it out of proportion and make me feel shitty about myself for being who I am, thinking that I was the reason why they rejected me!
But this month of June, 2024 and now July (yesterday) 3 major incidents in my life happened, and when I say major — it’s major.
But I was so shocked with my reaction! Like how come that’s even possible?? Where’s the spiraling? Where’s the sadness? Where’s the depression??
I had none of those! (Alhamdellah🙏)
First one — Professional — Major rejection — didn’t even cry, didn’t do anything- I went to sleep woke up the next day filled with life force, excited for whats to come and ready to conquer the world.
Second one — Personal- crushed my soul and entire existence - Major rejection- I was upset sure, I cried! But I go to sleep wake up the next day filled with life force and ready to conquer the world.
Third one- Professional- happened yesterday- wouldn’t say major but still rejection — my feelings were somewhere between annoyed and pissed off! But I had a massage booked already after an hour, I debated whether I’d cancel or not, but I ended up just going because I knew that that would bring me joy, and I had cinema already booked after it (solo) I went as well and by the time I was driving back home I was singing my lungs out (off-tune ofcourse) to my favorite jams, like I always do when I drive alone.
My negative feelings literally lasted half an hour…. but how is that even possible? What changed in my life to transform me from the person that spiral’s into the dooms of depression to a person that gets upset for a few minutes maximum hours-releases those emotions (whether anger or sadness) and then get back on my feet and move on in my life, not only move on but actually go back to being happier than ever.
What changed is, my perspective and my priorities.
So, due to a looooong list of encounters and people from all walks of life coming into mine for a chapter, for few years, for days — there was always one common theme — disappointment, the people who actually came to my life and didn’t disappoint I can probably count on two hands, and yes I’m talking my entire life which means hundreds of people that came into it.
So unfortunately I became so used to a person turning out to be nothing but a disappointment! Honestly if a person turned out to be NOT a disappointment i’d be shocked and question their motives and entire existence, but why are they a disappointment? The answer is nothing related to them and its all about me! There’s nothing disappointing in them — it’s my expectations that disappoint me!
I expect from others to give back just as much as I give them — I expect from others to be as honest with me as I’m honest with them- I expect from others to be there for me just like I’m always there for them- I expect from others to give me their time and care — Just like I give them loads of it, I expect from others to have the courage to say what they really feel/want- because I always say what I really feel/want, I expect from others to fight for me like I fight for them.
But why should they? Maybe they are not giving, not caring, not honest, zero courage and too weak to fight and they are happy with who they are, and If I want to be with them or close to them in any type of relationship then I’m the one that should accept them as they are and not go expect from them to match who I am! [surely this is way easier said than done, but it’s a work in progress]
So I wouldn’t say I’ve learned to not expect anything, no not at all- the opposite I’ve learned to expect disappointment! So when it happens (and the odds of it happening has been quite high) it doesn’t make me flinch anymore because I’m already expecting from you to be a disappointment so why would I be shocked when it happens.
But to be honest this perspective might change! Maybe it needs to be changed actually, because what if, I keep on attracting disappointments into my life because I’m the one expecting them! (Something for me to ponder on).
The other part is priorities, I now know exactly what my priorities are in life so anything else that happens no matter how major or soul crushing it is, if it doesn’t fall under one of my priority categories then it’s not worth spending my energy on it.
My priorities:
Family: as long as they are okay and happy — everything else in the world i can deal with.
Health: something I take for granted quite alot, only to have one silly sore throat or an ache somewhere to remind me of how much of a blessing it is, the days that we have no physical pain — lately I’m working more on my health both physically and mentally so if all is good on those aspects — life is good.
Stable finances: I no longer link my value in life to one job, one title, one organization that have the ultimate power of making or breaking my life — not at all! So my priority is to have enough money to cover my life and my responsibilities regardless of how that money is attained (day job, freelance, investment…etc) — If I have that covered then if for a few month i have less money in my bank account, it doesn’t matter! I’ve worked hard enough on developing my skills and knowledge that I no longer need the validation of others to tell me how good I am, I know exactly how good I am and so I know exactly what I’m worth and what I deserve (money wise) and thus I always keep on getting it 🤷🏽♀️.
These three are the priorities which I noticed if I have an imbalance in them, it makes me go into panic mode and spiral— everything else its just an inconvenience.
And if anything, all the big names who made it, they got rejected quite alot! Jack ma (founder of Alibaba *my favorite website😂) he got rejected 50 times for jobs as silly as a floor cleaner, only to go build an empire.
Sara Blakely — Spandex founder- physically knocked on every single door possible to show them her idea, all of them shut in her face, but one opened and that one was her ticket to wealth!
They don’t matter, focus on yourself.
So rejection is not a bad thing, its a good thing, its a skill that can be developed.
First time it hurts, second time it hurts, third time it hurts, then it becomes annoying, then it becomes meh, then it becomes nothing and you go knock on the next door, seek the next opportunity, give another person a chance to blow your mind…etc.
So yup, that’s what changed! And today I’m writing this sipping on my morning coffee, fairuz playing in the background, all the people I love are okay, and I don’t care what happened yesterday, a week before, a month before…it’s not worth it! And yet another day of being the happiest girl alive 🙏 الحمدلله.
