But How Much The Heart Can Take?
This article probably one of the worst i’ve written, as I don’t even know what I’m talking about, there’s no connection between the ideas, everything is thrown out randomly, but I just wanted to say what I wanted to say, for me, not for you…(my two loyal readers haha)
Yeah no proper hook, no actual context and no lesson to be learnt in the end, as for this one I haven’t learned the lesson.
So you can skip this one 🙏 (It’s for my journaling and reflection)
I’m sitting in a cafe overlooking Dattatri square in Bhaktapur, Nepal. Doing my favorite thing when I want to chill while traveling which is..observing the world unfold around me, all of these humans each with their own world of happiness, misery, worries, love, heartbreaks..each one of them is a walking universe on its own. And for them, I don’t exist.
*literally took this picture this moment while I’m writing this…how blessed I am to experience such thing!
I always found that fascinating, and when I brought that up with friends they always laughed “yes yes we know you mentioned that before”…but its truly a wonder!
Because we live our lives thinking that after that heartbreak our life is over, once we lose that job our life is over, once somebody dies our life is over…but in every waking minute life is being over to someone somewhere, but yours isn’t.
And that’s what I keep on reminding myself and others, that in the grand scheme of things this all doesn’t matter.
The disappointment I’m feeling now doesn’t matter, the heartbreak that passed doesn’t matter, being hired, getting fired…it all didn’t matter.
The only thing that mattered was that we pushed through one more day, one more day to witness magic unfold.
When people ask me how did I get out of my severe depression in late October 2025, after being MIA since October the year before, I say I don’t know.
Because I don’t have one reason why, and I say divine intervention, because it was actually divine intervention..but god didn’t come in person and slapped me out of it.
He sent me people who’ve lightened the dark tunnel that I was in…they showed me that there’s actually an end to the tunnel (at least for this tunnel) and it’s so near.
I didn’t believe it…I nodded, I did what they said but I did it because I was desperate, change this, do that, try this, I did it with zero belief in my heart that anything will come out of it…as when you’re in deep depression there’s a black vail that drops infront of your eyes and no matter what…you won’t be able to see anything but darkness…and this is where the divine intervention happened.
God pushed me through that tunnel through those people even though I walked it blinded by the darkness…and when I went out and looked back, it honestly broke me down in tears, that vail was lifted and I saw things for what they were and I was in absolute awe.
It’s crazy how something you’d think it’s the worst thing that happened to you would turn out to be actually the best thing that could’ve ever happened, as it was a step to get you to the next place in your chapter.
I saw exactly why I was heartbroken, abandoned, disappointed, betrayed, made felt worthless, lost everything, the solitude that I lived…each turned out to be one piece of a big puzzle.
And even though I’m thankfully out of it, but I learned to not take my life for granted…I wake up every day and from the bottom of my heart I thank god for waking up “like this” and by this I mean, filled with life! Filled with energy! To hype to even sleep more than 5 hours…because not long ago even sleeping 12 hours weren’t enough…I didn’t even want to wake up.
Why am I writing all of that, what triggered it. I’m actually writing it for me, writing it to remind myself of how blessed I am, how lucky I am, because even all of those hardships are done for the chosen ones only.
There’s a saying in arabic:
اذا احب الله عبدا ابتلاه
“When Allah loves a servant, He tests him”
And when I used to read it, I used to sarcastically laugh, as in what is this rubbish…how is it possible that if god loves someone to make them go through such misery? What a masochist god that is! So he gets his joy from seeing us suffer?
And how wrong I was….
I won’t talk about others, I’ll talk about my experience.
If I wasn’t through all the hardships my entire life, I would’ve lived with the vail dropped till the end of my life, and while I don’t think the vail is fully lifted and to be honest I think It would scare me if it does as I’m not ready yet.
But I noticed how I see life, completely different to others, and how no hard I try to show them what I’m seeing…they never see it! They literally never see it! And even though my act of me presisting for them to see it is purely an act of love because I don’t want to be the only one experiencing this…but they don’t see it, and my actions get interpreted in a completely different direction:
“Crazy, Psychotic, unhinged…etc”
It always falls back to it being some negative label associated with me…and I used to believe them! And I used to feel ashamed actually of my action, like yeah…I am unhinged actually…because I’ve never seen anyone do such a thing ever in my life.
I’ve never met anyone who wear their heart on their sleeve like I do.
I’ve never met anyone who says the truth no matter what like I do.
I’ve never met anyone who chooses to be hurt over hurting others, even those others would absolutely destroy me.
I’ve never met anyone that find it this easy to sincerely apologize when others take years and years and their ego stops them from doing so.
I’ve never met anyone who dares to dream as big as I do, even when nothing is tangible…the only thing tangible is the my strong faith in the divine…as that promise was given to me, it was given randomly, and I’ll believe it, and it will manifest.
I’ve never met anyone who would go approach strangers and hit them with crazy ideas like I do only to be ghosted 😂
And the list goes on and on…and the bottom line I haven’t met anyone like me, I wish I did actually…it wouldn’t have made me feel this lonely.
And for the small minded reading this would be interepted as “she’s full of herself” shut the fuck up man!
I lived all of the above experiences over and over again so many times until that they became a fact in life and not a “show-off” trait.
And every single time I beat myself up…I get disappointed in myself, why did I do this again! Why did I put my heart out there like this again to be crushed again.
And by crushed its not only “romantically” oh boy! If thats what you only think heart break can come from then what a privilege life you’ve lived.
I’ve got heart broken by my parents, my sister, by a CEO, by close friends, by someone I loved unconditionally…and lastly by a stranger.
And it all happened because of me, I’m the one who let my heart break, because I’m the one who threw my heart out there to be stepped on.
But who would I be if I wasn’t that person? How would I not tell them how much I love them? How much I’m different and that I shouldn’t be judged based on their previous heartbreaks? How much I can change the business? How much everything I gave was because of how much I loved and not because I wanted them to feel less, and how much I wanted them to be with me in the probably the only thing that will matter in my future.
But I said this and I’ll say it again, if someone is not destined to see “who you are” then no matter how much you fight for that, you’ll never be seen or heard.
And I keep on forgetting that, and I keep on falling back into the same trap of me being me, putting myself out there, fighting to be seen, getting my heart broken because of my own expectations.
You know how all of this can be solved?
Patience.
I never had patience my entire life, I’m always impatient, it’s very hard to me to be patient.
But I’m also impatient because most days I live like tomorrow doesn’t exist, so technically I don’t have time!
I want to send the message NOW!, I want to tell them I love them NOW! I want to say I’m sorry NOW! I want to book that trip NOW!
Honestly I don’t know if thats a blessing or a curse as currently it feels like a curse.
If I didn’t say “I love you” now! They would’ve came and said it themselves because I “make it sooo easyyyy to fall in love” lols! When I heard that song I loved it! But then it became mainstream and everyone and their mama started using it and I bet they are all insanly hard to be loved but yeah sure bro…sure.
If I didn’t show them at work how insanely good at what i do from day one, I could’ve kept that high salary rolling, doing the bare minimum, in a few months i ask for a raise, i get it because I’m good at selling my skills, i get promoted in a year, another promotion in two….but thats soo slooooooooooow and it kills my fireeee and I don’t want to be promoted in 1 year, I want to give you the best idea ever and get it executed in one week BECAUSE IT IS POSSIBLE 😭
Sigh…..I’m tired, that’s the reality I’m actually exhausted and I feel like its too early and my heart is still too tender to go throw it out again.
Like honestly if I actually close my eyes and focus on my heart, my tears start streaming, that’s how much I feel my heart is tired and burdened, and I don’t want this to turn into an actual physical heart issue…because 3 years ago I actually felt something wrong with my heart that I went to the ER but they did the tests and said nothing (alhamdella) but it wasn’t beating right, it was actually hurting me, and I was burdening it with all of lifes misery not only mine but others, as I always need to take it on my heart to fix their heart, traumas, work issues, stupidity…etc.
I’m tired, and I don’t want to do it anymore, and today something minor happened and it made me soo disappointed of myself on how THE FUCK! Did i get myself to that place yet again.
I don’t want to do it anymore.
Just a “Peace out”
And I hope today like always, I sleep, I wake up and I’m ready to take over the world AGAIN🔥
*This song has been haunting my head today, so I’mma leave you with it:
