For The Love of Escapism
I said next time I write I would have travelled.
Yeah….lesson number one of the day:
I switch my mind more than Trump himself 🤣 except when I give a promise then I stick to it, but other silly things in life like:
I won’t eat chicken, I will detox from social media for 4 days, I’ll start a soup diet TODAY!
Yeah…odds are I will eat chicken literally in the next meal, while scrolling on social media and the soup will be a side dish to my main 🤣🤣🤣
Anyways so I am ofcourse still in Dubai, but I am traveling inshallah if all goes well in few days…but I was driving back home from my friends house (how cool is it that we are now at the age of meeting at 8 am and its totally normal).
A song that i love sooo much but haven’t played in a while popped on my Youtube music autoplay:
Escapism — Raye
And you know when you hear a song once and then you play it on repeat until you hate it? Well this was the case but I didn’t hate it.
But when I heard this song I actually heard it in a spinning class and the instructor is German so she always used to wrap up the class ALWAYS with escapism but some berlin techno version.
So the first two times she played it, I was fighting for my survival so I didn’t mind it much, and then one day I was driving home and it played in my mind, so I actually went and found the german spinning lady and Dm’ed her on instagram to ask her what is that version she plays?
And apparently it only exists on Apple music (how gay) haha anyways i went and searched escapism on youtube and saw all the versions of it!
And I fell in love with it all! And Raye as an artist, soooo unique!
And that was the first time ever in my life that I sit and listen to those videos when an artist breaks down every bet of a song and how it was done , hold up let me find it:
So today when it played and its been month since I heard it, I actually wondered why on earth do I love this song so much when I cannot relate to not even one thing she’s talking about:
Never escaped a situation by numbing myself with alcohol or any substance.
Never went out with friends clubbing and came back back with a stranger (or even someone that I know).
I never had a one night stand.
Never rebounded from someone by hooking up with another to numb my heart break.
Thankfully never sniffed cocaine, nor will I ever do any substance that has long term damage.
Like…..zero!
Maybe i love it because its everything that I’m not 🤣 and whats funny is when people meet me and see how i look like, especially that I’m an arab so the default is to think yeah she surely drinks, she surely parties and she definitely sleeps around…..right 🤭
The thing is, I am indeed very mischievous, VERYYYYYYYY MISCHIEVOUS haha and I wont dive into details but like, yeah…naughty.
However I’m as innocent as it gets too! So there’s like mad duality in me that doesn’t make any sense, I’m not a saint not a sinner….I’m a sinner saint 🤣 but still I can’t relate to any of those experiences mentioned in “Escapism”
I think I love it because when I heard it, I was also living in escapism, my heart was also ripping, and whether it was the same methods or not…but I also didn’t want to feel how I did last night.
And I numbed my entire system for one full year….”escapism”.
My modes of escapism:
video games
sleeping
These two are the two that become dominant in my depressive phases, video games no matter if its games on my phone or pc, ps5…for me it helps me to just switch off and live inside that virtual realm for hours, i forget what my real life is, for few hours.
And sleep, when I’m okay, I love to be alive and awake, and when I’m not…not enough power in the world can get me to want to wake up, i can sleep literally 16 hours a day easily if I’m depressed.
Its actually very interesting how I never fell into substance abuse, not as an adult and not as a teenager even though my life was really realllyyyy hard! Like I don’t remember a happy phase as in a continious phase in my life, I only had happy days, weeks at max. So I always had something fucking me up, that I could have easily ran away from by getting drunk, high, thot around.
How come I didn’t do so? I actually dont know! I just never liked any of the above.
Dislike the taste of alcohol except for few occasions when its just sipping a glass and its raaaare.
Never got high through “god’s own grass” no matter what country i tried in, or who were the “experts” who were helping me do it haha, zero! No impact at me at all no matter how much tried.
And sex? How could I do that to myself? How could i share parts of me with someone that means nothing to me?
Because i actually think “sex” is something beyond the physical aspect, there’s very strong force of energy associated with it, I mean it does lead to “creation of life” whats stronger than that?
And those who say I over complicate it because its just a release and thats it, you move on with your day….is it? If its that meaningless then do it yourself bitch.
Anyways i just never succumbed to society pressures, i don’t care whats cool and whats not, because i only tried once and its because my friends who btw at that time both of them were singles and losers 🤣
both a guy and a girl and yet they pressured me, and I had just met a guy who physically is actually hot and I knew he was interested so I played along and when things progressed it just felt so wrong….it felt wrong because that human was catching feelings when I have zero feelings for him, so I just told him “I don’t want to be the one that breaks your heart” so I can’t do this.
Anyone else would’ve carried on, as on paper it was “nothing serious and just fun” for both of us, even though thats not my nature but i was peer pressured so I was like fuck it let me try! But i can feel it! I felt he was catching feelings, and I knew I had zero feelings for him, so…it was a no go for me, id rather be alone without the fun than to break hearts.
So in a nutshell and a miracle really but all of my escapism tactics were always veryyy innocent and harmless (on me long term), like maximum happened was when i said fuck it all and i quit my job and moved countries which was actually escapism…but what was the damage of that? Losing a job? A house? A car? Yeah you can all get it back…but when you lose yourself to substance or your selfworth (in your own eyes) when you use your body for meaningless sex, then i think you’ll always look at yourself as an easy bait, easily attainable and not worth the hassle.
But also maybe my views are due to my upbringing, my culture, and who I chose to be as a human, maybe for others reading this who started sleeping around at the age of 13, maybe they’d read this and laugh on how silly this is, as sex is just a natural need and not that big of a deal.
And yeah maybe it actually is not a big deal (as in its over hyped and not that mind blowing) BUT! as i said for me i’m an emotional person so I lead with my emotions, so all of the actions on my life includes parts of me, and not everything is systematic and logical, and therefor, for me I don’t like meaningless things.
How did I get here? Oh! Escapism! 🤣 haha damn all of that essay for a song!
No not really its just it fascinates me really how my life unfolded in a wayy that i never fell into the traditional escapism tactics, even when i was young mom gave me freedom to go out with my friends always when my friends had their parents say no, so basically i had no boundaries EVER! And yet….I never crossed those.
Very interesting observation, anyways I love that song, I love the slowed version, the normal version, the royal albert version, the 4 am version, all of it.
And whether i relate to it or not, doesnt matter…half of my playlist is songs in languages i dont even understand a word and yet i sing it word by word without even knowing what i’m saying, so its something you feel not something you understand.
And i just love escapism.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
Peace out ❣️
