Home is Where The Heart is | Cliché But True!
For as long as I can remember, I struggled with the concept of home, if we start with the “actual home” then if you’ve read about my childhood here, you’d know it was a broken-ish home and it never had the warmth of what in my mind a home should be like, and if we talk about home as a “country” then It’s enough for me to say, I’m “Syrian” for you to understand what’s coming before I even start writing further.
Growing up, and that is way before the war broke out, I never felt like I belonged, nothing around me and no one around me felt similar to me. I had amazing friends whom I loved more than life but I couldn’t ever relate to them or them relate to me, my interests were always different, my dreams were always different. A typical Syrian girl “and yes here I’m talking about a stereotype and no not everyone is like that there’s ALOT of badass Syrian girls out there” but if we’re talking about the majority then this is how she’d be like (This reflects my experience and my perspective and I’m happy to be proven wrong):
She dreams about prince charming since she’s a kid, plotting and planning the perfect wedding and how many kids she will have, she studies but only to get the degree, so people wouldn’t call her illiterate but not necessarily for her to ever do anything with that degree and if that prince charming came, she’s more than happy to throw out all of her years of studies in a snap of a finger, she gossips alot — like alot! She’s concerned about anyone and everyone, she lives for others, majority of her actions are done to please the society around even if that action doesn’t necessarily makes her the happiest, but as long as she can fake it on the outside and get the society’s approval and applauds, thats what matters!
She doesn’t like technology AT ALL! And the maximum of her interest is to use social media and if you try to educate her on that, she’d say “Ooofff I don’t want to bug my brain with this nonsense” And lastly she never aspires to work hard to make shit loads of money, she wants that shit loads of money but it comes in the pockets of that prince charming and not her, because ew! “Why would I put myself into the misery of work when I can just get married, spend his money and chill.”
If you’ve reached reading here and you know me on a personal level you’d laugh on how I am the exact extreme opposite of all the above:
Never dreamt about a prince charming in the traditional concept and I genuinely don’t like weddings.
Still unsure about the topic of kids but thats a story for another day.
I never liked standard education but I’m passionate about learning, still am till this day, learning bring me so much joy! The day that I don’t learn something new it honestly feels off!
Gossip — I do gossip, I mean I am a human after all and who doesn’t like a good cup of tea being spilled 😂 but I never liked the Syrian kind of gossip “ oh look at X wearing what — oh did you hear X got divorced — oh did you know that X’s husband is cheating- have you seen the party that X did and how luxurious it was”
No. No. No. No.
I don’t care what X is wearing, they can be wrapped up in a garbage bag but as long as their hygiene is on point — then we’re solid.
I don’t care who got married and who got divorced, except if you are my actual friend to either celebrate your happiness with you or to share the misery with you (sometimes divorce is not misery so I’d celebrate your happiness here too😂)
If X’s husband is cheating then my heart breaks for her, and I’d rather not pass this news around, as X would be devastated as it is with whats going on in her personal life let alone having to deal with being the talk of town.
Now for the luxurious show off events! Yuck! Pure Vom! I find it insanely absurd and an absolute waste of money, No bish you didn’t need to be lifted down with a crane to the dance floor on your wedding night…sigh! I actually don’t like that, I don’t like to even attend such events let alone talk about them.
Technology! I’M AN ABSOLUTE NERD! like proper nerd! Like the person who sits smiling like an idiot while watching the latest OpenAI GPT -4o demo, even though I’m against the quick and unregulated development of AI but the technology! Bruvvvv…its INSANE! plus I’ve mentioned this before, that I was a nerd ever since I was a kid hacking emails and stuff — so you can imagine such a brain being dumbed down by those conversations above.
- Rich prince charming, I always make the sugar daddy jokes but in reality I absolutely love nothing more than making my own money, I kept on saying I will be a billionaire when I was a kid till everyone started believing it, I believe — it will happen and it won’t be the inheritance of my very old diseased husband who we have 30 years age gap between us (Yes LJ from Dubai Bling I’m throwing shade at you) it’ll be from my own hard earned money.
So if you have a better understanding now of my character and personality vs. the typical Syrian girl — it’s the extreme opposite.
And my close friends were not like the above, they weren’t silly, weren’t all about show off and weren’t heavy gossipers, they had depth and they had dreams and aspirations — but….no one could relate to me still.
So I always felt out of place growing up and I was counting the days until I finish my university and just leave “home”.
But the war broke out, thing escalated so quickly and it also made my escape plan happen earlier as I transferred to continue my university in Kuala Lumpur, and that’s when life as I know it now…started.
So as a character I never belonged but I really liked Aleppo, my hometown, I liked the warmth of the people, I liked the streets that I used to walk with my friends, the places that I used to go with my ex’s, I had alot of memories, a full on life from age 0 to 20 that I’ve lived there and while I never saw myself as the person who will get married and settle down in Aleppo, but I always thought that I’d be the person that would go visit frequently and spend my summers there.
and then the war happened and it destroyed all of the above, the people are no longer warm emotionally and sadly they reached a point even physically (lack of money & fuel crisis), the streets that I used to walk with my friends, during war and the lack of electricity they became so cold and scary and haunted with the sounds of shelling falling right and left, my friends 99% left and we got scattered around the world so barely anyone left to walk those streets with even, everything changed, the places, the people and I’ve lived during war itself for 2 years and those two years I’ll never ever forget in my life! and while for other Syrians they’d tell me oh 2011–2013 are such good days incomparison to the horrors that we saw after “You” left, I literally zone out when they start saying that — because misery should never be a competition, those two years were traumatizing enough for me and while it absolutely sucks that you’ve experienced far worse things after I left but that doesn’t diminish my trauma and it wouldn’t make you a champion.
So Aleppo “home” turned into hell for me, I hated it with all of my might, those two war years erased a life time of good years before them and replaced all of my memories with memories of the same places but filled with terror and horror, and something that I haven’t spoken about much, but the sounds of war airplanes when they break the sound barrier and on somedays when they actually drop bombs were a frequent nightmare for me many months after I left, I jumped so many nights out of my sleep in terror thinking its a reality but turns out its a nightmare, so now hearing people making memes online about people in Beirut and the Israeli planes breaking the sound barrier, I find it disgusting and not funny at all — because there is a kid there, who’s just like me — who’s traumatized now from that sound and there’s nothing funny about that.
Till this day I hate everything that makes me jump or scared, you know those silly jokes that people do where they come behind you and scare you which makes you jump? If you do this to me now you’ll see the trauma unveils in front of you! Because I turn into an absolute bundle of anger and what supposed to be funny joke it triggers alot of shit inside of me as I spent so many nights being jumped from either the sound of shelling falling close to us or the sound of the Gov bombing the other side from our side, both ways it was horror and I genuinely don’t give two shits if you tell me ohhh that was nothing! You should see what happened in 2014 😑 what are you even talking about? Like in those two years that I lived every single day once it became dark, the shelling and bombing from both sides against each other never stopped! Like full on hours and hours every single damn night! so what more do I need to see? How many years a human should endure that for their trauma to be validated? But you know what I’ll give you the satisfaction you’re seeking and I’ll make a public announcement now saying:
I’m a weak pathetic girl who’s a drama queen and you’ve suffered waaaaay more and endured waaay more, congratulations…wait you deserve a standing ovation 👏👏👏👏👏 (slow claps).
Anyways back to the point “ I HATED HOME” home turned into a trauma trigger, up until 2 years ago if you tell me go to Aleppo, or even on the times that I’d actually force myself to go, I feel insane anxiety and heaviness in my heart and I’d be so on edge while I’m there, and up until this day while I no longer have the anxiety and its no longer hate but its a big dislike!
I left in 2013 and I don’t remember how long it took me to go back, maybe 4–5 years? I don’t know 🤷🏽♀️ and while now the situation “war-wise” is good (economicaly it’s horrible — so the people are suffering a different kind of war now) but safety wise its no longer a war zone and aloooot of the expats go back and spend their summers there, loving Aleppo, loving this and love that and post all about it on the gram, But me…till this day I only go to see my family and those veryyy few close friends left, but I genuinely dislike even stepping outside of home, I have zero interest in going out to that new restaurant that opened, go to where all of the Elite goes to hangout and gossip about each other (Nadwet Al Shahba) is my idea of a nightmare — if you know you know.
So I never belonged, and that bit that I did belong to, it got absolutely shattered by the war…and that made me lose any sense of having a home and trust me, it’s a very weird concept! Because what do you mean there’s no home that I can go back to? No stability? No roots…nothing.
And the world didn’t make it easy for us too, and yes I know I know if you’re reading this and you are a citizen of a country who now have alot of Syrian immigrants you’ll roll your eyes and chat shit about us— but how about you go roll your eyes and chat shit to your government and not to us!
I wasn’t the one that forced you to take us in, like the world shits on us Syrians right and left as it is already so how about for once if you don’t have any thing kind to say, then maybe MAYBE! It’s not a bad idea to stay quiet! because the tables turn, and it’s actually already starting to turn, and I’d have never wish on my worst enemy to live what we’ve lived/still live till this day, but…if I were you, I’d worry about my Karma :)
I have more stamps on my passport than I can count due to all of my travels east and west, and yet every single airport officer needs to treat me like shit, question me, my motives and double check with that magnifier thingie if my passport is real, bitch if I wanted to fake a passport trust me, a Syrian passport won’t be my number one go to choice.
And if its worth anything — I have zero interest in going to live in the west, no offence to the people — but governements and politics-wise and standards of living..what a shit show! No thanks I’ll take a pass on your fake democracy :).
Got a multi-entry visa to the Uk, went for a 2 weeks trip and came back ( 2 years ago)
Then I got a 6 months Schengen visa to Spain (Last summer) and both times especially the Syrians who are still stuck in Syria, they told me are you mad?? Just stay there and don’t come back and I said…you’re the one who’s mad! Because you haven’t been there and you haven’t seen what life is like there, no thank you! I’d gladly stick to Dubai and all of its heat ❤️
Anyways fast forward few years later I started going back to Aleppo and while I hated it, in my mind I kept on pushing myself to do it for my family, for my grandmas that are too old to travel and see me, for my friends who were the unlucky ones who never made it out, those people were the home that i returned to, my childhood home and my friends and family’s homes are the only homes that mattered and I had zero interest in the rest of the city and I still hated it.
But something happened last month during a very spontaneous trip to Syria where I was supposed to fly directly to Aleppo but a shift in plan made me choose to fly to Damascus, the capital of Syria, a place where all Syrians fall in love with, and speak about it in the series but In my 31 years of living — I’ve never been!
So I pack my stuff and I head to the airport, taking the same airline and from the same Airport in Sharjah, everything is the same except the destination it wasn’t Aleppo it was Damascus, and once I reached transit and saw the people who were boarding that plane with me…I go into shock mode, wait what?! Why is there alot of people that feel similar to me, look wise! Quite modern, funky, some tattoos too! HOW! How are you Syrian too! And why we don’t have people like you in Aleppo!!! I had alot of questions but then I told myself you know what these are the Syrians that lived abroad like me here in the UAE so it may be normal to embrace change (mind you the people that board the Aleppo flight- are not like that AT ALL 😭) in Aleppo its quite a conservative place! And while their actions and beliefs its more cultural based than religious (they wear the hijab because of society not because of god) but somehow the people there annoy me so much! Soo judgemental and I just want to slap them right and left! The amount of cat calling and jokes about my looks that I get in Aleppo is absurd! They make me feel like I’m coming from outter space not only the men, the “conservative” women do too! They judge me OUTLOUD! like come on who does that shamelessly? And thats just because of my tattoos, my liberal ways of thinking, and maybe because they can also sense how much I don’t belong there! like how silly is that! Anyways its uncomfortable and I hate it…but the people on the flight to damascus were…like me, and I was soo confused.
And I reached “Old Damascus” the historical area where majority of the touristy attractions are, and I had a hotel booked for 3 days and my friends were joining me from another city to spend those 3 days touristing aroudn together, and my shock was! Not only how magnificent the history is, the old cobbled streets, the Umayyad mosque, the souks and a hundred billion other things..but most importantly the people! More and more people look like me! HOW! I walk in the streets and no one bothers to look, no one shift their heads about to break their necks when I pass by just like how they do in Aleppo just to make a sarcastic comment about “how provocative I am” in Damascus literally no one cared! No one cared about my tattoos or the fact that I wore shorts…no one! HOW ON EARTH IS THIS SYRIA!
I was in absolute disbelief, I felt like my entire life was a lie! And I was so upset that I grew up in the wrong city! Because in my mind I thought all Syrians were like us Aleppians and all areas are the same and the society and backward minded people is the same — but that turned out to be false! And Damascus is not like that — AT ALL!
And as cliché as this will sound, but I started falling in love with that place, I wanted to walk and get lost more in those cobbled old streets, I wanted to try as much street food as possible, I wanted to marvel at that ancient history for hours, I just wanted those 3 days to not end basically.
I would have never thought in the life of me that those words will come out of my mouth “ I fell in love with a place in Syria” for as long as I can remember if someone tells me ohhh you’re Syrian, I’d love to go there one day, I’d say…why? It’s a shithole! (My apologies for the Ministry of Tourism) but lets be real after that 12 years or more of war, the destruction turned it to an absolute shithole and it wasn’t even that great to start with.
And I said to myself, I want to come back here again soon! Explore it properly, go with a guide so I can listen to all the stories, the romantic ones, the fighting ones, the religious ones…everything! Damascus had everything! And I remember telling my friend while we were in the Umayyad Mosque, I’d like to come here alone and just sit and marvel.
And low and behold! The law of attraction said “ KABOOOOOOM🪄” and my plan to fly back from Aleppo to UAE directly gets cancelled I’m left with only the option to fly back from Damascus, and then I reach Damascus airport (directly without a plan or time to go to the city) only to be told that my flight got cancelled and it was rescheduled to 2 days later, and as sick, exhausted and as angry as I was, but part of me was happy that this time I’d get to explore Old Damascus solo..I walked and walked, and just people watched and I did get to sit at Umayyad mosque like I said I want to, not only that — but it was also Friday prayer, I didn’t even know that women do attend Friday prayer at the mosque, but turns out they do!! (If you’ve read any of my previous articles by now you’d know that I’ve never claimed to be the best Muslim out there-so leave me alone😂)
I loved every single thing about it! Even the hotels! They are old Syrian houses turned into hotels, with that little water thingie in the middle we call it Bahra/بحرة and it doesn’t matter what you call it in English, you don’t have it back home, so lets just move on😂
And the people are warm! They are hospitable, inviting I see them laughing, talking, uncles and grandpas sitting infront of their shops sipping on their tea and playing backgammon. I’m in love!
And the food was insane! But hey that part I already knew! as Aleppian cuisine is divine and I may be biased…but nothing tastes better! And we are globally famous for it! So at least thats one thing to look forward to in that 💩🕳️.
But falling in love with Damascus, made me feel like I belong, Like I’m happy that this actually is my country, and it made me want to work on my feelings and traumas towards Aleppo, “my actual home” and just neutralize it, maybe I’ll never fall in love with it, as it was never the case with the war and without the war, but I just don’t want to hate it anymore, as that would make my life so much easier! Especially that lately I started working so hard on my connection and relationship with my family, both mom and dad and even my extended family. I want to see them more, spend time with them more, have more memories with them…they are the priority in my life and it sucks that every time I need to go spend time with them I feel like ughhh I just wished those people I loved lived else where.
Especially that I’ve been to Aleppo this year only 3 times already, and we are still mid-year! So you can imagine how much I love my family to go to the place I despise the most so frequently just to see them.
“Mom and dad you’re welcome — not that you’ll ever read this- but next time you complain about me and my life choices, I’ll tell you show me one Syrian girl who lives in Dubai that went and saw her family 3 times in a span of 7 months like I did — they won’t have an answer and its an easy win — Mic drop”
So, do I consider myself I have a home now? No.
Do I feel more connected to my roots? Yes.
I never belonged to that “home” anyways, and while I still haven’t found “home” yet but Dubai is the closest I felt to a home. It’s the place where I have my little apartment that I absolutely LOVE! My little haven that all of my worries diminish once I enter that door after a looong long day.
It’s the place that when the airplane lands and even though I’d be coming back from a vacation, I’d be missing it and excited to be back.
It’s the place that I found people that being with them feels like home, even when we are not doing anything, just sitting, talking, laughing and just being with them feels like home.
And most importantly its the place where half of my immediate family lives (Sis and her kiddos) and being around them is far more important to me than anything else in this life.
But I need this home to become more of a stable home, as I don’t have the stability aspect yet, so after my move to Bali which made me realise how much I love Dubai and how grateful I am to everything this place has offered me, it’s now my top priority to do the following:
Save enough to buy a “home”
That home should be “big” enough so mom and dad can come whenever they want without them impacting my space and freedom (preferably a full floor for me — no one is allowed to enter🙅🏽♀️)
Get golden visa so I can give it for My parents and I’d secure them some solid medical insurance as they are growing old, and in Syria, if you enter a hospital — chances of going out alive are slim- and while that may be exaggerated, but there’s alot of truth in it and that’s scary.
And all of the above requires aloooot of work and alooooot of Money and as of the moment of writing this, I have neither, but I’ll say what I always say:
Watch me :)
