The Only Way Out Is Through
I wrote that title above and I’m dreading it! I’m dreading it because I hate that fact…and unfortunately it’s a fact!
The only way out is through…
**Disclaimer: **This will be a long and heavy read (emotionally), so if you don’t feel like you’re ready to consume such material at the moment. Then don’t :)
I was reflecting on my life, from my earliest memories till today, now I’m 31 (and I’m edging closer to 32), unfortunately or maybe fortunately — and you’ll understand why as you read on, I didn’t have an easy life.
My childhood was filled with traumas, my teenage years were challenging and my 20’s were horrible.
So I couldn’t think of a phase in my life that it was a “happy phase”, never really! I did have alot of happy times, I did have people who I laughed from my heart with, I did fall in love many times, I did travel, study, work…I did experience living life basically as everybody else does, but if my life was a pie then one slice of it was happiness and the rest of it was…..depressed!
Growing up, depression wasn’t anything serious, it’s a word that we throw around whenever we feel down for few hours:
“Ughhhh I can’t believe my mom didn’t allow me to go out with you guys…I’m so depressed”
Or when you tell someone…”I feel so depressed” and they brush it off saying its a few days and it will pass.
But my few days…didn’t pass! and what even was worse is I didn’t even know that I was depressed, I believe my depression started officially around the age of 19.
The war escalated, my friends started traveling one after the other, terror was all around, I broke up with the guy that I was with because we both were so overwhelmed with everything going around that we decided its better for both of us to just break up.
The issue is, the people and I’m not talking about the people who live abroad, I’m talking about the people who were around me in Syria, who were living through that terror just like me…they always made it sound as if its nothing!
“Stop being too scared Lin — the worst thing that can happen is that we die! so what!”
and in my mind I always thought “Oh no! that’s literally the worst thing that can happen” I haven’t achieved any of my dreams, I haven’t traveled, I haven’t lived alone, I haven’t experienced working those shitty jobs as I see in movies…I didn’t do any of my dreams! I can’t die! I don’t want to!
And I was a very sensitive kid, but I always hid that — I hid how much of a softie I am on the inside behind the tough exterior of the sarcastic bully! Always joking, beating my friends up, being a trouble maker, like no one on earth would imagine that inside of that kid is a very emotional, sensitive and romantic person.
I actually hated those traits inside of me, and I’d shove them in deeper and deeper if they appear to the surface because I didn’t want to be “Weak”.
So when the ones around used to speak about the war, the death, the shelling..the entire disasters that were happening as if it’s nothing..literally its a topic they discuss while sipping on coffee and listening to Fairuz — I was being traumatized in silence.
And even if I didn’t admit out loud how scared I was, but at least to my mom she was aware — and she was just like those people!
“ehhhh Leeeno…relax, no need to be like that, it’s just a rocket and its not even close by to us”
And it’s not like I would be shouting or crying, no but like if something explodes I’d just jump out of my place and thats all — but even that was considered weakness.
We live on the fourth floor, the last floor in the building, so above us there’s nothing but the roof, so we did have the most potential exposure to damage when shelling happen, so for around 4 months and those were the last 4 months before I left Syria for good, I slept in the corridor infront the main entrance door to our apartment, as that was the only place that had above it another storage room on the roof, so I felt more safe there.
For 4 months, I sleep, I eat and I study for my university exams there.
and what used to mess me up so much is!
How during the day life carries on normally, happy days, people are out and about in the streets, birds are chirping and then once it becomes dark…automatically its like a signal for both sides to start the fight, and it was constant shelling I swear to god, every single day for years, from the moment it becomes dark till sunrise.
And that messed me up so much! as I started hating the night! once it starts becoming dark outside, I become so tense and so on edge and I’d start snapping on mom (it was only me and mom there at that time) and it was winter..so, darkness sets in at 5 pm (Horror), no electricity to light up the streets, no one dares to step outside and it was just pitch black darkness and the sounds of all sorts of war weapons and things are being destructed…on the humans underneath them.
So I piled in all of that trauma inside of me, but I was too stubborn to stay in Syria, I told myself no way in hell I’d let my self die — WTF! I want to be a billionaire and here I am about to die and I didn’t even make $1 from my own money!
NO WAY I let that happen, so I kept on nagging and nagging and I went to Saudi and stayed with dad for 6 months (they thought I’d back down from my decision if they let me sit in Saudi for all of that time),
But I didn’t! the argument between me and my parents was that I wanted to go study abroad, my closest friend at that time was going to transfer her university to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia as she found a university that gives 50% off for all Syrians, and I wanted to go too!.
But my parents were against that idea because I only had one year left in Aleppo University, and they said instead of wasting the money to send you to finish your Bachelor’s which you can do in Aleppo, just be patient for that one year and then go do your masters in Europe (just how they did for my sister) but I was too stubborn! I don’t have time to wait! I may die any minute, I WON’T GO BACK TO SYRIA. period.
Knowing that, when I said goodbye to my friends in Aleppo, I already had the plan in mind that I’m not coming back, but I didn’t tell them my plan because I hate goodbyes, and already many of our friends left, and it was one after the other leaving, and it’s just so sad! so I just said goodbye on the premises that I’m coming back after a month, as I always go every summer to Saudi to see dad.
So by now, I already have all of my childhood traumas that I wasn’t even aware what a childhood trauma is, and how fucked up I was! and then the war happened so I had war trauma too — and add to that being separated from everything that I loved…my friends! my friends were my life at that stage and we were with each other literally every waking minute!
So I bottled all of that inside of me and I went to Malaysia, thinking that this is it! I’d live the life I always dreamt of, the life of what I see on TV two besties living together abroad, and la vie en rose — can we take a moment here to acknowledge how inexperienced in life I was?…sigh.
I literally signed myself up for a life that I wasn’t ready for! I wasn’t ready for growing up — and I didn’t know how hard it is!
I was so spoiled at home that I didn’t even know how hard it is to clean a house! The first time I held a bucket of water so I can mop the floor of our studio in Malaysia, I actually cried!! that’s how spoilt I was.
Anyways — nothing was as I dreamt it would be, me and that “bestie” had a clash and our life became so miserable, the university was absolute shit! and it was filled with Arabs, nothing bad against my people but I didn’t leave Syria to go live with Arabs, have I? I’d have rather if they actually were all Malay and I’d get exposed to that culture, and have a cultural shock over going to a place where the entire area (Cyberjaya) was filled with arabs that alot of the arab student didn’t even bother learn english (the university was so shit that you can pay to pass) so it wasn’t anything that I imagined it would be.
So I had the fight with my ex-bestie and I decide I don’t want to stay in Cyberjaya anymore, as it was in the suberbs of Kuala Lumpur, and like an hour and a half away from the life I wished I lived, so I decided, no more wishing! I’ll move to KL and just commute to the university, and mushed my classes schedule to 3 days a week.
and I remember going to see rooms to rent, and I swear I so desperate and so broke that I was agreeing to live to one of the rooms that I’ll never forget the person who the current renter was soo filthy that he had eggs broken on the floor next to his bed 😵 but I said thats fine I’ll clean up, but also that the bathroom is shared with the other rooms and there’s no lock! so the two indian couples who own the house (they live in it and rent the other rooms) said..don’t worry when people see the light on, no body would open the door!
um…excuse you?! so you think Lin…the prude! would go shower in a place with strangers that I can’t lock the door???
And guess what? I was so desperate that I said yes to that! I thought I’d figure it out, maybe install a lock for them on my expense…but to my luck the owners decided that probably I’m too much of a headache and they said that they’ve changed their mind (god saved me from such misery), so anyways I luck out and I score an amazing room in the most amazing and lively area in the entire city.
So by now what do we have? we have my childhood traumas, my war traumas, separation trauma, la vie en rose turns out to be la vie en shit! living with my best friend was hell! being an adult is hell! accepting such low standards of living when I was a spoilt brat back home…is hell! and I was very alone in all of that.
I may have been a spoilt brat, but I’ve always stood up for myself, I always was the person that had my own back! I didn’t wait for anyone to come help me, I just take ownership of my own decisions even at that young age and I just fight for my own survival.
So my parents had no clue the hell that I was going through, I barely had any friends from university because even that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy that phase!
I was so concerned in proving that I can make it abroad! that I can work! that I can become who I dreamt of being, so I always burdened myself of that! of applying to 10000 of jobs (waitressing level of jobs) and being rejected because I’m a foreigner.
But I landed a job at a tourism company later on and my life became better, but still I didn’t enjoy life! I burdened myself so much with the pressure of “ I need to make it” that I didn’t allow myself to go party as the other university kids were doing, I didn’t allow myself to just live my age!
I felt so much responsibility that I had to make it! I had to make it to prove to myself that I can! that I’m capable! I didn’t come here to party and waste my time, I came here to live the life that is the exact opposite of what I had in Aleppo, and I did — but I overwhelmed myself even more and more and that was the start of drowning into depression and I had no clue!
Fast forward moving to Dubai, got a job started working, hated it! I mean I loved the place but I hated the concept of working in an office as I was suffocated, and felt like a prisoner.
And here when I started working I became financially independant, immediately from my first salary.
So I started being responsible for all of my expenses and my salary was very low(4,250 Dirhams Exact) so I learned what financial hardships are, and my responsibilities got bigger and bigger, and I was sinking into depression further and further….but still! I’m unaware.
On the outside, in all of the phases that I mentioned before, I was the happy kid! the jokester! so I was like that as a child, I was like that as a teenager and I was like that as an adult in the office….so no one had any clue of what’s inside of me…even “I” had no clue whats inside of me! but I was just unhappy!
Whenever I sit with myself, I’m just unhappy! alot of times I cry alone and I don’t even know why I’m crying, but the sound of the alarms in my head of “WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME” started pounding louder and louder, and I couldn’t silence them, because this wasn’t a day or two as they tell me and it will pass…it’s been weeks, months…years!!! fuck it! it’s been years! and I’m miserable, like I’m becoming numb! I surpassed the level of feeling sad, I started feeling nothing! I feel nothing! no happiness, no sadness…nothing! I’m flat.
And I kept on pushing all of my emotions, all of my traumas under the rug…until I exploded! I think I was 26 when I had the mental breakdown at work, and that was a moment that changed my life as I know it…because it was the moment that moved me from:
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, to being officially diagnosed with “Major Anxiety and Depression Disorder”, I seeked help ! I opened up to the friends around me told them of all the shit that I’ve been going through, I had to tell my family even though they don’t understand…I had to do everything that I haven’t done before, because I had to fight for my own survival.
But the hardest of all of the above…..I had to face everything that I was ever running away from, and it didn’t feel like a choice.. I don’t know if it was my character or what is it really.
Maybe because I’m quite responsible for how I deal with everything, I don’t know what made me choose the mature and wise option of having to go through the misery path of facing it all, over choosing what people my age choose…..ESCAPISM.
I could’ve thrown myself into alcohol, meaningless relationships, drugs …anything! anything that people use to run away…but I didn’t.
I chose to be alone.
from 26 to 31 (early this year) all of those years, I started dealing and unpacking one trauma that happened o me after the other, each friend betrayal, each heartache, each childhood trauma (this is by far the toughest), each disappointment…I faced it all.
and the cherry on top, was September 2023, to March 2024 which I mentioned in many articles now and mainly the move to Bali one.
That period in my life…I’ll never forget…never.
I experienced what they call “The dark knight of the soul” , “Ego death” or the mainstream and wrong wording that most people know “Mid-life Crisis” and the reason why I actually choose to resonate with the first two and not the last one, because if you read about “the dark knight of the soul” or “ego death”, they are a passage of growth, that is insanely hard to go through but once you do..your life changes to the better.
While “Mid-life Crisis” first of all the term mid-life shouldn’t be used as it doesn’t happen at the age of “mid life”, it depends on life experiences, maturity and what disasters have the person went through, some have it end of 20’s and some in their 40’s, and also to call it a “crisis” while indeed when you’re in it, crisis will be an understatement, but it’s actually not a crisis at all! for me it was god’s greatest gift!
and lastly the shitty mainstream labeling and what they associate it with, men leaving their wives and going buying sports cars, cheating with a younger mistress and dying their hair, women cheating on their husbands but regretting it, or leaving their life long careers…etc. etc. etc.
All things that are super negative and very restrictive even! like how would you assume that all of us 8 billion people will deal with a “crisis” the same way.
And they don’t tell you that once you go out of it, you’ll see that it was the best thing that can ever happen to you, no they just tell you its a crisis and you pass through it and it pass and then you just go back to being…you! and that couldn’t be farther than the truth, I don’t look now or feel like anything that I was before it.
Anyways for me….I just sank into the deepest darkest hole on the planet earth…I dissolved into the nothingness! I felt sadness and pain and regret and everything that you can think of, on an intensified level!…and as sad as what I’ll say is…but it was my reality so I’ll say it:
I actually wanted to give up! the pain became too hard to sit with that I started feeling like, I just want to not feel this pain and maybe not existing is the solution….(it was that bad).
And you know the scariest thing! is those who have those thoughts but stay silent, those are the people who take action to end it all! but mostly the ones that cry for help saying that they want to give up..these ones are literally asking you to help them, and you should! but they most likely won’t do anything to themselves.
…I was the silent one.
I’ve lost everything materialistic during my “Dark knight of the soul” read about it here if you haven’t, but no job, no car, no house…nothing! and the money that I had, which at that time was the highest amount of money I saw in my bank account….didn’t matter, didn’t matter at all.
I isolated myself from everyone in my life, most of my friends who were closest to me, maybe saw me twice in those 6 months, I isolated myself from everything…I just sat with myself..hating myself but still not running away from it…I never ran away before, to run away now….so I just existed, I looked at few videos of me at that time..I literally was a shell of a human! there was no life force left….and I was hanging on dear life with a thread.
Fast forward now, 6 months from that…clearly if you see me, you see I’m nothing like what I’m describing above, I’m filled with life force, filled with energy…when I say I’m the happiest girl alive, I truly feel it on most of the days!
I feel it! I’m no longer the jokester that masks my emotions inside, I am actually the jokester who’s genuinely happy!
And you know what’s shocking is! June, July and August were insanely challenging!
Oh my goodness the amount of things that happened, the amount of heartbreaks, the amount of disappointments, the number of close people that I’ve lost and I cut off actually…is alot! alot has happened, even one incident of those would’ve been enough to break me before, but this time nothing happened! I was sad ofcourse, I’m only human! but you know what changed…I changed!
I no longer see my sensitivity & intense emotions as weekness, so I no longer fight against them.
I let my self be vulnerable, I let myself cry..I let myself sit and acknowledge my feelings as they are, I don’t rush them..I don’t say enough sadness! no…if I want to feel down, then I should feel down and not just shove it under the rug and say I’ll deal with it later.
I no longer (and this is a work in progress) am seeking the love and validation of others, I looked at myself for the first time in my life and I loved what I saw, I saw all of my battle scars, all of my gray hairs that are starting to show faster than I like, all of my wrinkles that are forming on my face that if anything they are a living proof of how much I lived, of how much I expressed and how much I laughed….I fought against who I am for the longest time in my life, and now I just accept it! and I look at that mirror and I’m no longer shying away from who’s infront of me…more like I looked and said “Damn gurlll….what a badass ❤”
I no longer care about materialistic things, and I don’t care about a job, titles and careers, and it doesn’t matter if I’m fired or I’m hired, I know damn well how smart and capable I am, and god never lets me down…never!
And this has been proved to me enough times now, that when something is meant to be for me, it just comes, and it will come no matter if the entire world is collapsing economically….my opportunity will come.
My childhood traumas are no longer traumas, I dealt with them all, I forgave my parents, I forgave my younger self..and now when I remember that phase i just feel the utmost compassion in my heart towards “Mini me” and I just want to hug that little lost girl and say…you know what! it’s not going to be easy at all! but you little Leeno…you are invincible.
And I fell in love with my parents again, the humans behind the title, not “mom” not “dad” but the humans! I love them, I love hanging out with them, I love to talk to them, to tell them all of my stories, to hear about their day to day.
And that was never the case….I never was comfortable with them, and I was never able to show them who I am, they never knew I was a jokester can you imagine! to the world I was a jokester and to them I was the quiet angry kid.
Now they know, they know how funny I am, how crazy I am, and we still clash and we laugh it off! and simply…they are no longer a trauma,
Now, they are a blessing to me and what happened in the past doesn’t matter and we both can’t change it, but I can change the present and the future…and that’s what I did.
By the way, we spend majority of our lives waiting for our parents to realize that they did us wrong, for them to apologize, to say we are sorry, thinking that this will solve our issues…god how wrong that is, and how wrong I was!
I never got an apology, I never even confronted my mom (as that was always felt pointless), the forgiveness I was seeking, is forgiveness within! I worked so hard on myself to heal, that I healed, and I forgave them without them even knowing, and I started healing them too! because they also want acceptance, they also want to be loved! and I’m channeling all the love that I have towards them.
And the present and the future…is everything that I’ve wished for.
All the people I’ve lost and I’ve cut off, who were core people my entire life. I came to the realization that, they have served their purpose in my life, and it was a chapter and it’s closed now.
No need for me to feel any guilt or to fight for something that won’t be serving anything good for both of us.
What people don’t know about me is, that when I fight! and when I express my anger and I shout and say shit…
that means that I care! and that you matter to me, but once my response is silence….that’s when the chapter has closed for good.
I don’t need to be surrounded by 100 friends and relatives, to feel that I’m loved, I’m already loved! I have few who I wouldn’t change for the world, those who didn’t choose me only when I was happy, only when I was doing a favor for them or giving them something, they didn’t choose the version of me that suits them, no they chose me with all of my shit, with all of my craziness, they accepted the full package, as it is.
Those are the ones that matter, those are the ones that I want in my life for the rest of my life, and maybe god will bless me more of that kind of people, and if not..then I already have enough :)
For the first time in my life, I’m no longer depressed…I haven’t been depressed since March now, that’s 6 months…I have never not been depressed for that long!
I realized that I was depressed before, because I was fighting it, fighting my reality, fighting how hard this life is…too stubborn to just accept defeat, to accept that things are not always perfect, people will not always be kind to me, some who I’ll love so much, won’t love me back! and that my value shouldn’t be dictated to me by a stranger at an organisation to tell me “you’re worthy of this” and we control what you’re worth.
If I haven’t faced this all….If I haven’t spent years working on myself, sitting with myself, living through the pain that I piled up for so many years, if I chose “escapism” it would have been only a matter of time where all of this would’ve caught up with me.
The only way out is through…
I told you all of the above, and I spoke about all of the phases in my life and how hard it was, how painful it was…not for you to feel sad for me, even I don’t feel sad for me now! NOT EVEN ONE BIT.
I told you that, to show you.. that the only way out is through! that throwing yourself to the “GYM” or to “Work” or alcohol, sex or drugs..is temporarily and it’s just a bandage on a gushing wound.
You can only escape much before shit hits the fan. And the longer it takes for you to face it all, the worse and worse it will get.
So if you are at a point in life, where you are running and you are aware that you’re running or that there’s something wrong…it’s time to stop running.
It’s going to be hell, it’s going to be harder than everything you’ve ever experienced..and the pain is unimaginable…but you’ll only know what the true meaning of “living” once you cross that bridge.
I haven’t lived for 31 years, I‘ve existed…only now I’m “living”.
And what a great gift being alive is…I can’t wait to wake up every single day to experience this wonder of…..”life”.
I doubt many would’ve reached reading till here, as this is not an easy or fun read, but those who do..are the ones that needed to hear this, nothing is a coincidence.
And whether I know you, or not..if you find yourself in a dark place and you’ve got no where to go, and no body to speak to…I’m here, and I’d genuinely love to be there for you, so take up my offer and reach out to me when you need to:
@findingleeeno
👆 Leeno was actually found…maybe it’s time to change that handle haha
