But…Who Am I?

Yesterday I was sitting with a friend of mine and that friend somehow we have the capacity to start the conversation in one topic and then we branch out to 100 others that are totally irrelevant to how the conversation started haha.

So, one of the topics that we dived into, was the concept of “Our Identity” like who we actually are? and the fact that my friend is having this internal battle inside of her is no surprise, as I had it few months ago and it took going through hell to be able to know “Who Am I”.

Usually this identity crisis unfolds when you live your entire life associating your identity with one thing, and then you lose that thing..and with that, you lose your entire sense of who you are.

I had this identity crisis end of last year (2023), I found myself literally being unable to identify, how am I? because if someone was to ask me before “Tell me more about yourself”, I’d say:

“I’m Lin, I work at a digital marketing agency doing SEO and I live in Dubai.”

Let’s take a moment of silence and reflect on how boring that is! and how ungrateful that statement is to god! like we were created as divine creatures, each single fibre in our cells is a masterpiece, and we reduce ourselves to something as shitty and flat as the statement above.

So what happened is, last year, I’ve quit my job after 7 years working at that same agency, and that was the only work place I ever knew, so here goes the first part, I’m no longer at that digital marketing agency.

Second of all, I‘m not passionate about SEO, Like I’m super talented at it (because of experience and repetition) but I don’t wake up in the morning excited to go change the next revolutionary title tag! and on top of that I was trying to get a job for 5 months unable to land anything, so I wasn’t Lin who does SEO, I’m just jobless and desperate! so here goes the second part.

And lastly, I’ve given up my house in Dubai, sold my car, gave away my clothes and furniture and moved my entire life to Bali thinking I’ll be going there for years, only to end up hating my life there, it didn’t feel like thats the place that I want to be, and I just couldn’t adapt! so here goes the last part, I don’t live in Dubai, but I’m also not settled in Bali so basically I’m homeless.

Cue to the “Identity Crisis”

Oh my goodness! I was feeling like absolute shit! when I couldn’t land a job for the longest time, a thousand cv’s sent and nothing! no one was responding not even landing interviews, just nothing! that was a big hit to my ego, which I clearly needed as it humbled me down alot.

But let me tell you why “work” mattered that much, you see whether I like it or not, society and the global system of this world regardless of where you come from, they put for us a checklist of things that we need achieve to be accepted and to feel like you’re “living life the right way”, so you should follow that checklist, and that checklist for someone my age would include: Being married, having kids and having a stable job that provides good income.

I hit 30, and while I always said age is just a number and look at Kim K she hit 40 (that was years ago) and she still looks like that! so it doesn’t matter, but the reality is when I hit 30 I went into full panic mode, why? because unfortunately the noise in the background as much as you try to block it but it’d still get into your head! because even if I live far away from my toxic society, and even if my parents don’t pressure me at all, like AT ALL!

But still, in every Arabic series I’d watch, they’d drop words that are very offensive and dumb btw, about women who are not married, or who are childless…etc.

So the panic sets in, because I suddenly out of nowhere noticed the expiry date that the world we live in, put for us! and it starts at 30, everything around and all the narrative of the people is that Oh shiiit you’re 30 it all goes down hill from here (even I guiltily make those jokes sometimes).

So I found myself questioning my life choices, like I’m not married but I never wanted to “Settle” this word on it owns drives me insane “Settle Down” I don’t want to settle down, I want to level up! I want to experience mind blowing experiences with a life partner and I want to love from the bottom of my heart and I want to have a best friend who I actually enjoy sitting next to at the end of the day just to talk about anything and everything, to actually be present.

I just don’t want a partner who we are existing together, but each on our phones, each wrapped up in our own lives and each have zero interest in each other.

Listen I’m not being a perfectionist here, I know that anything in life will become a routine after a while, and that it’s not realistic to always be sitting there without us being on our phone, I actually enjoy being on my phone and laughing on silly memes (sometimes for long time which I’ll not disclose) but why is being present unrealistic? every time I hang out with my close friends, I’m present, I’m interested in their jokes, in their stories, in our discussions, in all the shit that goes on in their workplace.

So why can’t partners be like that? the entire day you each are busy with your own life, you can find time (actually its not “find”) you should “look forward to”, having time with that person, “Your person” that you can just sit down and chit chat and block the rest of the world out.

You may think the above is silly and easily attainable, but to be honest, unfortunately I haven’t seen it around me! I haven’t seen a couple like that, so is it impossible to find? I don’t know, maybe! but that was my idea of a partnership that I was looking for, so I hit 30, and I haven’t found that, and I didn’t want to admit that maybe I will not find it, but with that age comes the panic that what if I’m wrong, what if I’m over complicating things? what if I’ll regret that decision and I actually should settle down to whatever is around, I mean everyone seem miserable but hey at least they are miserable together, so maybe instead of being miserable alone, I can just find someone to be miserable together.

As for the kids, I never really loved kids, like never! until my niece and nephew came to this world and I absolutely fell in love with them, just mentioning them now as I write this, brought the biggest smile on my face, I LOVE THEM! and they changed my perspective about kids, I started seeing the beauty that they bring to the world, the joy that they add to our lives and they made me experience for the first time, what “unconditional love” is.

BUT! does that mean they made me want to have my own kids, no 😂 it actually became like, yeah I have Adam and Celine in my life to fill that space, I don’t need to have ones of my own (Which my mom is never happy to hear that statement hahah sorry Mama…I never meant to hurt you 🎵)

So I don’t know, I don’t have the answers and I don’t know if I’ll change my mind later, but as it stands its not something that I felt like I wanted, however when I hit 30 (but now I’m out of that phase) it made me wonder omg what if what the others say actually happens, and I regret it, but then physically I reach the age that I’m incapable of conceiving..bla bla bla.. PANIC SETS IN.

So I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have a job.

So according to the society I’m a bundle of mistakes and disappointments walking around.

And work was actually the excuse that I use as to answer “why I haven’t settled down yet”, heyyy I have an amazing job that pays me really well bla bla bla, so I planted that seed in the heads of those around me that I’m a career driven girl and thats my only focus (this couldn’t be farther from the truth) but this was the excuse that I run with to save me the headache and the preaching.

But when I didn’t have the only thing that was going well for me, then who am I now? what do I say? like how do I justify that I didn’t tick any of those items on the checklist.

There’s no justification Lin…you’re just a failure.

And oooh boy shit hits the fan! Identity crisis mode goes on in full swing! I genuinely lost sense of who am I? like who am I? I don’t know…I just don’t know.

February 2024, a friend of a friend (who now became my friend) she was visiting Dubai and we went out to the beach together and on the way back home, she rides with me in the car and we start talking about life and deep stuff, So I tell her about the identity crisis above and how losing “work” which was the only thing working for me, made me spiral into the abyss!

She looked at me and said, and I’ll never forget this moment:

“Lin, why are you associating who you are and your value to what you do or used to do? I don’t even know what SEO is, and it doesn’t matter! the people around you who love you, they don’t care that you used to do SEO, they love you because of who you are!”

and that sentence, I kept on reflecting on for days after it…I thought of my friends and reflected how what they do for a living is actually a topic that we never discuss, like we talk about office shit and toxic managers, but its never about what that person does, and its never about their level or titles, some of my friends actually have junior positions, and it never really mattered the gap in positions we have, and as for my family, like for example my auntie who we have a very special bond, she doesn’t even know what I do for a living nor that she’ll ever understand, but she loves me probably more than anything in life (or thats what I like to think so I can feel important haha).

So that friend and what she said changed my life as I know it with just that sentence and she was absolutely right!

And that was the moment that my mindset started slowly shifting. I started looking at who I am really, and only then I noticed the great gifts and blessings that god gave me, like how I can make people around me laugh, how I give everything I have to whomever needs it, how there were times in my life that I did something to someone and they looked at me with the type of look filled with appreciation and gratitude that no job can give, I saw myself for who I truly am and wow! what a beautiful creature did god create.

And the rest was history, I got a job afterwards, a high paying job and I slayed my way through those interviews that my manager said “there was no one that came close to the strategy you provided” but then few months later I’ve lost it, it was a shock but I swear to god it didn’t impact me not even 1 bit, I didn’t feel at all that omg I’m worthless, no no! on the contrary they lost talent that would’ve literally elevated their business and brought them millions in the middle east market, so the loss is for them not for me.

So I no longer link who I am and my value to work.. AT ALL!

Also, my entire life I didn’t know what my passion is, and I’d always beat myself up on how I don’t have any hobby that sticked with me my entire life, like how come I’m not exceptionally good at one thing and how come I always keep on changing and shifting my interests, and while that always felt like a curse my entire life and something that made me feel bad, only this year I saw that OH MY GOODNESS! I’m not good at anything because I’m good at everything!

There’s nothing that I set my mind to, that I don’t excel in it! literally! Few years ago I got fascinated with digital drawing, so I got an Ipad — procreate and now I can really make cool drawings (cartoon/sticker art) kind of things, now I’m not great at it, but also I never really spent that much time developing that skill.

Same thing for Crypto! few years ago I went deep dive, head first into Crypto, absolutely clueless and went and threw in loads of money, and I lost it all…but I lost it all out of greed! because I did have points where I made profit that would’ve got me back that loss but I HODL’ed as they say and those project went to shits.

But what I’ve learned was tremendous! Like I wasn’t one of those people that just heard of bitcoin, ETH and solana and went on a mainstream website like etoro and bought few, no no no! I actually only invested in what they call “shit coins” coins that never really made it to centralized exchanges, I was on the defi networks, on the telegram groups, on those crypto bros twitter spaces…I was obsessed with that realm until I got bored and moved on to the next thing, but I gained so much knowledge.

And look at me now, I’m writing! ffs! how on earth that I turned out to be a writer? wallah I have no clue! I just sit down and type away and thats is and I love it! I absolutely love it and I don’t care if no one reads, I read them! I read my stories and I love them! and I’d love them even more few years down the line when I go back and reread them, I’m sure it’ll make me super happy reliving those memories that I wrote about.

And I can cook! my entire life I said I don’t like cooking and I can’t be bothered and yes it’s true I’m lazy, but I’m lazy in the cleanup part more than the cooking itself, as cooking does bring me joy! and turns out I’m talented! like I really revise recipes based on what I think would taste good and the results 80% are really good!

And I can Interior design, WTF! like that shouldn’t be me, that should be my sister 😂 but if you visited my apartment now you’d see how beautiful it is! and I have no clue how I managed to pull that through! over 3 people told me, help us in redecorating our place, and while I did find that flattering but I respectfully rejected, because my place looks so nice because it’s “My place” I know exactly what I love and I went and sourced every single piece and put them together till I had this masterpiece, but I won’t be able to do that to others.

So I never had a hobby and I never was talented at one thing because I can be talented at everything!! I just need to choose something and give it sometime and Boooom!!! how amazing is that! and how blessed I am, and it’s not just me!

I’m sure majority of the people are like that, like we are literally DIVINE and yet, we choose to dumb ourselves down, we choose to not believe in ourselves..and we choose to always call ourself “average and nothing special” until those words become our reality and we actually become average and nothing special, and all of those gifts that are already within us…they get buried deeper and deeper until they get lost.

Now if you ask me, who am I?
I’d say:
I’m everything :)

I’ll leave you with something a friend of mine shared with me on the gram and it inspired this entire article.

Taken from Jay Yang